Everyone often asks who the worst person to lose is. The answers vary, mostly dependent on your age. Usually it’s either a family member. Your mum, or dad, or some other person of blood relation. As you get older it would change to maybe a friend. And then to a significant other. Those are the three answers everyone gives. But I think the worst person to lose is yourself. You are the only one who truly knows yourself, you know everything, the ins and outs. What makes you tick, what the only thing is that can make you happy sometimes. You control who knows what about yourself and who doesn’t.
So when you wake up one day and to find you’ve lost yourself, it’s terrifying. You wake up, and suddenly you don’t recognise yourself anymore. You’re this stranger to yourself, and you don’t know anything anymore; and no one can help because they know nothing about you. You can’t understand what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way. You don’t understand anything about yourself, and everything feels foreign. It’s like you’ve never been this person before. And you try and dismiss it. It’s not real. You’re just overlooking someone else’s life. But it is and you’re not.
And suddenly you’re nauseous. You don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t know how to help yourself. You don’t know who to trust.
The voices continue. Louder, now. Somehow you know they’ve always been there. And this is what makes you trust them. You know the voices, more than you know yourself. You trust them more. Reluctant at first, of course, but you trust them. Everything you do is for the voices. Everything you believe is what the voices tell you to believe. Because they’re right. They’re the only thing you know. Despite losing yourself and sight of everything in your life, the voices stayed. And so you know nothing except the voices. Only the voices. And you yourself remain a mystery
I’m sorry if this was difficult to understand. I feel it is horribly disorganised. But things were interfering as I was writing and changing the course my mind started to take.
2 comments
This sadly was difficult to understand at all. Its not disorganised. Or maybe it is, but my mind might get where you are coming from!
It’s terrible to feel like you have lost yourself.
I was just thinking today that being around so many people that we are so selfless as people who are depressed or with any mental health condition.
I always put everyone else first and the minute I put anyone else first people guilt trip me. Like I shouldn’t be selfish when all I want is 5 minutes to myself and a good sleep#
It’s a fucking joke.
Nothing worse than losing who you are because you lose all sense of identity and you wonder why you are here at all.
Now I feel like ive talked crap! But yeah.
I meant was not difficult to understand!