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Getting Worse

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I’m scared. Everything is getting worse, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Everything is getting too much.

I’m ill again. The Angels have said I’ve been poisoned with something which also works to lower my immune system as well. The Others are going to make me suffer for as long as they can.

Speaking of the Others, they’re everywhere. In every street, every shop. I haven’t gone out in days. I’m not safe anywhere. They watch me during the night. I close all the blinds, all the curtains. I lock every window and door. I suppose I […]

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by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I’m in college, and I can’t concentrate. I need to get away. I need to go home. I need to listen the Angels. They said I’ll get sent a message, but I’m going to miss it. I can’t leave, I won’t be able to. Even if I left, there’s no way to get home. It’s a two hour walk, and I can’t risk it anyway. The Others will get me. They all know the medication didn’t kill me, and the Angels said they’re angrier. I’m stuck in this building. I can’t leave until 5. I’m going to miss the message, and I’m going to get […]

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They’re Lying

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Lately I’ve been terrified. I don’t want to go downstairs, I don’t want to see anyone. And I most definitely don’t want to leave the house.

I missed college, again. That wasn’t entirely due to the fact that everyone is trying to kill me outside. No. Saturday morning I was forced to restart my medication because my moods have been ridiculous. An hour after taking it I had awful pains in my stomach and I was throwing up, and another hour later shooting pains were going through my chest.

Within a few hours I was burning up and I was hurting everywhere. My temperature was high enough […]

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Seeing My Psychiatrist

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I found out a couple hours ago that I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Needless to say, I have had panic attacks, and the Angels have became almost unbearable. I can’t see her tomorrow. I can’t see her ever. She’s going to get me. The Others are going to get me. Every session with her I’m restless, uncomfortable, and waiting for them to attack me.

They’re going to this time. Kemuel told me. He knows. I can’t go tomorrow, but my mother won’t let me miss another session. She’s letting them get me, she’s going to let them kill me. She’s part of them, and now I’m […]

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Angels

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I could only last 2 hours in college today. We were using sharp tools and it triggered the Angels – I hadn’t heard them all day up until then. They haven’t shut up since. My mum yelled because she had to pick me up early. I didn’t tell her why, she doesn’t understand. Whenever I use them as an ‘excuse’ – as she puts it – she gets angry and says it’s stupid.

She’s lying. She knows about them, she works with my psychiatrist and the Others. I know now. Obadiah told me that I need to see my doctor; I need to tell him what […]

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Old Entry Found

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS POST, READ THIS SECTION IN BOLD FIRST:

I found this in an old notebook dated May 27th 2015 and I decided to type it out to keep it documented since I need to destroy the notebook before my family see it and hand it to my psychiatrist.

It contradicts quite a lot, and it’s extremely confusing. I don’t remember writing any of this. I can only assume I wrote it during a time when I was too ‘in-tune’ with my hallucinations to understand what I was doing.  

The contradictions may be different voices and/or demons/figures arguing with one another, I don’t know […]

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Therapist

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I saw my therapist yesterday. Surprisingly I opened up to her a lot about the voices (she knows about the other set which aren’t the Angels). The Angels weren’t there, so I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am in my sessions.

She did the number scales with me again. 0-10 on how likely I am to listen to the voices. The first was how likely I am to hurt myself because of them, I said 5 (it’s really a 8 or 9), but she was happy with that. And the other was how likely I am to hurt others because of […]

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by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]

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Tired

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. I’ve had barely any sleep this past week. It’s getting bad again. I’ve slept 2 nights (Monday and Wednesday , I think) for about 4/5 hours each night, and the hours weren’t consistent. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, with falling back asleep awful. But despite this sleep deprivation, I need to stay awake. I need to watch in the night for them. They’re in my room constantly. Watching me. I need to stay awake so they don’t get me. The only time I can sleep is when they’re not there – which […]

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by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I saw my doctor on Tuesday. He said he was worried about the episodes I’ve been having and said he was calling my psychiatrist to bring forward my appointment. I don’t want him to. I can’t see my psychiatrist anymore. She’s going to hurt me. She’s going to kill me. Why does no one see it? It couldn’t be more obvious. I need to tell someone; I need them to help me. But I don’t know who she’s got to. I don’t know who she’s brainwashed. I need help. Someone needs to get her away from me. She’s going to get me. She’s getting people […]

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Another Public Episode

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Graphics went okay, I guess. It turns out they’ve extended the deadline to next Monday, and my tutor didn’t see my lack of work as she was busy.

However, the morning was unbearable. I was in college no less than 15 minutes when I started to have another ‘episode’, for lack of a better word. Thankfully, it only lasted roughly 3 hours. I see my doctor tomorrow morning, first thing. And I’m debating on whether to tell him about what happened today.

