Author

Jess

Soon. Soon people will see what I can do and I can hardly wait!

I have done nothing wrong. Nothing, yet I cant sleep at night, the world is so cruel, Im afraid to go to my locker in case I’ll see the same petty note stuck on there. The stares, the lies, the exclusion, Im so tired. So tired and so lonely. I have one person on earth, one person who I can talk to, smile and laugh with, but she may be taken away from me soon. Im so tired of all the abuse, the shit said behind my back, the trouble Im in that I dont deserve.

The new girl, how she managed to weasle her way […]

2/21/2013 1 comment

Why cant I just die?

by Jess 2/7/2013

written by Jess

I want to die so badly. There are thousands of other girls who are battling AIDS, cancer and other diseases, clutching to life, but failing, and there’s me, just crying and wishing that someone would slit my throat so I dont have to. Im just not good enough for anyone. Im not expected to have feelings, Im not expected to have wishes and needs, apparently I cant even choose my own high school elective courses, and after being screamed at about it, I am not expected to feel upset, they want me to be all smiles, hugging them and saying “I love you”.

Theres a […]

2/7/2013 3 comments

Im so sorry!

by Jess 12/18/2012

written by Jess

I was only trying to help! I just wanted to resolve a conflict, or help it. Im sorry! I didnt mean to upset anyone, I just hate seeing people argue! Im so sorry!

12/18/2012 1 comment

I don’t know…

by Jess 12/18/2012

written by Jess

I don’t know how!

I don’t know if I can

I don’t want to…

But I do…

/////////

I can’t go farther,

But I have to

I can’t even cry,

But I want to…

/////////

I try so hard,

But I can’t go forwardsÂ ,

And I can’t look back.

There is no tomorrow

There’s only right now

But still I struggleÂ to live another second…

12/18/2012 1 comment

Go away

by Jess 12/18/2012

written by Jess

“Just GO AWAY!” I hear that all the time. People don’t realize how much I actually think about ‘going away’, but not in the same sense they’re thinking… I think about killing myself probably 3-4 times a day. Sometimes more if the day is crappy, like this one.

I try to be funny, make other people smile. It makes me feel as if I have a purpose. But recently, people don’t seem the slightest amused or interested in me any more. I can’t even make an opinion anymore. My friend wears Uggs, and I’ll crack a joke like, “Those aren’t boots, they’re slippers!” And they all […]

12/18/2012 1 comment

You know what?

by Jess 12/16/2012

written by Jess

People suck. I’m horribly ashamed to be a person, I’d rather be a corpse. At least then I’d serve a purpose. Fertilizer, something for the crows to chew on. Here and now, I only serve as a laughing stock. The butt of the joke, that one crazy person no one wants around. Even my sisters hate me!

One thing toÂ say is, you’re all really lucky I’m still alive tonight. I had the pills IN MY MOUTH but I spit them out in the sink. I felt so numb while I was doing it. I didn’t feel anything, I couldn’t even cry. I’m just raw, worn down […]

12/16/2012 1 comment

Fighting

by Jess 12/15/2012

written by Jess

Fighting

In the boxing ring,

Fists held to my face,

Shielding myself from the blows headed my way.

I try and try so hard

Ducking, dodging, skirting away,

From the opponents coming my way.

Jab, hook, and cross

Side kick, front kick,

Knockdown.

On my back, looking up,

Dazed, startled, confused.

Panting, trying to catch my breath,

I wonder if itâ€™s even worth it.

5,4,3,2â€¦

Back on my feet,

Fists held to my face once more.

Kick, kick, kick,

Uppercut, jab, cross

In a blaze of aggression,

The round ends.

Gasping, sweating, blood trickles down my face

I try so hard to win,

But I just canâ€™t fight any more.

