Author

Isabella

I’m still here.

by Isabella 1/9/2018

written by Isabella

Hey guys,

I just wanted to pop on and say that I’m still here. A little life update of sorts. Again, when I say that “I’m still here,” I just want to confirm that I’m alive. Alive and well? I’m doing alright. I’m sitting here with my boyfriend right now. Last time I wrote on this website, I had a boyfriend who lived in England. It’s not the same guy that is sitting with me right now. We broke up a few months ago, right at the same time I met this guy in my English class. However, I will say that I’ve stayed single for […]

1/9/2018 1 comment

21 and here again

by Isabella 4/15/2017

written by Isabella

It goes around…and around…and around. Spinning in my head. It feels like a carousel that has burst into flames. Things become increasingly more painful, burning my insides. But I can’t jump off or I’ll get hurt, or die. I want to die so badly though. I’m just afraid of death. I’ve been suicidal since I was 17 years old. I’m 21 now. My last post on here was a positive one. Well, me being me…I can’t maintain positive relationships in my life whatsoever. So I’m back to having hardly any friends or family. I went to a funeral today. I’m jealous of those who get […]

4/15/2017 3 comments

A year and a half later

by Isabella 4/1/2016

written by Isabella

Hi guys. I’m still here! And by here, I mean alive. Maybe I don’t feel all mentally there 100% of the time. I’m not recovered by any means. But, I’m significantly better. Medicated with prescriptions that work so well for me. I’ve changed. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I have more friends now. I have a boyfriend. Yeah, he lives in England and I’m in the USA. It’s not ideal. But I’ve never been so in love in my life. Am I allowed to write shit like this? Am I allowed to be happy? Regardless, I’m dying to share what I’ve been […]

4/1/2016 1 comment

You killed the last bit of hope I had, son of a *****.

by Isabella 10/13/2014

written by Isabella

I don’t know if I’m more mad at him or myself for finally trusting so quickly. Being so naive. Every last bit of my insides are screaming at me. “You’re stupid! You shouldn’t have trusted another human being!”

The basis of what happened? I let this guy in. I met him here at college, confided in him. Showed him my scars. He kissed them. I thought he was growing to care for me. It happened. He got in my pants. He had his way with me and I wanted it too. I believed he would stay when it was all over.

He didn’t. I was damaged as […]

10/13/2014 4 comments

I want to make friends here

by Isabella 10/3/2014

written by Isabella

Hi,

My name is Izzy. I suffer from severe social anxiety so I don’t have any friends in real life. I’m at a university for my first year of college. I’m suicidal. I would like to make friends on this website.

10/3/2014 9 comments

College isn’t how I pictured it

by Isabella 10/3/2014

written by Isabella

Here I am, sitting here in my dorm with the light out. The sun is going down, soon there will only be darkness in my room. There is a concert going on and if I go, I will have a panic attack.

I don’t have a roommate because we didn’t get along. Who am I able to get along with? I really want to know. Every social situation has my stomach in knots. My palms saturated in sweat. My stomach a mess.

I have never felt truly suicidal until I came to college. I’ve dealt with depression since I was about 12 or 13, but turning 18 […]

10/3/2014 4 comments

I don’t understand who I’m becoming

by Isabella 10/3/2014

written by Isabella

I posted yesterday.

This morning I woke up and thought “If I’m going to kill myself, today is the day.” And I’m too cowardly to go through with it. I’m giving myself just a few more days to pull out of this mess. I want kids, I want to get married and I want to graduate college. I’m a freshman this year. I have plans and ambitions. But I don’t want to live with this pain. Taking 3 pills for my depression is what I was told to do, and with that, I sleep through my classes.

If I take only 2? I want to die

Someone tell […]

10/3/2014 5 comments

I’m getting very tired of feeling different

by Isabella 10/2/2014

written by Isabella

Hi to whoever is reading this. I don’t know where to begin. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. Going into college, being an 18 year old girl felt amazing. I pictured myself partying, having so many friends and so much fun. I tried to play myself off as that person for the first month. And it didn’t occur to me that I was draining myself slowly. Finally, at the beginning of last month, I realized that these “friends” I had made were interested in who I pretended to be. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I wouldn’t fit in if I […]

10/2/2014 1 comment