The tears just wont stop coming
Every day now – I cry
I ask God to take me – to give me some relief from this hell I live in
For a very short time, I thought there was hope
But just like everyone else, he left me alone
I was stupid to even believe in a glimmer of happiness
It never comes
I don’t want to be here anymore
2 nights ago I dreamed I was torn apart by a mountain lion – and that peace, that you only find in death – I felt that in the dream.
And then I woke up […]
Waiting… for someone
Waiting… for some time
Waiting.. Waiting.. why?
Always waiting for things to ‘get better’
Time to ‘feel better’
Better has eluded me for 30 years now –
I think that 30 years is far too long to wait.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone.
Endless waiting vs. endless sleep?
I choose endless sleep
And just when you find a flicker of hope,
you realize all you saw, was a reflection in
the mirror, a glimmer now gone, so too is my resolve
God – if you hear me, PLEASE don’t let me wake up again tomorrow – I just want to go away – I can’t do it myself – I’ve tried. Just let me leave this place – alone too long – and that’s the way it will always be – just let me sleep now – no more, no more – please no more
I don’t want to feel ANYTHING anymore
JUST MAKE IT FUCKING STOP.. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
When all that you feel
Is sorrow
Empty
Unloved
And lonely
When colours all bleed
And everything
Dims
Greys
And fades
When your heart
Is beating
Once
More
And aches
What is the reason
To continue?
Can you die
From a shattered, broken soul?
I want to sleep – I want to cease
I never want to wake up again
Please, please – I should not be here
I tried to help a friend – a dear dear friend
It backfired – he hates me
I have nothing nothing left
I am leaving tonight – probably in a few minutes
They may not find me – hopefully not
My kids deserved better
My friend deserved better
I am sorry God
I tried
I failed
And the world is no more worse off than when I entered
Now I leave no more breathing, no more tears
I’m done
Goodbye
where do i start?
How about with the life everyone thought i had – hell i even deluded myself into believing it for awhile – and then the rape and then the child and i can’t say if the 2 happened at the same time and now that grown little girl is crying her eyes out over a tiny cut her Mother made on her wrist- she called her brother – didn’t ask me anything… I don’t blame her – I wasn’t there for her like i should have been – ever.. I’ve tried to be there now – but she saw the cut – it […]
Didn’t get what i needed
But i talked to someone and it calmed me down
Im still here- scared as hell.. feel like shit
But I want you to know that your comments (on my last post) today – i read them and they matter to me. Thank you
When you feel so alone and cut off its hard to see anything but the darkness..its around me and in me – its trying to win and i’m trying to fight.. i want to give up so badly but something keeps me here… Right now, i keep running to my room for solace- i have panic attacks and the feeling of overwhelming dread […]
I’ve got it worked out in my head
I may go tonight
But i need a bottle of something –
If it works, goodbye…
Life, you are a fucking cruel joke
I’m DONE
Just when you think it can’t possibly get any worse
my cousin died last night – motorcycle accident
RIP Mark
Ok – so
I started at a new therapist yesterday
She talked to me for an hour and a half. We literally scratched the surface – I told her when I started to feel anxiety in my life and told her a LITTLE about my 3 life destroying relationships
She says to me – “You have suffered a very high degree of trauma in your life”… ALREADY – she knows this from the tiny tip of the gigantic, ship fucking sinking iceberg that is my life… I haven’t even told her about all through school and the suicide attempt(S) and she says “I have August off”… […]
“Dance Puppet”
-Yes master
“Sing Puppet”
-Well, okay master
“Grovel Puppet”
-Please, master?
“Go Away Puppet”
-I will master, I’m going
“Die Puppet”
-But master, I’m already dead…
When a thread of hope
Is snatched away
Like a bird taking flight
Why is the darkness even darker
Than it was at first glance?
Is it eyes or demons playing tricks?
Innocence mocks me with a cruel twist of time
I never belonged here or now
(n) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.
Welsh word, and describes exactly how I feel
I stumbled upon this- its very interesting
Empty
-But I bleed
Hollow
-But I hurt
Lonely
-But I want
Dead
-But I breathe
Scream
-But I cry
Alive
-I want to die
So, I thought that KNOWING would help fix me – turns out, I think I’m drowning instead
So, I found out for the first time in 20 years that I was right.. Being married did NOT give him permission.
When I said NO and when I was asleep and woke up with him on top of me it was NOT consensual.
Multiple times over a long span of time I lived in Hell because it was his ‘right’ as my husband.
FUCK YOU – YOU LOUSY MISERABLE SONOFABITCH – HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME? HOW DARE YOU!
HATE and ANGER and DEPRESSION and MISERY and its all because of YOU, YOU BASTARD
I want to SCREAM – all these fucking years like this because I WAS […]
The one truth
I can count on
Because you have been there
Through years
Day and night
The only one that has remained
Change does not alter you
Neither time nor place
Desperation is my dark friend
Despair my only constant
You used me
I didn’t mind
At the time
But now
You don’t even
Say hello
You never even
Said goodbye
For me
It will never be over
Because you didn’t
Give me the chance
To let go
And So I sit here
Hopelessly waiting
For you
I keep trying to talk
But you just turned away
And left me
Why did you have to go?
Why didn’t you let me?