If I don’t quit drinking, I’m gonna die. I’m only 27 years old and I can already feel this poison destroying my insides. I drink everyday to suppress my emotions. But even if it wasn’t the emotions I was running away from, at this point I get what’s called Delirium Tremens. This condition occurs when you’ve been drinking as heavily as I have and then decide to stop drinking cold turkey. I’ve tried quitting like this a handful of times. Every time I did I’d start shaking like crazy and sweating excessively. But that’s not even the worse part about coming off alcohol. Like I said, it’s the Delirium Tremens that causes me to hear screaming. It always sounds like someone is getting tortured to death. It goes on for a good handful of hours before it subsides. The first time I experienced this, I asked my brothers if they heard someone screaming, when they told me they didn’t I knew then that my brain was playing tricks on me.
Anyway, the only way to avoid Delirium Tremens is to slowly stop drinking. I have to ease my way into sobriety but it’s easier said than done when 9 drinks turns into 10 then 11 then 12 and then so on and so forth until I’m passed out somewhere on the street or in my bedroom if I’m lucky.
From the moment I wake up, I can barely move unless I get a couple of shots down. It’s why I keep a bottle next to my bed so that when I wake up I can manage to reach for it. I can barely move around as of right now that I’m typing this. Only reason I’m typing anything is because I took 3 swigs from a bottle.
Yesterday, when I was at work I could feel my liver aching like it had been punched a dozen times. This pain was accompanied by a shortness of breath. Honestly, I have no idea how I didn’t faint. Somehow I managed to finish my 8 hour shift without doing just that.
It’s weird but death doesn’t even scare me anymore. The thing that sucks the most about death would have to be the physical discomfort but I’m okay with the idea of not existing anymore.
To not feel worldly pain anymore sounds beautiful, actually I’ve somewhat experienced this in the past when I’ve fainted a couple of times. Every time I woke up, I saw a flash like someone the rest button on the Super Nintendo. After this flash, it would feel like I was lost in nothingness, everything was darker than pitch black. It’s hard to explain but I slowly started getting my senses back, first it was my hearing, then it felt like everything was getting really HOT, then I could see again, after that I had to sit on the ground for a bit before I could move any of my limbs again. Someone had placed me up against the wall but it felt kinda nice not being able to feel my body for a bit.
When I had awoke and when I was finally able to move around and feel again, a part of me felt sad because what I had just experienced was so restful, it felt like I awoke from my deepest slumber. It sounds weird but it felt like I had been asleep for years somehow even though I was only out for a handful of seconds.
If I could faint on demand, I’d do it everyday. If I could faint for good, I’d do it but you won’t catch me jumping off a bridge or hanging myself because that seems too physically painful.
My death drive doesn’t even worry me. I truly see death as resting in peace as they say. The end of all pain and suffering.
1 comment
so how much do you drink every day?
when did you start to drink so heavy?
sorry you’re going thru shit. hope u can wean urself off, or at least taper down somewhat. it’s ok to try and fail somewhat, as long as you’re trying and what you’re consuming is LESS than what you normally do. still progress.