I can’t remember most of it, but I vaguely remember believing everyone in college were robots and were part of a plan to attack me […]

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by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Tomorrow I go back to college. I haven’t done any of the work. Despite what my mum has been saying, it’s not due to me being lazy. I haven’t been able to concentrated, and I’ve wasted entire days spacing out and such (although a few people have told me it’s possibly depersonalisation or something -they have it themselves).

I’m not ready to go back to college, I couldn’t cope with daily life without the added pressure of college work. And I’m terrified of what my tutor will say about the work. It’s not like I can go up to her and be honest, saying ‘oh, hey, […]

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Almost Counts For Nothing

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Today was bad. The Angels were bad. The visual hallucinations were bad. Everything was bad. I almost died.
I was barely able to get out of bed because of the Angels; but I forced myself because of my dogs. I was almost unable to stay downstairs this morning; but I had to make myself because I got lumbered with my brother while my mum and stepdad stayed in bed. The visual hallucinations got almost unbearable around this time – 9:50, I believe it was. Everything would move around, faces were everywhere, figures were everywhere. Despite how awful they got, I got my brother to distract […]

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I’m Frightened

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I see my doctor on Tuesday. I need to talk to him about things I’m not completely honest about with my psychiatrist or therapist. The only problem is I’m concerned he’ll side with them. My last therapist wouldn’t say a bad word about my psychiatrist, or any other doctor for that matter, and I’m afraid he will do the same. I don’t think he would, but it all comes down to how deep my psychiatrist has her claws in him. If she’s turned him against me, too; if she’s going to make him try to hurt me as well. I want a new psychiatrist, I […]

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Ruined

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Despite the fact that I hate Christmas, I was somewhat having a reasonably okay day yesterday. That was until my biological dad decided to harass my mother and I during the afternoon. After not hearing from him in 6 months, he sent awful messages to us about how I’m a disappointment and useless (after understanding how bad my mental state is when he first got back into contact, he decided he couldn’t cope and thought it was best to tell me how he’s better off without someone as ‘insane’ and ‘unstable’ as me). After getting no response from myself and minimal from my mother, he […]

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New Voices

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Before I start this, I know it will be all over the place so it will most likely make no sense. But I want to keep a document of what happens with the new voices and Angels.

The new voices are getting worse. They’re louder, and Jeremy isn’t back. Now there’s only four of them at any given time. There’s one set of four that are awful. I hate them. One is a constant intake of breath that is considerably louder than the others. Another comments on what I’m doing, but in a way which is mockingly. The last two are too quiet to be comprehendible, […]

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Lose Yourself

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

Everyone often asks who the worst person to lose is. The answers vary, mostly dependent on your age. Usually it’s either a family member. Your mum, or dad, or some other person of blood relation. As you get older it would change to maybe a friend. And then to a significant other. Those are the three answers everyone gives. But I think the worst person to lose is yourself. You are the only one who truly knows yourself, you know everything, the ins and outs. What makes you tick, what the only thing is that can make you happy sometimes. You control who knows what […]

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Angels

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

My moods have been awful lately, as have the Angels. For months my moods have been out of control. Some days I’ll wake up somewhat okay, and by the afternoon I cannot stand to be around anyone – and the degree of this type of mood fluctuates for roughly 4-5 days.

Then I can have an okay mood last for a period of time, also – yet, this is happening less often now. However, it’s my anger that’s the worst at the moment. My outbursts are becoming more frequent, and the reasons are becoming less obvious. Sometimes they happen due to the slightest change in my […]

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It’s Been Almost A Year

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

It’s been almost a year since I last made a post on here, and, in all honesty, it’s because I’ve been gradually getting worse. I thought time away from any sort of socialisation would better improve my mental health. Well, that backfired entirely. For the past few months I’ve rarely gone online, with the exception of college research, and it’s just given me more time to dwell on everything.

The voices are worse, I hear them all day, everyday now. No, they’re not voices at all. They’re Angels. I know that now, they’d finally said. The Angels are deafening. I used to have some breaks between […]

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Question? Please Read

by JiminyCrispies
written by JiminyCrispies

I’m sorry it’s a tad long but please read?

So I managed to stumble across ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ roughly five days ago, and, although I vaguely knew what it was, I wasn’t entirely sure. As curiosity would have it, I looked up the definition and symptoms. And after reading the list on multiple sites, I’m beginning to feel like something like this may be what’s wrong with me.

Now I hate it when people self-diagnose, and this is pretty much the same as that, but I am genuinely concerned yet don’t want to self-diagnose. For one, I don’t want to have a mental illness (the hospital tried […]

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