Author

hollywood1919

just a girl trying to figure out life after high school. i'm here if anybody ever needs someone to talk to.

12/12/12. The beginning of the middle?

by hollywood1919 12/12/2012

written by hollywood1919

12/12/12.

I just got out of a psych ward today.

I’ve been depressed and suicidal for 6 years now. I had no intent on killing myself, but somebody thought I did, and they called the cops on me and threw me in the loony bin. This is the 2nd time I’ve been hospitalized like this. Last time I actually did try to hang myself, a few years ago. I never got the help I needed for being abused for years and years.
I hate hospitals and doctors with a passion, but I managed to figure out some things while I was in there. I’m glad to be going […]

12/12/2012 3 comments

Talk?

by hollywood1919 10/20/2012

written by hollywood1919

bored. Anybody wanna talk?

aim/yahoo messenger: artzygrl1919

c u t e c o p p e r Â 1 9 @ h o t m a i l Â . c o m

10/20/2012 0 comment

5 years ago

by hollywood1919 10/18/2012

written by hollywood1919

5 Years ago today is when I tried to ctb. I was 16.
The events around it that triggered it, I admit, were bullshit but my reasoning behind it was not.
I got home from school. the bullshit that happened was that I thought I lost a friend, someone I loved, due to some stupid shit that happened that I thought was my fault. I blamed myself for everything back then. That’s what triggered it. My reason behind wanting to die is that I saw myself as a worthless person who could never do anything right and would never amount to anything in life. I […]

10/18/2012 4 comments

I just have to

by hollywood1919 1/18/2012

written by hollywood1919

I just have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself. I have to kill myself.

There’s no way around it. It’s what I’m supposed to do. It’s what is ment to happen to me.

1/18/2012 5 comments

My daily battle

by hollywood1919 1/9/2012

written by hollywood1919

Depression is kicking my ass right now.
I feel fat and ugly (I’ve never felt really bad about my appearance before. It’s like when I look in the mirror, I see the fat 12-year-old I once was. Now I feel that way even more, even though I understand fashion and makeup and hair even more than I did in high school.)
And I feel worthless no matter what. My parents treated me like shit for 19 years, all they ever taught me is that all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty, and that nothing I ever do is good enough. Well, thanks […]

1/9/2012 4 comments

no longer

by hollywood1919 12/30/2011

written by hollywood1919

“I no longer know where my life is heading, i wish i can say, but i cant. Just don’t be surprised if one day, everyones wish will come true, and ill disapear and never be seen again.”

12/30/2011 1 comment

At this point, I’m just trying to stay alive. This is what has been keeping me alive.

by hollywood1919 12/28/2011

written by hollywood1919

I had the idea quite awhile ago that I will get a tattoo to represent each thing that has saved my life and kept me alive. I already have my first tattoo, which is the beginning of this process. That way, when I look at the tattoo, I’m reminded of why I’m alive.
Here’s my list, starting with the bigger influences and moving on to the little things. Keep in mind that I come up with new ideas once in awhile.

1. Copper, my basset hound from when I was a kid. That dog was my baby, she passed away when I was 16. I have […]

12/28/2011 3 comments

I need someone

by hollywood1919 12/24/2011

written by hollywood1919

Call me a damsel in distress. Call me a baby.
But I just can’t stand going to sleep at night, with out knowing someone is there for me. I get so depressed, I need someone there. Some nights I’m ready to scream.
I have friends, but they can’t always be there. I’ve had boyfriends, but I don’t have anyone atm who can stand by me.
I can be strong during the day. But in the middle of the night, that’s when things come back to haunt me.

12/24/2011 11 comments

How much more should I put up with?

by hollywood1919 12/18/2011

written by hollywood1919

I got into a car accident today, driving through the city on the expressway and a semi truck rear ended my tiny car twice, before driving away.
I’ve been so depressed lately, not to mention I’ve been depressed my whole life. I’m just not sure how much stress I can take. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of everything.
Now I can’t go to sleep without seeing the truck hitting me.
Physically, I’m not injured. But I can’t go to bed without beginning to scream and cry.
This is just another thing on top of all the other boring shit I have to put up […]

12/18/2011 2 comments

I can’t help but not care

by hollywood1919 12/15/2011

written by hollywood1919

I just don’t care about life anymore. I really don’t. I have a plan to kill myself if things don’t work out in my life.
I care about my friends and family members, but somehow I don’t care if I hurt them by taking my own life. I don’t know why. I’ll be at peace. And I’m planning on spending as much time with them as possible until that point.

12/15/2011 2 comments

My plan

by hollywood1919 12/13/2011

written by hollywood1919

So I kind of have a plan of what I’m going to do.
My life is worthless just sitting around, working my crappy retail job and not being able to pay my bills. I really want to go back to school and get a degree in something, but I don’t have the money, or the grades to get a scholarship.
So, I’ve decided to join the army or army reserve. That way, I can go to school, I’ll have a place to live, I’ll go through fat camp and boot camp so I won’t be such a fatass anymore, I’ll have a job which […]

12/13/2011 2 comments

anyone there?

by hollywood1919 12/9/2011

written by hollywood1919

kind of bored, kind of depressed. anybody wanna talk?
AIM/yahoo IM: artzygrl1919

12/9/2011 2 comments

If you want.

by hollywood1919 12/7/2011

written by hollywood1919

If you want someone to talk to…

email me cute copper19 @ hotmail.com (no spaces)
IM me (AIM and Yahoo!) artzygrl 1919 (no spaces)

12/7/2011 1 comment

You don’t care

by hollywood1919 12/4/2011

written by hollywood1919

My parents wouldn’t care if I killed myself. I know they wouldn’t. They’ve put me down and abused me for so many years, why should they care? I want everybody to know the shit that they did to me. If they show up to my funeral and start to mourn me, I hope everybody there treats them like shit because it’s all their fault and they have no right to miss me when all they did was abuse me for years. I’m tired of being treated like all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty.
IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I wish I had […]

12/4/2011 3 comments

Why

by hollywood1919 11/29/2011

written by hollywood1919

They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problem isn’t temporary? What if you have depression or an illness or whatever for years and it will never ever go away?

11/29/2011 7 comments

Other websites

by hollywood1919 3/16/2011

written by hollywood1919

Years ago, I read a magazine article about a girl who committed suicide, and she went on a website that supported her. Of course, they didnâ€™t name the site. But I have recently discovered itâ€¦
Here is the remains of the site:
http://ashspace.org/
Here are websites that I have found in connection with ASH:
http://fringe.davesource.com/Fringe/Information/Suicide_FAQ.html
http://suzyslaw.com/about-suzy/suzanne-gonzales/
http://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/lta_calc.html

3/16/2011 0 comment

whyyy

by hollywood1919 3/4/2011

written by hollywood1919

why do i randomly feel like i want to kill myself?

3/4/2011 13 comments

by hollywood1919 3/4/2011

written by hollywood1919

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8HaKOfXTJU

3/4/2011 0 comment

if you are comparing methods…

by hollywood1919 3/3/2011

written by hollywood1919

http://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/lta_calc.html

3/3/2011 0 comment

currently obsessed with this song :)

by hollywood1919 3/2/2011

written by hollywood1919

3/2/2011 4 comments

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