Author

LostandLonelySoul

It Gets Better

by LostandLonelySoul 9/2/2019

written by LostandLonelySoul

I was reminiscing today about many things and I decided to take a trip down memory lane and somehow wound up on here again. As I was reading through my old posts, it hit me: all those times when the people I love told me it would get better were times when they knew better than I that it would, in fact, get better.

3 years ago I broke up with the person I thought at the time was the love of my life. It took a while to fully get over the pain, but the struggle revealed ways that I could work on myself that […]

9/2/2019 2 comments

:'( </3

by LostandLonelySoul 4/30/2017

written by LostandLonelySoul

I did everything in my power to make you comfortable. To help you feel safe. To help you do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. And now that I am drained, that I have nothing left to give, you refuse to help me. I get it. Thank you for letting me believe that trusting someone, loving someone, was worth it. But it wasn’t worth it. It never was. I wish I would’ve seen this sooner.

4/30/2017 0 comment

Please

by LostandLonelySoul 2/24/2017

written by LostandLonelySoul

Some of you may know of the user named Kalmahavak. We met here on SP. We dated for two years. On Saturday, we has an argument and he called me some nasty names and I don’t know how to stop feeling how I feel right now. I’ve been in this tailspin ever since. My depression has been back for a while, but I honestly am in a place so dark right now that I want to end my life. It’s clear he never loved me and he has never respected me. I’ve attempted suicide five times since my birthday last June. He didn’t even remember […]

2/24/2017 2 comments

What Kind of Title Will Accurately Describe This Feeling I Have in the Pit of My Stomach?

by LostandLonelySoul 11/22/2016

written by LostandLonelySoul

There are literally no words to describe this god awful feeling I have in the pit of my stomach right now. It’s the kind of feeling that you don’t really know how to describe. Do I want to punch somebody in the face? Do I want to punch myself in the face? Do I want to cry? Do I want to go out on an “angry run”? Do I honestly just want to sit here for hours and stare at the wall and do nothing? Do I want to do anything productive? Who the hell knows. All I know is, I hate feeling like this.

I […]

11/22/2016 2 comments

by LostandLonelySoul 3/31/2016

written by LostandLonelySoul

I’m stuck in this place between knowing that society thinks I need help and knowing that nobody could possibly help me at this point. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing this gets better and hating my life so much that I want to die and end the pain. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing that someone, somewhere, cares about me, and the realization that nobody around me loves me anymore. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I want to end my miserable existence, but I’ve failed 27 different suicide attempts and obviously, that won’t work anymore. The man […]

3/31/2016 1 comment

…………….

by LostandLonelySoul 3/19/2016

written by LostandLonelySoul

I literally have nothing left to live for. My last hope for my future is gone now. My clock is ticking down to the last seconds. I want this pain to just leave me alone, just for a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain… If there was ever a shot at happiness for me, it’s long gone now. It’s gone, just like my dreams.

3/19/2016 2 comments

Update

by LostandLonelySoul 3/1/2016

written by LostandLonelySoul

My ex-fiance broke my heart. Yep. He broke off our engagement and continues to beat me emotionally until I’m numb. I want to die. I want someone to take this pain away from me. But nobody ever does. So I think I’ll end my pain. I think I’m going to die today. Don’t tell me life’s worth the fight. My whole life has been one painful experience after another. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been crying out for help for years. I thought he was going to help me. He broke me in ways I never thought were possible. I will probably never be […]

3/1/2016 7 comments

Outcast

by LostandLonelySoul 11/21/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

And in the end, there is nothing, nothing more than the silent, empty, cold reality of death. No more tears, no more pain, no more suffering… Just the empty reality of a pain-filled existence now come to pass. Laid to rest in the cold, hard ground in the middle of winter, while the only ones who cared about you try to tell others how much they cared about you, but you know the truth: it was a lonely existence with half-hearted lovers who want to leave but don’t want to disappoint, backstabbing people who called themselves your best friends, and depression so strong that days […]

11/21/2015 3 comments

Why?

by LostandLonelySoul 8/7/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

Someone please tell me why after all I’ve been through, after all the measures I’ve taken to make sure I never wound up back there again, why am I back there again? Why am I losing everything that has ever mattered to me in a matter of less than two weeks? Why does it seem he doesn’t love me anymore, even though two weeks ago, we got engaged? Why do I feel as if nobody cares for me anymore? Why am I slipping back into the place of just wanting to die and end my life, and nobody would care anyway? I know it’s a […]

8/7/2015 1 comment

My Andyrew

by LostandLonelySoul 5/7/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

I’m sorry, my baby…. I’m sorry that I feel this way. That I feel like you don’t love me anymore. I’m sorry that I still want to kill myself because I feel so inadequate. I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry that I was never good enough for you. I’m sorry that I haven’t made as big of an impact on your life as you try to tell me I have. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry that I’m not good for you. I’m sorry you still can’t see that. I’m sorry that I’m clingy, that I’m possessive. I’m sorry that I can’t wait […]

5/7/2015 2 comments

Guess what?

by LostandLonelySoul 5/7/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

Hey you. Yeah you. Guess what?

Hey you who thought calling me ugly and fat when I was anorexic was okay?

