Does love really exist? I’ve wondered this many times. When I’ve dated guys and felt nice around them. When I’m with my grandma. When I think of dad. But then this feeling of emptiness comes along, and i hated it. Is that what love’s supposed to be? Emptiness? Why? Does mom feel like that when she thinks of me -if she ever does-? I hope not. I want her to only see the small good things I’ve done. they’re not so many but they’re something. Right? giving up my freedom wasn’t nothing, Right? God! If I had a dying wish it would be to hear […]
Dad died when i was 47 days old. it was a car accident and the person on the other car died as well. I know it’s wrong, but sometimes I wish Mom was the one in that car. I know for sure that I would be happier. Is that wrong? that i sort-of wish mom would die? I know it sounds horrible… but what can I do? I’m a monster. I can’t feel a damn thing. I saw how one of my best friends was crying her eyes out today because her grandma died and i … I couldn’t feel anything. Not a single thing. […]
Where? Where was God when the bastard my brothers call ‘dad’ was hurting me? Where was he when my brother’s hand was getting burned? When Mom was beating the shit out of me? When they took me from my brothers? When my best friend and Dad were dying? I don’t fucking know. I wish i did but I don’t. I wish I believed in him everyday. I wish Mom loved me. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts in my head. I wish so many things I can’t have. But most importantly… I wish i was dead, that i never existed. That Mom would have had […]
Is it fair that I blame my mom for what happened? I mean after all, she does have 4 child and she needed to work, right? She needed to be out, RIGHT? But what about me? Was it my fault for wearing such short skirts and shorts? Is it possible that I actually provoked him? What if I had trusted someone? If maybe I hadn’t been so damn scared, then maybe, just maybe Mom would love me, right? Stupid hope. She’s always trying to get in and then karma -like the ***** she is- comes around and destroys it. Of course Mom would never love […]
Why does it feel
that Mr. sharp
is the only one
that loves me?
Why is he
the only one
that is able
to make me forget?
the only one that
makes me feel like
i matter?
do i really?
why does it
feel so
good
when my skin
rips open?
Why do
I crave to feel the
pain that he
leaves behind?
I know.
because its the
only thing
reminding me
I’m still alive.
My best friend. He died. A couple of months ago he just said he’s head was hurting and then next thing you know, he’s in the hospital. Half his brain turned off and he went into coma. Two weeks later doctors told us he would never wake up. He’d been my best friend since I was five. How could he leave? Did he not realize how he would hurt not only me but the other ones that loved him as much as I did? I don’t like trusting anyone. I know thy’ll leave me behind and that will hurt. I just know it. Yet I […]
Today i realized something. Most people i know think i’m a heartless person. Of course they think this because they do not know what my stepfather did to me. they don’t know what it was to know that you had to give everything up in order to save your brothers and mother. you know what really sucks of that? that those brothers i tried to protect don’t know who i am. They don’t even remember who their big sister is. They just know i’m the girl that “betrayed” their mother. that what mom’s made them believe. And that hurts. But can you really blame me […]
I know a girl
She draws on
her skin
with blades instead
of pens
It all began when
she was eight.
She wondered why?
Why would he look at her like that?
Why would she let him?
She often thought:
“She loves me”
But deep down
She knew
It was
A lie
She’s never loved her
And never will
The only one that
Truly loves her
Is Mr. Sharp.
He makes her happy.
He helps her forget about THEM.
When her skin
Rips open
And her demons
Come out…
Oh there’s no better
Feeling than that.
But the feeling goes away!
“NO! come back!” she yells.
But not even
Pain wants her.
And that hurts like hell.
People always believe
The “I’ll kill you” stare
And the “go away “routine.
Because nobody
really cares to
see what’s
left inside
To look into her eyes
And see her […]
Is it so bad that i want to ended all. I mean who will even miss me? Not my family i know that for sure. but then why is it that every time i try it it feels like if i was doing something bad? I wish i had the courage of doing it. If i ever have the courage i hope the pain goes away immediately. I talked to my mom the other day and like always she just said it was my fault. I don’t know why i even picked up. Its always the same story with her. I shouldn’t allow hope, its […]
My stepfather raped me when i was 9 and kept doing it until i was 11. he said if i ever told anyone any of this he’d kill me, my mother and brothers. Mom was never home, she was always working and didn’t even care about us. Why did i give a crap what happened to her or even my brothers? i don’t know. Mom has never loved me, shes told me before I’m the worst mistake she could ever make and i believe i am. When she found out what was going on she blamed it on me and said i was “trying to […]