I haven’t posted anything in like a month. I guess I’ve been doing okay. Haven’t really cried. I’ve just been thinking a lot. No pain I guess. I don’t even know what to say. I guess I’ve changed in some way…
I don’t know. There’s nothing left to say.
I’m just tired. Just want to leave.
I just don’t belong here.
I’ve never really liked games and life is just a game but the only thing that makes this game different is that we all know how it ends. Everyone loses. Everyone dies.
“Him. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything was so perfect. He made it perfect. He meant the world to me. I actually felt like I would die for him. I felt it and I wasn’t even scared. Death has never scared me.
I experienced so many feelings. I felt happy. He was the only thing that mattered to me. Whenever I did something I always thought of him. I actually had the courage to see him everyday. I wasn’t embarrassed from sending so many messages to him.
I always wanted to be his friend. I tried but I never succeeded. He didn’t wanna […]
Haven’t posted anything in a few days. I just don’t even know how I feel right now. I’m so tired. Yesterday I went to the beach with my family and some friends. Today I went to the pool.
I know, it sounds like I do enjoy every minute of my life. I admit, although I hate my life, there are times when I have some fun.
But even when I was having fun this weekend, I still kept thinking about how those people would remember me after I killed myself.
These past few days I’ve been so different. I’ve been getting really irritated. I can just snap easily. Whenever I’m like this I feel like I have no control and that the person I used to be is long gone. It feels like the voices took over and I’m long gone. It’s so hard to explain. I’m a totally different person.
The other night, as I laid in bed, I started saying some prayers and I started talking to mom and while I spoke I felt evil. I felt like I was gone. Like the girl that I used to be didn’t exist anymore. I don’t know […]
“I’ve grown used to the depression. I’ve grown used to the emptiness. “
I’m tired. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I want to be.
I’ve gotten used to the depression; the anxieties; the empty feeling; the voices. That’s how I ‘live’.
If I do make it out alive, how am I supposed to live? This is the only way I know how to ‘live’.
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
They say it’s okay.
That it’s gonna get better.
They don’t understand.
They think it’s a phase.
That we’re just overreacting.
They think we’re okay.
They see the fucking signs,
They just don’t care.
They don’t hear the voices.
They don’t feel the pain.
They don’t know.
And we won’t tell.
I want people to ask me if I’m okay. I want to know people still care. I want to know I matter. I want to be loved, just like everyone else. I want to be accepted. I want to fit in. I want to be wanted.
Last night I lost control over my feelings. Couldn’t stop crying. My family went out so I stayed home alone. I turned off all my bedroom lights and went and sat in my closest. Started crying; weeping. I was thinking about cutting again. I was saying to myself “You promised. Don’t break the promises you made.”
Although I promised, I turned on the closet light and looked for the blades (2). As I was holding them in my hands I kept thinking of my friends and the promises I made.
After a while holding them, it was hard but I put them back and got up. […]
Why do I feel so alone? I try to stay positive but how could I?
I think it’s healing. It looks somewhat better than when I first got it. Btw, It’s been covered up the whole time. I put band-aids on it so it doesn’t get infected or just so it can heal faster. I don’t know. I don’t want people to start asking dumb questions.
When I die I don’t want anyone to cry. I want them to look at the sky and say ‘goodbye’.
When I’m long gone and they miss me I want them to whisper to the sky everything they want to tell me.
I will listen to every word they have to say because when you die people get the courage to tell you what they couldn’t tell you when you were alive.
I want to hear that they miss me.
I want to hear the words “I love you” over and over again.
I want them to talk about me even after I’m gone. I want them remember me. To […]
“We’re just suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide isn’t the answer”
Honestly, I try to be so supportive to everyone. I try to be someone helpful. I try to understand the misunderstood. I try to be a really good friend. I try to be everything except myself. Every time I forget to put my needs before everyone else’s. I forget to be myself because I’m so busy filling in all the other roles.
I try to support every belief. In a way, if you are a Muslim and you are a great friend I won’t care what your […]
I don’t know. I’m really different. I have a lot of problems with myself. I always have to battle my inner self. I mean that’s something I always have to deal with. I always have to fight it.
My emotions play a big role in my life. In a way they pretty much control everything I do or say. Like if I’m placed in a sad situation my pity and my own problems affect what I do or say. I cry or I feel my “hole” opening.
My “hole” is literally a really dark hole I feel right between my throat and my chest that opens up […]
I am so bipolar.
I have really bad anger problems. Like I get so mad and I feel like I’m such a monster.
I feel so evil on the inside. I’m scared to know what I’m capable of doing.
It’s just that I feel like it takes over me and I can’t control it.
Is it just me? Am I that different?
When you feel alone.
Those are the moments when your demons take over your mind.
In those moments suicidal thoughts start circling around your head.
Trying to trick you into playing the game.
A game that once you start playing you won’t be able to quit.
And the only way you’ll get out is being dead.
Because in the end that’s what the demons want from you.
To die and never come back.
Because if we come back they will haunt us again and again nonstop.
Because they want to get rid of us.
After all, that’s what demons do for a living.
Well I tried cutting for the first time today……
I thought that maybe since it helps a lot of people with their problems one way or another it might help me.
Well, it didn’t.
I was so freaked out.
At first it looked like the blade didn’t do anything but then my skin started opening and you could see this white layer right under my skin and blood wouldn’t stop coming out.
I know, it’s kinda gross.
I’m sorry if I just made you feel sick but I had to tell someone.
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
I just want to go back to where I belong.
A place far far away from here.
Where no one judges one another.
But maybe, maybe it’s all just a dream and I’ll wake up in that beautiful place again one day.
And the rainbows will cover the skies.
There will be happiness.
Why?
Why am I fooling myself?
This is reality not a dream.
I am alive on the outside but I’ve been dead for so long.
I became ready for death a long time ago but I guess death isn’t ready for me just yet.
I don’t even know.
I’m just tired.
All these mixed feelings.
Stress? Not sure.
Depression? Of course.
Sadness? Well yeah.
Happiness? Doubt it.
Mother’s day. I don’t know……
I just gotta say you shouldn’t just appreciate your mom on mother’s day, you should appreciate her every single day. One day when she’s long gone you won’t be able to to tell her how much she means to you or how much you love her. One day she will be gone and you won’t get another.
I gotta admit, I wasn’t the best daughter. I always had some type of anger problems with her. Like sometimes, I have to say, and it hurts to say it, I would hit her. I would get mad and I would be rude. I wouldn’t […]