i went to the bar last night. i was having fun but i got to the point of no return. i was blackout drunk and i dont remember anything from midnight on. i woke up naked with a man i’ve never met before, covered in hickies and bite marks and sore down ‘there’ as well. i know the sex was good because i like it rough like that, but i don’t feel good about how it happened. it feels like was taken advantage of and used. was it rape? how do i know?
I am constantly told what I should be, what I should do, who I ‘am’. What is expected of me. and I am NONE of those things. I am not actively suicidal, I am just hoping that life kills me. I am not motivated. I am not looking to improve my life.
I am not actively trying to die. I have just stopped trying to live……
I’m a compulsive liar. I lie about silly things like what food I had for lunch or telling stories with friends. I also lie about real things like whether or not I cut or that I lost my job or that I’m not an alcoholic.
Here is the truth:
I am a failure. I dropped out of school because I have no drive and hated who I was at school, but blamed it on my depression. I lost my job because I didn’t want to show up, so I didnt, I then lied about why I lost my job. I was supposed to pay my friend, and didn’t, and then lied and said I did.
I don’t know how to STOP LYING.
I’m a college junior now….whoopee. I am failing out of school, crazy amount of money in debt, without a job, and have moved back in with my mother.
I’m failing because of my depression. I couldn’t get out of bed for almost a month and there’s no recovery from that. But after that month I was still so lethargic that I didn’t go to classes, because why the fuck should I?
That same attitude led me to getting fired from my last 3 jobs. I hate myself for setting myself for failure, but FUCK IT. I’m already failing everything
The only positive is that I’ve been a better friend than ever to the 3 people who don’t want to see me dead. I’m considering dropping out of school, but I don’t know what I’d do if I did that. I want to finish school, but fuck me if thats actually gonna happen at this point.
I’m screwed either way. Any advice?
Its midnight. I’m sitting in the corner, wrapped in a blanket, trying not to cry my eyes out over nothing. Just because everyone else I know is happy, healthy, and in love is not a reason to cut. Just because I’m the only one who is fucked up isn’t a reason either. I love my family, I sometimes love my friends, but right now I don’t love me. And right now, I don’t think I’ll ever love myself. I’m worthless. Everyone else can figure their lives out, and I can’t. I will be forever in this frozen hell of self loathing
I sit here on my own. Just waiting for someone to realize that I am an island. I wish someone would be brave enough to row out to sea, just to stumble upon me. But instead I sit here, alone and deserted. Minutes, days, months pass without human contact. Just me and my thoughts, swirling around like a hurricane. They batter my mind like wind against a wall, they tear me up by the roots and toss me around like I’m nothing. I guess I am nothing. If an island is never discovered, did it ever exist? I kind of doubt it.
But I will sit here silently waiting for some brave soul to find me. And I pray it’s before I drown and drift back into the sea.
back again. and again. and again. why won’t it stop?? i wish it would stop coming back. that feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. the utter lack of happiness. it never leaves, just goes to sleep for awhile. almost 3 years now. but now its back and im scared and alone and i cant get out of this hole. i dont want to be here anymore. please just make it stop. i want out. but i’m trapped in this fucking circle and i cant get away from it. sadness. depression. anger. death. the only things i can count on to never leave
Laying here, covered in sweat and tears
Bodies still heaving
Complete yet broken to pieces.
So close to another, but eons apart.
Wanting to be held,
But the pain is too much
Staying here, covered in blood
Falling to pieces, but finally whole
All alone, but one with the universe
Wanting to be held,
but the pain is enough
Why after all of these years must these thoughts return?
The dark urges screaming for pain,
Begging for the split skin and spilt blood.
Purifying my soul.
Why after all of these years have they returned?
The voices screaming silently in my head,
Screeching their displeasure at my joy.
Burying my pain.
Why after all of these years must they be heard?
The drip, drip of blood spilling on tile,
The scent of it rising in the air,
To cleanse my mind.
I thought I was getting better. Â But I’m not. Â I sit in my room and contemplate life, mostly the ending. Â I know that I can’t just end it, but at the same time, I want to. Â It’s like the first time you cut. Â You just kind of want to know what it feels like. Â You don’t want to do it, but you want to see if it will help ease the ache, get rid of the pain. Â I want to know if death will do that. Â But at the same time I’m too scared to try.
Is that normal? Â Well obviously not if I’m on this site, but is it normal to be scared of something you want??
For a single moment
I want to feel like the universe isnâ€™t about to crush me
And my heart isnâ€™t about to explode
I would kiss you
And tell you I love you
And say to you
Please donâ€™t go
For a single night
I want to feel your arms around me
Holding me close
I would watch you sleep
And whisper I love you
Let you go
For a single day
I want to feel like the sun is shining on me
And we are together
I would hug you
And tell you I need you
And ask you
To never go
For a single moment
I want to forget the past few days
Remember the past month
When we were never apart
I would fall to my knees
And beg you
Please come back.
New school=New start, right?? WRONG. Â I started the year with a few great friends. Â We were going to be inseparable. Â and then these journal entries start again…..
I am an epic failure at life.Â Â I have no friends, no one to talk to and who will be there for all the scary parts of school.Â I have no guys who actually like me.Â I have no one and nothing.Â I am failing some of my classes.Â Â I have no relationship with my dad or my sister. My mom canâ€™t know half of what I do.Â I really just need to focus on school and getting to where I want to be.Â Â But I also want people around me, who care about me, and will help me, and let me help them, and will be there through the good times as well as the bad.Â Â Is that too much to ask?Â I just want to feel like I actually belong here.Â That people value my opinion.Â That people actually care about me.Â I just want love.Â In everyway.Â Why is that so hard?
I guess Iâ€™m just pathetic.Â I have no one and evidently drive people away.Â Why wonâ€™t people love me?Â What do I do wrong??Â Besides when I make mistakes?Â Am I just a total mistake?Â A screwup?Â Why wonâ€™t people stay???Â Iâ€™m always on my own.Â I donâ€™t want to be forever alone.Â I want to have someone to share life with.
So here I sit considering killing myself again. Â Even with the “New Start” Â I got with my New School.
I am tired of waking up everyday and not having anyone there to care about me. None of my “friends” care, my family doesn’t care, I don’t even think my dog cares. I get up, cry, go to school, avoid people, cry, go home, cry, and fall asleep crying. I am all alone. No one cares that I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past year. No one cares that I have scars running up and down my arm. No one even notices the fresh, bleeding cuts on my arm. I just want to die, but am too chickenshit to do it. I just wish someone would at least pretend to care about my problems, for even a minute. Just pretending and I would be happy.