Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m 17 now, not 13 and silly. When I think back what I was dealing with then seems so little, so insignificant. It’s funny how age and experience changes your view. I know, I know a 4 year age difference is not at all that big. But I feel like I’ve changed a lot and a lot has happened. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m heavily depressed and I know it, I’m not in denial or anything but I really […]
Today i talked with my mom. I found out that as you get older you learn to mask your emotions so no one is allowed to see you cry. But honestly? Some times i wish that someone could see throgh my mask and see that i am constantly crying and my throught burns from it all. My friends say that thet know me best but i hang out with then seperatly so they only see me as that person i am when i hang out with them. Funny how my “best friend” says she knows me best, then she  talks about me behind my back […]
I am mute, i just cut, and i feel like dyeing, why? Because my mom finally broke me. All i have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and care like other moms do, but i never get her love, when she was down and sad wjo helped her? ME WHEN I WAS ONLY 5, I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHY SHE WAS CRYING AT THAT AGE BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO HELD HER TILL SHE FELL ASLEEP, ME! I WAS THE ONE WHO CARED WHEN MY DAD WENT! AND KMOW SHE TREATS ME LIKE IM TRASH!!! WHAT DID I DO!!! IM ONLY […]
right now as i write this im crying tears, and i dont know why. I want to tell my mom that i cut and that i am slowly falling apart, but if i do how will i be the strong perfect big sister and daughter that everyone thinks i am? I love my sisters with all of my heart, but.im going to break soon, and i dont want them to see it. I also dont want to call someone or some organization, because i know that i will probabaly just get put on hold. But i guess thats life? That brings me to a new […]
I just watched a movie someon told me about… It`s called The Suicide Room. It isn`t in english but it is a good movie.
I have a project in Health. We have to explain to the class and teacj them about our “Positive Coping Skill”. It`s funny becuse the first thing that popped into my mind was me walking up in front of the class and saying in a teacherly voice “Hello Class! Today we will leaarn how to cut our selves!!!” All happy and fake.
I was reading some things, and they made sense. There was one were these people were living in a man vs. […]
I just cut again the other day. It was 2 on my my palm. It`s funny because i told my friends Kiana and Reina, and they became angry and slapped my arm. They hadn`t cut yet since the butterflies and i did so they were mad at me. The reason i say it`s funny is because while they were mad at me the only thing i could do was laugh and tell them that i learned something new. When they asked what i giggled softly and tolf them that scissors suck……… and that`s all i could think about. I don`t even remember what i had […]
SO, yesterday i went to school, i am in 7th grade so i am in middle school. At school me and my two friends Reina and Kiana tried the butterfly project, so i have 4 butterflys on my thigh and palm. ANyways after we did that and went to lunch, this big “popular” 8th grader sits on the table me and my friends were sitting at with his friends. And starts making fun of cutters. Me and my friends wouldn`tt stand for it so we told him off about how disrespectful and hateful that is, then we told how nobody really likes him, cuz it`s […]
Emotions swirling
Happiness, anger, sadness
Which do i feel?
I feel fake
Unloved, unwanted
I am weak
Just a side character
I seek to be noticed
and held
But no one can see me
Amd i transparent? Invisible?
Doesn`t anybody care?
I cry silent tears
and everything i say falls on deaf ears
I am a souless doll
I have no free will
A doll`s emotions are painted on
Artificial
No one knows what the doll wanted
For the doll doesn`t speak for itself
I have to be a Fake person
to be seen
I have to be perfect
not me
I have to live up to
Expectations
not my limits
Everyday my will and emotions leak
From a cut in my being
A cut so deep that not even stitches
Could keep infection out
I […]