Today was the day that I planned to kill myself, but unfortunately my affairs won’t be completely in order until November 25th. I can’t depart from this world until all of my affairs are in order because I don’t want to leave a mess behind for people to clean up. Earlier my ex professor emailed me, and called me asking if I was okay because he felt like I wasn’t. Initially, I denied that anything was wrong, and then I broke down and told him everything. All he did was push me further to suicide because he can’t comprehend the amount […]
I gave myself one week for me to change my mind, and to not execute my plan to attempt suicide. The day that I planned to execute my plan, and end my life was Friday. I told myself that if anyone showed that they actually cared about me, or if someone gave me a reason to live that I wouldn’t end my life. One of my ex-college professors called my cell phone this weekend. He asked if I was okay, and said that I seemed troubled the last time that he talked to me. I immediately tried to reassure him […]
I have set a new termination date, and I plan to depart next week. Hopefully this time I do not screw up and end up still alive. I feel trapped, and that I have to make this decision. Although I have been depressed and suicidal for the past seven years, I feel as though my feelings have catalyzed within the past few weeks. I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired. Sick and tired of being a stupid, worthless,and hated burden on those that are around me. I am nothing more than a failure. I don’t […]
Today was the day that I was supposed to die, but I have failed once again. All week I have been getting my affairs in order, and I was finally ready to depart from this world. I woke up, went to my one and only class, and left class feeling completely and utterly at ease, and at peace with what I was about to do. My letter was written, I had said my goodbyes, I was ready. I drove home from class, and started tearing up a little bit in the car, but that quickly subsided when I realized that everything […]
For the past seven years I have been struggling to get through the day, and I simply cannot do it anymore. With every breath that I take, I am ruining the lives of those that are around me because I am nothing more than a burden. I am a disgrace to the human race. I am a monster. I hurt those that are around me, and I ruin everything that I touch. I am a failure in every sense of the word, and nothing I ever do will ever be good enough for anyone. I have been nothing but […]
I can’t do this anymore, I really truly can’t. The stress is too much. The pressure is too much. Everyone expects too much from me, when I can barely even get out of bed in the morning anymore. To my family I am just a failure because I can never meet their expectations. To my friends, I am a burden to have around because I suck the life out of anyone who is near me. I ruin everything that I touch beyond repair, and I am nothing more than a pathetic waste of space. I shouldn’t be on […]
The walls are closing in on me once again, and I feel as though I am suffocating. I’ve been trapped in this seemingly never ending abyss for just over eight years now, and everything seems to be getting worse. I have nothing to contribute to the world, except my death. Day in and day out, I have to force myself to get out of bed, and put on a happy facade. Putting on this facade is becoming increasingly difficult to do, and I just want to give up. I do not want to live. I am nothing but a […]
In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted […]
Once, again my life is continuing on it’s downward decent; although this time it is spiraling out of control more rapidly than it ever has before. I can’t do any of this anymore…nor do I really want to. I am tired, of living, breathing, and existing. I feel as if I do not even have a purpose anymore, but instead I am an empty shell that is carrying on the functions of the person that I used to be. No one cares about me, for awhile I thought that maybe for once in my life someone actually cared about me, but alas I was wrong. I was […]
All my life I have heard the phrase, “It gets better”, well I am living proof that no it does not, at least it hasn’t in my experience. If my life was going to get better, and stop from spiraling out of control, then wouldn’t it have gotten at least a little bit better by now? I mean it has been over six years, and nothing has changed, it has only gotten worse. I’m tired of living, of my suicide attempts failing, only to wake up from yet again another failure, whilst the madness and chaos that is my life resumes. No one cares about […]
Life is supposed to be lived at a sort of dynamic equilibrium, with some days being better than others, but each day always being manageable to live through. Alas, this is not the case in my life, my life is far past manageable, it feels as if each and everyday that goes by, my life keeps drifting farther and farther past that manageable mark. I don’t know how much longer I can keep continuing on this downward decent. In every part of my life I feel trapped, like there is no way out of the current situation from everything that pertains to my family life, […]
Nothing good ever stays with me, it’s as simple as that. If by chance that something does come into my life that can be viewed as good, it is taken away from me a short while after. Every single thing that I do is a mistake, I guess that I myself am a mistake. I can’t even do something as simple as killing myself right, every single time I always end up failing. Why can’t I just die?  I’m tired of living, and experiencing everything that is apart of this world. All of the good is overtaken by the bad in this world, and i’m completely […]
What is a “life”, because this constant state of nothing in which I live in cannot surely be qualified as a life. Every single day I wake up and I wish to enter an eternal sleep. I am not quite sure whether or not I truly want to die, but I most certainly know that I do not want to live. If I could just enter a state of unconsciousness until I was ready to either make my decision, and off myself, or to continue living, then things would seem better. I have attempted suicide in the past, only to fail, or to have someone […]
Nothing, that’s what I am, and that’s what I feel. I may be breathing but, I am not living. Nothing that I ever do is ever good enough for anyone, and it never will be. For years I used to blame those that were around me for the way that I am, but maybe all along it has only truly been me. Maybe the beatings, the abuse, the hatred that others always directed at me was never really their fault, perhaps the blame should have been pointed at me all along. There is no reason for me to live, everything that I have ever held dear to […]
What is the whole point of living anyways? When you get to the point where all you feel is numbness and pain, why should you go forth in life? When every waking moment of your life you unintentionally hurt the people who are supposed to love you, why not end their pain? It would be selfish of me if I continued to live. My death it seems is inevitable, the people who are closest to me all know that at some point I will end my life. So why not end the pain now? I’m tired of pretending to live, when in truth, I already […]
I am so incredibly tired of living. Of dealing with everything, and of putting up with people. Especially the people who think that it is their mission to “save” me, when I don’t want to be saved. I’m tired of waking up every morning, and never actually accomplishing anything except, for living life on a endless repeat button. This isn’t a life, and nothing anyone ever says or does can change anything. People tell me all the time that,”things will get better.” No, it won’t, it’s been six years and nothing has changed. I can’t overcome my past, I can’t deal with the present, and I […]