Today, one of my housemates did something kind out of the blue. It wasn’t even that big, but her kindness makes me want to hurt myself. She bought me a drink from a pearl milk tea place a few blocks away and gave it to me when she got back to our apartment. It was such a small gesture of kindness and she was so casual about it. I thanked her and she went off to do her laundry, but as I sat there looking at the drink, it began to process in my head that this is the exact drink combination that I always […]
So I told my house mate that I wasthinking about moving somewhere closer to campus and she was really angry. She said that I should have told her earlier. Her exact words was that I should have told her months ago because we should always share everything that we’re thinking. But I hadn’t even thought about considering moving anywhere months ago! We live really far from campus and it takes at least 20 min to bike there. I always have night classes and I’ve been having really early morning classes too where I have to start biking by 7am to get to campus on time. […]
When I’m with my friends or around people in general, they ignore me unless I’m actively vying for their attention. When I’m with my friends I can sit there in silence and it’s like I’m invisible to them. Is it my own fault? Am I that boring that no one wants to talk to me unless I make the effort to talk to them first? The effort it takes to act happy and bubbly and fun around them is exhausting. It’s exhausting to have friends. But if I don’t have friends, if I don’t have these people, what will I have? I would be completely […]
I feel like everyone else is so put together and I’m the only one who is struggling. I keep telling myself if I get one more bad grade I’ll kill myself. But I just keep pushing it off and saying next time. I feel like such a coward.
I feel like I’m clinging to a thin piece of rope that’s fraying and threatening to snap. I want someone to hold me and tell me that it’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to come completely unglued and not be in control all of the time. That it’s okay. That I don’t have to be “on” all of the time. I feel like 90% of the time I’m with other people, I’m acting or doing something or saying something that because that’s what they expect or want. I don’t want to have to be this other person around people, but at the same time […]
I feel like my life has no direction and that I’m going to amount to nothing. No one in my life knows how unhappy I am. They don’t know that I cut. They don’t know that I think about stepping off the curb when we’re waiting for the light to change. They don’t know that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
They already have all these plans. Doctor, environmentalist, musician, journalist. I don’t know what I want, and it terrifies me that time is passing so quickly.