lonewolf23

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

I found myself and it feels so good to be human again. I’m not afraid to feel anymore.

I didn’t want to confront the pain all these years.

I found truth and love in my own personal hell. I didn’t think I was worthy of it but complete strangers saved me when I was at my lowest point in life.

I remember all their kind deeds. Some might claim their actions weren’t all that helpful but to me, those actions and their words meant everything to me.

And now I’m here at my new job after having lost over 36 of them. I find that I’m not afraid to […]

I hate to put the blame all on someone else but my youth was a complete disaster thanks to that guy. It only dominoed into my early adulthood.

When I think of my father, I think of an angry man who would do nothing but yell, scream, and physically hurt me, my brothers and my mom. I just remember him cussing us out, kicking us, telling me how much I embarrass him because I wasn’t impressing anyone on the football field or the track. I remember how much of a Karen he was whenever we were out in public. He’d be that guy complaining over nothing […]

I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day […]

I’m so happy right now. It may not seem like much but to be able to understand what I’m studying means a lot to me. I used to think I was too dumb to learn things like Chemistry but I’m slowly making progress everyday. When I first started, I couldn’t understand how to read the periodic table of elements, now I know all kinds of things. Avogadro’s number 6.022 x 10^23, electron configuration, electromagnetic waves, photosynthesis, how to convert moles of an element into grams of that element and vice versa, etc. On a surface level this doesn’t seem like much but for me it […]

I just had a bad dream where my dad was arguing with me and my 2 other brothers in the car. I can’t remember what he was yelling at us about but he started driving aggressively. To be honest, nothing was out of the ordinary in the dream as all of this was happening, that’s how my dad is in real life too. Anyway, we eventually reached one of those loops that are raised high, in the dream it was extra high, like a good 300 feet. As he’s yelling at us, he starts driving off the road and we’re suddenly in free-fall. The car […]

I feel scared to do so. These guys helped me out a bunch. They accepted me with all my flaws. There was nowhere to hide at rock bottom.They saw the real me and to my surprise, they accepted me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I had friends.

I don’t know, maybe they’re not really friends but more like allies. Are those 2 the same?

Before I left, I got all their contact info and they told me to email them, text them, or call them once I got out.

I still have […]

I’ve been sober for 73 days. Lately I’ve been getting nightmares where someone I love is shaking their head in disapproval of my relapse. During the dreams I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. When I wake up, I feel my heart rate beating really fast. Sometimes the dreams feel so real that I have to double check that I really didn’t relapse before getting out of bed.

I don’t know why but I get this mentality that if I were to relapse then I’d be a failure. I feel like I’d be hopeless if I did relapse. I feel like […]

If I don’t quit drinking, I’m gonna die. I’m only 27 years old and I can already feel this poison destroying my insides. I drink everyday to suppress my emotions. But even if it wasn’t the emotions I was running away from, at this point I get what’s called Delirium Tremens. This condition occurs when you’ve been drinking as heavily as I have and then decide to stop drinking cold turkey. I’ve tried quitting like this a handful of times. Every time I did I’d start shaking like crazy and sweating excessively. But that’s not even the worse part about coming off alcohol. Like I […]

It sucks, the connection was trivial (I think) but I remember I saw some dude nearly get ran over by a driver at a grocery store parking lot. I remember saying something just audible enough so that the dude was able to hear me. I think I said something like: “man, that guy drives like a douchebag”. Apparently he appreciated my comment or something. Can’t remember all the details because I was drunk but I remember we both had nothing going on that day and we connected. We seemed to have the same sense of humor and interests. It almost felt like I was talking […]

I’ve really let myself fall back into drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as hard as I have in recent months.

I’ve been sober for 3 days now but I’ve got bad social anxiety and I’m tempted to drink again but I think if I do that, I might end up in the Emergency Room soon if not dead in bed.

A few nights ago I couldn’t get out of bed the whole day because I was sweating and shaking really badly. I kept hearing screaming every time I would try to fall back asleep so my sleep wasn’t really sleep.

Moving kind of hurts my liver. […]

Why is it so hard to stop believing something negative about myself and this world if I constantly get evidence that it isn’t true? Why can’t my stupid brain just understand what I want it to believe and what I don’t want it to believe. I’m debating on drinking again because I can feel the fear in my body. Even though I understand my beliefs are unwarranted, my body still behaves the way someone in fear does.

Sometimes I wish I was just a robot, maybe then I could turn off certain emotions like an on/off switch. I really hate being human. Sometimes I wish I […]

I got pretty banged up yesterday when it started raining. I was drunk and it started raining last night in the desert. I was hanging out right outside my suburban neighborhood. One moment I’m sitting by cacti and watching the sun go down and then a few hours pass and it’s raining. I found myself in a dumpster looking for something to eat. (I’m broke)

Things are kinda cloudy but all I can remember is that I kept falling off my electric scooter. I remember how much it hurt and how embarrassed I felt falling in front of drivers. Then some lady rolled down her car […]

Yesterday I walked out of my suburban neighborhood and into the desert. I found a hidden area with tall cacti and bushes to keep me hidden as I drank myself into a mess. I wanna change. I want to be normal. I want to stop being afraid of people. I want to learn how to trust humans but I’m so afraid of them.

I can’t even talk to my own family members without feeling socially anxious anymore. It’s bizarre how that happened. I used to be so close to my 5 siblings and parents. Now I’ve changed so much. I’ve changed in some good ways but […]

Every time I create a connection with someone, whether that be a potential new friend or romantic partner, something goes wrong and I lose their contact info. So many phone numbers on pieces of paper have been misplaced and lost. So many phones have been broken and lost seemingly as a result of making a friend.

This has happened over 20 times now.

Prior to this I had a hard time making connections because in grade school, my father used to move a lot so I’d often switch schools every 1-2 years. It’s like companionship is forbidden for me or something. It’s so frustrating because many of […]

I’ve neglected this part of myself for too long. I can’t keep pretending like I don’t care about anything. I don’t know why I’ve been this way for as long as I have but my human soul is banging at the doors of this locked heart. I won’t let this go on any longer. I am human and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel pain and to feel joy. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be human…

Life just hurts right now. I’m not even sure why. One thing I know for sure is that being outside and looking at trees and the sky has helped.

I feel so alone. I have no one I can talk to and I pretend like everything is okay but it’s not and I hate admitting this. But the worst part about all of this is that every time I make a new friend or find someone who could’ve been more, I always end up losing their contact info. This has happened 9 times over the past 8 years. I either lose the piece of paper they write their number/email on or I lose or break my phone. These are people that I just clicked with so perfectly. It feels like a curse. No matter […]