You’re the worst of the uglies for making me feel that way.

Hey boyfriend that cheated on me? I’m worth ten of you.

Hey guy who raped me at a party? I’m stronger than you.

Hey parents who abandoned me? I’m braver and more powerful than you.

Hey strangers with glances that can cripple? Hit me with your best shot. I’m stronger than your distain.

…

Hey you sitting in the corner trying to be brave? You’re stronger than you know.

Hey you, kid that goes home crying every day because someone […]

5/7/2015 5 comments

Letter to Him

by LostandLonelySoul 2/22/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

Dear Lover,

I am so sorry that I couldn’t be a better girl for you. I am so sorry that I never measured up to the kind of girl you wanted me to be. I am so deeply sorry that I disappoint you on a daily basis with every screwup I manage to make. I am so sorry that I get scared to lose you, and I tak it out on you. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better than what I give you. You deserve a good girl who isn’t so broken inside, one who doesn’t let you down. You deserve a girl […]

2/22/2015 2 comments

Monster

by LostandLonelySoul 2/22/2015

written by LostandLonelySoul

I don’t want to be alive anymore.. I can’t stand feeling like I mean nothing to anyone, can’t bear the weight of meaning nothing to myself.. I can’t stop thinking about what it will feel like to be dead.. I don’t think anyone would miss me..

I have a boyfriend, but he makes me feel so insignificant, so inadequate.. I know he loves me, but I feel so worthless, and it’s only a matter of time until he sees that too.. And he leaves me too.. Dear reader, I love him, and he doesn’t say or do anything to make me feel that way, but he’s […]

2/22/2015 1 comment

No

by LostandLonelySoul 12/25/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

I’m going to die tonight. If I don’t, then I will die tomorrow. If I don’t succeed tomorrow, I’m going to keep trying until I succeed.

12/25/2014 3 comments

How Cutting Saves Me

by LostandLonelySoul 11/7/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

I can’t deal with my depression anymore.. I have started cutting again, and it is the only promise I can make myself anymore.. “If you get through this awful day, you can go home and carve yourself to your heart’s content..” While people may find that gross, it’s honestly the most truthful thing I’ve ever said to myself.. Cutting is an out for me. It helps me express my feelings, despite the fact that no one but me ever sees the cuts..

No one ever sees them because I am very sneaky about WHEN I cut. In the shower, in a bath, late at night […]

11/7/2014 2 comments

by LostandLonelySoul 10/29/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

Tonight, I had a close friend to me decide that he hates me. He decided I wasn’t worth it anymore, and he told me to f**k off and kill myself. I’m not gonna lie, that hurt me terribly. I wish I could just disappear and never come back. I’m feeling so guilty.. What if I really am the problem? I’m starting to think I’m the problem. I mean, can you blame him, our anyone else, for walking away from me? I’m a *****. I’m stupid. I’m pretty ugly too. I’m fat, I’m mean, I’m prudish, I’m snooty, and I am a terrible person. I’m a […]

10/29/2014 2 comments

Smiles Don’t Mean I’m Fine

by LostandLonelySoul 10/28/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

What is a smile? I think it goes without saying that people define a smile in different ways. Some say a smile is a way to tie everything together. Some say a smile is the glue that keeps you together when you are falling apart. Still others say a smile is a way to reassure people around you that you are doing fine.

But..

What if I said that for me, a smile is a way of hiding?

A way of hiding what I really feel from those around me?

A way of hiding from the sadness that is just lingering beneath the surface?

Because […]

10/28/2014 1 comment

Teenage Depression: Fact or Fiction?

by LostandLonelySoul 10/28/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

Pre-thought: Though this isn’t my typical depressive rant-type style of writing, it’s still majorly important. I would like feedback on what you guys think.. Anyway..

Today, as I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, flipping through pictures, I came across an interesting topic.. Can kids/teenagers have depression? Umm.. DUHH. Yeah, they can. I would know, seeing as I have depression. I’ve had it for most of my life. However, there was this guy on there that disagreed with this STRONGLY. So strongly, in fact, that he went as far as to generalize all types of depression into one category (and certainly a category excluding […]

10/28/2014 4 comments

Alone

by LostandLonelySoul 10/27/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

I feel alone. All the time. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I can be in a crowded place with lots of people and still feel all alone. Sometimes I wonder whether or not it would be worth it to just kill myself and spare everyone around me from the misery I feel. I am very good at keeping it to myself, but sometimes, I slip. And when I slip, people decide they hate me and walk out of my life. That in itself is a horrible thing to have to go through. Just yesterday, one of my best friends decided I wasn’t worth […]

10/27/2014 10 comments

The Phone Call That Saved Me

by LostandLonelySoul 10/26/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

The air was so cold on that dreadful October night,
As I shivered in my thin blankets three,
I sat waiting for a call that would never come,
From someone who said they cared about me.

As the hours ticked on I worried that they were hurt,
It is a possibility you know,
But as I sat there a horrid thought crossed my mind,
As horrible as any I know,

This person never did know how to be late,
Not even for school or for work,
So how could someone I loved so very very much,
Turn out to be such a damn jerk,

Then my thoughts took […]

10/26/2014 0 comment

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