12/15/2012 0 comment

I want it all to go away

by Jess 12/15/2012

written by Jess

Sometimes I wish I’d just die already. I wish that I’d drowned when I was 2, or hit my head on the concrete as an infant like I almost did, but the universe is dead set on watching me suffer. I’ve tried so many different things to try and make it all go away, I tried cutting, it didn’t help, I tried popping tylenol whenever I felt down,Â and it helped for a while, but it doesn’t anymore. I’ve tried just crying for a long time, it made me feel worse.

I’m only 13, and life has already ended for me. My past is full of the […]

12/15/2012 7 comments

Courage

by Jess 12/3/2012

written by Jess

Why can’t I work up the goddamn courage? I want so badly to pick up my razor blades and cut away the pain, but all I can produce is a wimpy ass tiny nick because I’m too damn afraid.

I want so badly to take that bottle of pills and swallow them all, but whenever I’m alone I’m either too scared, or I’m crying too hard to unscrew the goddamn lid. I want to vent, but nobody wants to listen any more. It’s one thing to type it to complete strangers, it’s another entirely to tell the story of a thousand tears to my friend. Apparantly […]

12/3/2012 15 comments

The cliff

by Jess 12/2/2012

written by Jess

I’m starting to feel as if nobody understands, and even worse, I don’t think anybody cares to understand. No one knows. It’s like I’m falling off a cliff, scrambling to hold on. I’ve found a root, but that root can’t hold on forever. It’s almost done, it’s about to give way, and I crashed.

I go through life like a dream, it’s almost like clockwork. 10 AM, depressed, won’t talk to anybody, just trying to keep from bawling. 12 PM, happy-go-lucky, bouncing off the walls, so excited. 2 PM, depressed again. I constantly wonder, what’s the point? Why even bother?

I’m not enjoying myself, and I’ll admit, […]

12/2/2012 3 comments

Loneliness

by Jess 11/29/2012

written by Jess

I realized today that I’m always lonely. I yearn for a friend, someone to talk to, someone who understands, but even when I’m with my friends, I’m so damn lonely. I don’t feel as if they want me there, I don’t feel as if they’d really care if they saw me on the roof of a building, just about to jump.

I’m such a terrible person. I try to be funny and make people laugh, I reach out for people to be happy with me, so I can be pleased with myself, but I always say the wrong thing. Say the wrong joke, say it too […]

11/29/2012 8 comments

Fighting…

by Jess 11/29/2012

written by Jess

In the boxing ring,

Fists held to my face,

Shielding myself from the blows headed my way.

I try and try so hard

Ducking, dodging, skirting away,

From the opponents coming my way.

Jab, hook, and cross

Side kick, front kick,

Knockdown.

On my back, looking up,

Dazed, startled, confused.

Panting, trying to catch my breath,

I wonder if itâ€™s even worth it.

5,4,3,2â€¦

Back on my feet,

Fists held to my face once more.

Kick, kick, kick,

Uppercut, jab, cross

In a blaze of aggression,

The round ends.

Gasping, sweating, blood trickles down my face

I try so hard to win,

But I just canâ€™t fight any more.

11/29/2012 0 comment

Emptiness.

by Jess 11/28/2012

written by Jess

I feel so empty all the time. I just want to curl up in a ball and scream, but I just keep walking, with that same expression on my face. Is this really how life is supposed to be? With all these people, trying to save themselves, from themselves? Trying not to end their own life, trying to keep breathing?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it. What’s the point? What’s coming ahead that’s so important? Just more and more shit. Taxes, jobs, mortgages, college, high school, I’m only 13! I have a whole life in front of me, but all I can see is […]

11/28/2012 1 comment

Struggle

by Jess 11/28/2012

written by Jess

Living now, it has became a daily struggle. I fight to make it through another second, another minute, another hour. I can’t look into the future, I can’t tell myself I’ll make it to Christmas, I can only tell myself I can make it to 10 PM. Nothing helps me feel better. I can cry for hours and hours, it won’t make my wounds heal. I could rant all I pleased, it makes me feel worse. It’s like poking a bruise, it just makes it hurt more.

I try to make myself see things better, but things aren’t better, that’s just it! My “friends” hate me, […]

11/28/2012 2 comments

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