lonewolf23

I don’t know how to feel about this.

I don’t wanna go see him once he’s born.

I’m so estranged from my older brother.

I’m so estranged from all my immediate family members and relatives

They’ll all say I did this to myself and they’re right but that doesn’t help. It just makes me want to get further away from them.

I love them but I don’t wanna show them for some reason.

I haven’t gone to funerals, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, weddings in years.

The only way I can cope with these events […]

I’ll be moving out soon.

My father may be somewhat stable now but it’s only a matter of time before he has another one of his episodes.

This is what he does. He’s mild most days of the week but he’ll eventually rage again about something. And I refuse to be “the cause” behind his next anger outburst.

No, I’m not some brat, I learned pretty early on as a kid to help with chores and keep the house clean, especially with his temper.

But it doesn’t matter. The crazy look in his eyes will eventually resurface.

A few months back I had attempted to escape […]

I remember all the terrible things my father did when I was a kid.

I remember how he used to cuss me and my siblings out.

I remember how we used to get beat.

I remember how my oldest brother and my mom got it the worst.

I remember how much fear me and my brothers had when we’d hear the garage door open, we’d all hurry up to our bedrooms.

I remember how he threw me across my room once

I remember how much he’d tell me that I embarrassed him after a football game and he’d imitate me in a ridiculous manner while explaining to […]

I guess I still am.

I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought it was okay and maybe it is but I just feel so alone because of my rebellious ways.

I was supposed to play by the rules. I saw others play by the rules and they were rewarded for it.

But I never felt eligible for the game. I don’t think people truly know until they know. It’s like watching an episode of ‘60 Days In’ versus actually doing time in jail. You don’t really know until you know.

Its weird when some young people think I’ve somehow been through less or that […]

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

I found myself and it feels so good to be human again. I’m not afraid to feel anymore.

I didn’t want to confront the pain all these years.

I found truth and love in my own personal hell. I didn’t think I was worthy of it but complete strangers saved me when I was at my lowest point in life.

I remember all their kind deeds. Some might claim their actions weren’t all that helpful but to me, those actions and their words meant everything to me.

And now I’m here at my new job after having lost over 36 of them. I find that I’m not afraid to […]

I hate to put the blame all on someone else but my youth was a complete disaster thanks to that guy. It only dominoed into my early adulthood.

When I think of my father, I think of an angry man who would do nothing but yell, scream, and physically hurt me, my brothers and my mom. I just remember him cussing us out, kicking us, telling me how much I embarrass him because I wasn’t impressing anyone on the football field or the track. I remember how much of a Karen he was whenever we were out in public. He’d be that guy complaining over nothing […]

I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day […]

I’m so happy right now. It may not seem like much but to be able to understand what I’m studying means a lot to me. I used to think I was too dumb to learn things like Chemistry but I’m slowly making progress everyday. When I first started, I couldn’t understand how to read the periodic table of elements, now I know all kinds of things. Avogadro’s number 6.022 x 10^23, electron configuration, electromagnetic waves, photosynthesis, how to convert moles of an element into grams of that element and vice versa, etc. On a surface level this doesn’t seem like much but for me it […]

I just had a bad dream where my dad was arguing with me and my 2 other brothers in the car. I can’t remember what he was yelling at us about but he started driving aggressively. To be honest, nothing was out of the ordinary in the dream as all of this was happening, that’s how my dad is in real life too. Anyway, we eventually reached one of those loops that are raised high, in the dream it was extra high, like a good 300 feet. As he’s yelling at us, he starts driving off the road and we’re suddenly in free-fall. The car […]

I feel scared to do so. These guys helped me out a bunch. They accepted me with all my flaws. There was nowhere to hide at rock bottom.They saw the real me and to my surprise, they accepted me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I had friends.

I don’t know, maybe they’re not really friends but more like allies. Are those 2 the same?

Before I left, I got all their contact info and they told me to email them, text them, or call them once I got out.

I still have […]

I’ve been sober for 73 days. Lately I’ve been getting nightmares where someone I love is shaking their head in disapproval of my relapse. During the dreams I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. When I wake up, I feel my heart rate beating really fast. Sometimes the dreams feel so real that I have to double check that I really didn’t relapse before getting out of bed.

I don’t know why but I get this mentality that if I were to relapse then I’d be a failure. I feel like I’d be hopeless if I did relapse. I feel like […]

If I don’t quit drinking, I’m gonna die. I’m only 27 years old and I can already feel this poison destroying my insides. I drink everyday to suppress my emotions. But even if it wasn’t the emotions I was running away from, at this point I get what’s called Delirium Tremens. This condition occurs when you’ve been drinking as heavily as I have and then decide to stop drinking cold turkey. I’ve tried quitting like this a handful of times. Every time I did I’d start shaking like crazy and sweating excessively. But that’s not even the worse part about coming off alcohol. Like I […]

It sucks, the connection was trivial (I think) but I remember I saw some dude nearly get ran over by a driver at a grocery store parking lot. I remember saying something just audible enough so that the dude was able to hear me. I think I said something like: “man, that guy drives like a douchebag”. Apparently he appreciated my comment or something. Can’t remember all the details because I was drunk but I remember we both had nothing going on that day and we connected. We seemed to have the same sense of humor and interests. It almost felt like I was talking […]

I’ve really let myself fall back into drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as hard as I have in recent months.

I’ve been sober for 3 days now but I’ve got bad social anxiety and I’m tempted to drink again but I think if I do that, I might end up in the Emergency Room soon if not dead in bed.

A few nights ago I couldn’t get out of bed the whole day because I was sweating and shaking really badly. I kept hearing screaming every time I would try to fall back asleep so my sleep wasn’t really sleep.

Moving kind of hurts my liver. […]

Why is it so hard to stop believing something negative about myself and this world if I constantly get evidence that it isn’t true? Why can’t my stupid brain just understand what I want it to believe and what I don’t want it to believe. I’m debating on drinking again because I can feel the fear in my body. Even though I understand my beliefs are unwarranted, my body still behaves the way someone in fear does.

Sometimes I wish I was just a robot, maybe then I could turn off certain emotions like an on/off switch. I really hate being human. Sometimes I wish I […]

I got pretty banged up yesterday when it started raining. I was drunk and it started raining last night in the desert. I was hanging out right outside my suburban neighborhood. One moment I’m sitting by cacti and watching the sun go down and then a few hours pass and it’s raining. I found myself in a dumpster looking for something to eat. (I’m broke)

Things are kinda cloudy but all I can remember is that I kept falling off my electric scooter. I remember how much it hurt and how embarrassed I felt falling in front of drivers. Then some lady rolled down her car […]

Yesterday I walked out of my suburban neighborhood and into the desert. I found a hidden area with tall cacti and bushes to keep me hidden as I drank myself into a mess. I wanna change. I want to be normal. I want to stop being afraid of people. I want to learn how to trust humans but I’m so afraid of them.

I can’t even talk to my own family members without feeling socially anxious anymore. It’s bizarre how that happened. I used to be so close to my 5 siblings and parents. Now I’ve changed so much. I’ve changed in some good ways but […]