Today was the day that I planned to kill myself, but unfortunately my affairs won’t be completely in order until November 25th. I can’t depart from this world until all of my affairs are in order because I don’t want to leave a mess behind for people to clean up. Earlier my ex professor emailed me, and called me asking if I was okay because he felt like I wasn’t. Initially, I denied that anything was wrong, and then I broke down and told him everything. All he did was push me further to suicide because he can’t comprehend the amount of pain that I am dealing with. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be depressed and have constant thoughts of suicide for 7 years straight. No one understands what I am going through in my life, and it hurts when they tell me to “just get over it”. If I could get over it I would, but unfortunately I can’t. I can’t wait to die. I just hope that I don’t screw up this time………..10 days and counting……I don’t know if I can make it 10 more days, I am ready to depart this world now…..
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I remember you have tried medication, but not therapy, is there anywhere you can find that kind of help, if you’re desperate then there must be somewhere you can go, some place you can phone. If you have to wait 10 days then try and use the time to find that help, talking through your problems with the right person should help, someone who understands. I know it’s dreadful to hear that “just get over it” advise, as if we can flick a switch and go into a different mode. After 7 years it must seem never-ending, I really hope you can get the help you need.
Thank you for your kind words. Everyone that I have tried to talk to makes me feel guilty for my thoughts because apparently my life is “easy”. This only increases my feelings of being worthless, wrong, and hopeless. I have called a hotline before, and they were not helpful, and just made me feel worthless. I cannot afford to go to therapy. At this point I am out of options, and I give up.
I know you want to give up, I can feel you are at the end, but people who seem to have good lives: money, friends, good job, they can be depressed/suicidal, it can happen to anyone. You’ve mentioned hanging before, I’ve considered that, still do, but I know how painful it can be for short drop, and difficult for partial suspension; do you think you can try it again. I call myself worthless, but I shouldn’t, I don’t think anyone should be considered worthless, but after 7 years I can see why you believe it. I wish I could find better words for you, I’m sorry you’ve reached such a level with no support for you.
I appreciate your kind words, and I thank you for your reply. Hanging was painful, but I do think that if I had too I would try again. However, this time I am not planning to exit via hanging, I am trying another method that I have tried in the past. I wish I had another option, but there is no other option except for death in my current situation.
Anyone who knows about depression will know you can’t just get over it, it’s a long, drawn out process, but it starts by knowing someone is on your side, someone is there for you; you just haven’t found that one person. I assume you feel any pain in suicide is less than the pain of living your present life, but you’ve failed before, I can’t say anything to help, it seems such a waste for you to go. You’ve been using SP a while, with a break, does posting help you to come to terms with suicide, it’s unfair you’ve suffered these last 7 years, seemingly with counselling.
I usually post when my emotions and thoughts are overwhelming me, and I need some avenue to vent. SP helps me sort out everything that is overwhelming me in my mind, and the things that are motivating me to end my life. The break was when I tried to sort my life out, but it didn’t work, and then I was back to square one. I don’t think that I will ever find that person, no one can change my opinion of myself. I hate everything about myself, I am a monster, I ruin people’s lives, and therefore I need to die so that I am no longer a burden.
That’s such a strong word, Monster, I can’t even begin to say how powerful it is to me, it shows such hatred for yourself, such dislike, it shows why you’re suicidal. A burden to people, is that your opinion or have they told you that you are a burden, that you’re ruining lives. You’re suffering depression so that doesn’t help you assess the situation, it’s something I’ve felt myself through depression, that people are better off without me, they’re not. You should continue to use SP, it won’t stop the depression, but it may be the difference between being suicidal and carrying it out. The self loathing needs to be tackled somehow, you need to see yourself in a better light, I know, I have no idea of the depths you’re in, I just want to help someone who’s in the pit of despair.
Thank you for everything, I really appreciate it. I hope that your suffering ends soon, you are kind and do not deserve to suffer. I do hate myself, and that hatred controls my every action. I have not been told in words that I am a burden, but I can see that I am in people’s eyes, and through their actions. I have ruined so many lives, and maybe if I die I can correct my mistakes. I can’t think of any way to change my thinking, all I know is that I have a strong desire to die. Everything is too much, and I can’t deal with it anymore. I am a failure.
I just need to say that I doubt you’re worthless or anything else, but the only way I can see of you overcoming how you feel about yourself is through therapy. When you can sit and talk through your problems, from the beginning to now, how and why you feel like you do, with someone who understands, who cares, that’s when the problems become less. I care about you, I don’t want you to die, I hope you can find a way to get counselling somehow, if there’s anyway of getting it free, please find out in the next few days, and stay on SP.
And just to add, I know how it feels to be depressed, paranoid, feeling worthless, I’m struggling to overcome them, although I’m yet to go down the medication route, may have to. I know from your attempts at suicide that you have it much worse than me, for that I’m sorry, depression is so debilitating, it drags you down without reason, and, without support, to the point of wanting to end it, try to get that support leftforthedead, look around to see if there’s anything for free, I so hope you find it, ni.
About therapy: can’t you get some kind of free treatment? I don’t know how it is where you live, but even here in Brazil you can get free treatment and those centers are actually very good. Of course it has high demand, but I’m pretty sure your case would be prioritized…
I wish you well, from my heart. You are not a burden.
Thank you for the advice, and for your well wishes. Unfortunately, where I live there is no free treatment, therapy is seen as a business here, and I cannot afford a therapist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7bF9D3XSX4
I’m not sure this video will be of much help, but I don’t see any reason not to show it to you.
How are you today?
Thanks for the video, it helped me put things into perspective. I still feel the same though, I just don’t see the point anymore in trying.
Well, if I can do anything or if you just want to talk, I can help with that. Anyway, take care
LeftForTheDead,
I’m not sure how much I can add to the other posters who have attempted to help, but I agree with Nias in that I doubt you are worthless or a burden, and especially not a monster – although I do understand that terrible times in our lives can skew our thinking and cause us to feel these things.
I’m honestly not sure what else to say except that I hope something happens between now and the 25th to make you feel your life is worth living or at least plant some doubt about suicide. Please know that are welcome to email anytime if you wish: L4Y@cogeco.ca.
L4Y