Author

hopeisafourletterword

Do you ever look back on your life

by hopeisafourletterword 8/10/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

And think it was all one big joke? How many things you should’ve done differently? Every failure that happened in such quick succession?

I used to think my life was amazing. I loved it all. Now I’m here, cursing myself and every pathetic second I have ever been alive. If my congregation knew I felt this way they’d think I was crazy. Its sickening how overly giddy a lot of them are. Like seriously, do not hug me and look me in the eye and tell me you love me so much, you don’t even know me. Excuse me while I go vomit up the sunshine […]

8/10/2016 2 comments

Dating site for suicidals?

by hopeisafourletterword 8/5/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

It’s probably already been thought of before. A site for people who were previously, or are currently suicidal, but want just one more chance at happiness with someone who understands, someone who feels their pain, and who makes them see the good in themselves.

Would you sign up for something like that?

8/5/2016 19 comments

Lol my life sucks

by hopeisafourletterword 7/23/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

The only thing that keeps me from cutting myself is my slight germophobia. I freak out and grab the rubbing alcohol every time my cat scratches me. I can’t imagine making deep flesh wounds and being okay with it.

7/23/2016 2 comments

Suicide for revenge

by hopeisafourletterword 7/23/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

The ultimate Screw You to people who treat you like crap, whether they claim to like you or not. Vengeance shouldn’t be the only reason why people kill themselves, but it is kinda like a win-win if it is one of the reasons why. You don’t have to endure your pain anymore, and yet you still mess with the minds of anyone and everyone who mistreated you.

But I don’t think I could do that.

Thoughts?

7/23/2016 6 comments

How do you guys feel about your families?

by hopeisafourletterword 7/23/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

For some people, their family is the reason why they don’t commit suicide. For others, it’s the reason why they want to so desperately.

Personally I hate the idea of belonging to a family. I’ve hated it for a long time. Everything was fine when I was a kid but now my mom resents me for not wanting to live with her anymore. She thinks she understands me but she really doesn’t. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions and claims that bringing me into this world was out of her control. She’s a nice person but frankly she deserves what she says she […]

7/23/2016 12 comments

Having kids… why?

by hopeisafourletterword 7/17/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

I truly don’t understand why people would want to have kids anymore. I know, most kids born these days are accidents, but there are still so many people who try so desperately to bring another innocent soul into this world when there are so many things that could go wrong.

Cerebal palsy. Autism. Brain damage. Mental retardation. Heart defects. Missing limbs or appendages. Blindness. Deafness. Behavior problems. ADHD. Depression. Anxiety. The list goes on and on.

I once saw a documentary about a girl who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 6 years of age. Her parents struggled with her day in and day out. She didn’t know what […]

7/17/2016 3 comments

I saw an old lover today

by hopeisafourletterword 7/8/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

Actually the term “lover” is a bit of an exaggeration. He looked the same, but not the same, if that makes sense. It was surprising to see him, definitely, but my heart didn’t jump like it did 3 years ago whenever I saw him. It was peaceful. I didn’t feel like seeing him compromised the fact that I got over him, actually, it confirmed it. It’s amazing to know that it is possible to solidly get over someone and not have any hard feelings or unresolved issues. It gave me a glimmer of hope… That perhaps one day I’ll look into Jake’s eyes and be […]

7/8/2016 2 comments

Whisper

by hopeisafourletterword 7/5/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

Running a race

like a mouse in a cage

getting nowhere

but I’m trying

Forging ahead

but I’m stuck in the bed

that I made

so I’m lying

I’m down to a whisper

in a daydream on a hill

shut down to a whisper

can you hear me still

7/5/2016 3 comments

HAHAHAHAHAHA

by hopeisafourletterword 6/21/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

my life’s about to end, what are you gonna do about it? Do you really still want me around? I’ll show you why it’s stupid of you to want me around. I’m the worst thing that you ever did in your life, now watch me die in front of you, watch me selflessly eliminate the consequence of your stupid actions and see how stupid you were to want me here

6/21/2016 2 comments

I stare at these moles on my arm and wish they were melanomas

by hopeisafourletterword 6/21/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

Let me die

6/21/2016 5 comments

I’m dead

by hopeisafourletterword 6/21/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

dont hold a funeral for me. Don’t even bother thinking about me. Move on like you once told me to. Laugh at yourself and how miserable you made me. LOL. Look at yourself and what you did. Bringing another innocent person into this world and trying to act like I’m supposed to be here, I’m such a blessing. Don’t even believe that dumb bs. I am only the result of the biggest mistake you ever made in your equally pathetic life. Now live with it. Suffer the consequences. I’m not sorry for anything, you only did this to yourself. LOL. Bye.

