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LoveLost55

Nothing ends…

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

I feel nothing for anyone around me. Those that say they care, are more easily consumed by their own interests.  I hate my life.  I hate waking in the morning, the façade of a life I present to others, the happiness I show people daily, and, more so, not being able to sleep with my own thoughts at night.  Why do I continue?  Why keep up this farce of a life?  Am I that weak? Can I not end this charade?  I guess nothing ends….

I gather courage from pain.  Each day, I put my uniform on, knowing I am hated.  My only hope is to cross paths with a person that hates me […]

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Another holiday season has past…

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

Alone I sit. I watch my family eat and laugh.  I listen and partake as best I can.  Alcohol is starting not to balance me anymore.  I want to scream out and flip things over.  I want to use my rage and sadness to express my anguish.  Yet, I sit here with a stupid smirk on my face.  I only get joy from watching my nieces open their presents.  I could care less about any of this bullshit.  My birthday was the 19th and, God willing, will be my last.  I can’t even drink enough to even muster the strength to put the gun to my head […]

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My heart…

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

Does anything I do or say matter?  I could kill myself.  I could cut, I could physically hurt or maim myself… but would you know?  I go to bed hoping for the worst, hoping you would take notice.  I wake up with regret… knowing you are happy without me. Each day I go about in a daze.  I think about what would have been had we stayed together.  I don’t know if it would have been perfect… but who wants that?  I know I want to be with you.  I know I will never let someone sleep on my right side.  I will never let someone lay on […]

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In response to those that messaged…

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts.  I would like to address those now.

1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me.  I hurt like it is day 1.  My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound.  Every where I go I see her.  I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away.  Time is only making it harder on me.  If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path […]

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It continues…

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

I feel myself slipping away.  I feel my cares, my concerns, my passions and my obligations no longer have any meaning.  I want the end.  I want the peace and serenity that comes with it.  I feel no remorse for those that will.  I feel only the burden of my choices crashing down on me.  I feel the stare from the eyes of the woman I love.  I feel their sadness, I feel their anger, I feel their doubt and, finally, I feel their relief.  I wish I could have been more.  I wish I could have lived up to expectations.  I wish the one […]

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I am fighting myself

by LoveLost55
written by LoveLost55

I don’t know what to do.  Here is my story in a nutshell:

I dated the love of my life starting in 1996.  She was made for me.  We were in sync from the start.  I grew more and more attached the more I tried keeping her at bay.  I ended up loving her more than anything I could imagine.

I met her during our Minnesota State Fair in August of 1996.  She was fascinating and I made her laugh.  The stars were aligned when I was late to meet up with her the next day.  However, things worked out.  We were teenagers in love.  Every weekend we […]

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