Today, one of my housemates did something kind out of the blue. It wasn’t even that big, but her kindness makes me want to hurt myself. She bought me a drink from a pearl milk tea place a few blocks away and gave it to me when she got back to our apartment. It was such a small gesture of kindness and she was so casual about it. I thanked her and she went off to do her laundry, but as I sat there looking at the drink, it began to process in my head that this is the exact drink combination that I always order. I don’t understand why this is bothering me so much. This feeling makes me want to throw up. Even though she is my friend and we live together, it feels strange to me that someone would remember such an insignificant detail about me and give kindness so freely.
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I was just wondering if maybe every time you trusted people or got close – it ended up being a case of them using or betraying you.
That is something worth thinking about.
Well growing up, my mom always reminded me not to trust people and I remember her saying things like “they won’t be there when you need them.” My parents are separated and I think that’s where my mom gets her idea from. The same way with kindness, it’s always been difficult for me to accept compliments because I never know what to do with them. I either thank the person awkwardly if I don’t know them very well and if the person is a close friend, it’s easier for me to act flippant or self-absorbed about it than to be genuinely thankful.
What would happen if you were genuinely thankful and held no further expectations outside of that moment of grace?
You don’t have to wear your mom’s cloud.
I can’t help but over think and overanalyze things. Like when my friend gave me the drink I was started drinking it and resumed what I was doing before and I was fine, but then after a few moments, the sick feeling started.