6/21/2016 0 comment

Self-hate and metaphors

by hopeisafourletterword 5/9/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

I decided a while ago that self-hate is completely and utterly pointless. I don’t have any real reason to hate myself; neither does anyone else. You didn’t ask to come into this world. You were born, and you lived the life you did, and as much as you have free will, you are imperfect, and you will inevitably do stupid things. That’s not your fault. Your existence, no matter how good or bad you think it is, is not your fault. So try to redirect your self-hate. I, for example, choose instead to hate my life, not myself.

In hating my life instead, I often think […]

5/9/2016 1 comment

Tomorrow

by hopeisafourletterword 4/1/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

When we first met I had no intention of letting you inside, of giving you my heart, of loving you with my soul. Just a little while later, all of that came true. It all came true at the point I was most ready to end my life. It was… a miracle of sorts. The single best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No longer on the edge, I was yours to take, although you never did. But still, the tomorrows kept coming because of you. It’s two years later and nothing’s changed. I wish I had moved on by now, but with […]

4/1/2016 2 comments

Lately

by hopeisafourletterword 1/10/2016

written by hopeisafourletterword

I’ve been dwelling on different scenarios that could put me in the hospital. I know like between 50-75 people that would probably come see me, but there’s one person whose presence would mean the most to me. I’d want him there to hold my hand, talk to me, stay with me through it all, and if I were dying I’d want him holding me. I’d want him there so I could tell him how much I love him.

I’ve been in love with him for over a year, I honestly thought I’d be over it by now. He kinda knew that I liked him before, I […]

1/10/2016 2 comments

Cancer maybe?

by hopeisafourletterword 10/8/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

I recently looked up a particular symptom I’ve had for about 5 months. All these random health sites list the same boring possible causes, as well as several cancers that could cause it. Not many people would feel the same but I’d be really relieved if it was cancer. Especially if it was advanced. I could quit school, quit my job, quit everything, and live out the rest of my days however I want with no one blaming me for anything. Most likely just wishful thinking though. The symptom will probably alleviate itself in time and turn out to be nothing. But I can dream, can’t I?

10/8/2015 4 comments

Retail therapy

by hopeisafourletterword 8/17/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

I recently started working temporarily at this store where they set “goals” for each employee as to how many garment bags they sell and how many new customers they can get signed up for the store’s rewards program. It’s all a load of crap if you ask me.

These don’t even deserve to be called “goals” because 1. I could name about 1000 things that are more worthwhile, 2. you get no kind of reward if you actually reach this goal, and 3. it’s entirely up to the customer, not you.

The best you can do is ask if they want the bag, ask if they want to […]

8/17/2015 2 comments

I feel like

by hopeisafourletterword 8/15/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

I could die right here on this toilet seat. How sad.

8/15/2015 1 comment

No one else understands

by hopeisafourletterword 8/5/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

People like us. Only we understand each other. we lie everytime someone asks us “how are you” and we say “fine”. No one else gets that this life, this world the way it is, is a pointless existence that we shouldn’t be forced to go through, but here we are. Nobody else gets it. Maybe we are the smart ones. We are.

8/5/2015 4 comments

This might make me sound like a horrible person…

by hopeisafourletterword 7/28/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

I have very little sympathy for Bobbi Kristina’s family. They forced that poor girl to stay alive far too long after it was determined there was nothing they could do to save her. Whether she did it to herself or if her boyfriend killed her, whether she wanted to die or not, it’s safe to say that she suffered through 3 long years of unimaginable grief. I’m more inclined to believe that she killed herself, but that’s just me.
If I were her, all I would want is to be with my mother, not wasting a hospital bed while my family begs me to make […]

7/28/2015 5 comments

House

by hopeisafourletterword 7/11/2015

written by hopeisafourletterword

To kill time I binge-watched all 8 seasons of House on netflix. That show basically looks life, death, pain, sickness, grief, mental illness, addiction, lost love, anything else you can think of straight in the face and just puts it out there and really makes you think about how you would deal with that kind of stuff. Wilson was my absolute favorite. His and House’s friendship is the kind that’s excruciatingly hard to find and towards the end of the series House pretty much implied that he is nothing without Wilson. In one of the last episodes he goes on this epic tirade where he […]

7/11/2015 1 comment

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