Alone I sit. I watch my family eat and laugh. I listen and partake as best I can. Alcohol is starting not to balance me anymore. I want to scream out and flip things over. I want to use my rage and sadness to express my anguish. Yet, I sit here with a stupid smirk on my face. I only get joy from watching my nieces open their presents. I could care less about any of this bullshit. My birthday was the 19th and, God willing, will be my last. I can’t even drink enough to even muster the strength to put the gun to my head and punch my ticket home. My pain is relentless, it is overwhelming and all consuming. I am dying from the inside out. Slowly, it eats away at my being like a beach slowly being eroded by the tides. I don’t care how cold it is outside right now… Minnesota winters have nothing on how cold my soul is. I feel lifeless… I take no enjoyment in the simplest things. My violent streak is ramping up. I’m scaring myself that someday I may end someone. I don’t want to do that… I only want to end myself. I’m Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde… I have evil in me.
I’ve digressed back to the person I was when I lost the one I love. I am becoming the monster I thought was dead. The monster that ruined my relationship. The monster that ruined my heart. I am slowly becoming that again. I have hurt people to the point I’ve broken bones in my hands and kept going. I look forward to the physical pain, yet I do not want to cut due to the physical signs. I don’t want to alert anyone. My job calls for me to violent on demand… it’s the only satisfying aspect of my job. I want all of this to subside. I want calm… I want peace.
I held my gun and loaded new vest penetrating rounds. I know there would be no chance of a ricochet, no chance of survival… but every chance of salvation. Choices. What to do?
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You are alive, possible barely or in pieces, heartbroken but you have a gun. As you say, your ticket out, but you haven’t used it. Could it be the voice inside your head that says, it might not all be over yet? I know that if I would have a gun right now, I would have the same problem. I will do it but when. I don’t want to wait. But yet I do. Well in my case, I can’t even get a hold of a gun. So no luxury there.
I have tried. Pulled the trigger a while back and got a dud. I don’t know if that’s Gods way of messing with me or not. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick of taking that out on other people. But, even drinking now doesn’t muster up the courage of me grabbing my gun and ending it. If I feel like relieving some pain, I get in a fight and take out my aggression. I’ve put 3 people in the hospital in the past 4 months. I’m ramping up too… I think one of these days I may actually kill someone in a blacked out fit of rage. And, like I said… I want to die. I don’t want to kill anyone.
We still have another 48 hours before the holidays have ended.