It continues…

I feel myself slipping away.  I feel my cares, my concerns, my passions and my obligations no longer have any meaning.  I want the end.  I want the peace and serenity that comes with it.  I feel no remorse for those that will.  I feel only the burden of my choices crashing down on me.  I feel the stare from the eyes of the woman I love.  I feel their sadness, I feel their anger, I feel their doubt and, finally, I feel their relief.  I wish I could have been more.  I wish I could have lived up to expectations.  I wish the one person I love would have loved me again.  But, I know she doesn’t. It continues…. my struggle, my aimless love, my isolation.  It continues… my guilt, my hatred, my shame.  I love someone that never could and never will love me.  I hate myself.  I pray for death every night before I go to sleep and I curse the mornings.  I wear my smile as a mask to the outside world, so they do not have to see me dying.  It continues… my yearning for the end, my most fearful expedition.  I contemplate the final steps.  How will it end?  Will I pull the trigger?  Or can I put myself into a situation where someone else will do the deed for me?  That is my dilemma.  I want to go out in a hail of gunfire.  I want to feel the hit from each slug as it enters my body.  I want there to be no doubt that those are the fragments of karma entering my soul.  I deserve that.  Or, will it be the one slug I put behind my ear.  Fitting, considering I want my thought process silenced.  What better way would it be?  It continues… my wondering if anyone truly cares, my wondering if I will be remembered.  I don’t want to be famous… I just want someone to love me.  There is a line in Tupac’s “Thugz Mansion” song when he says,”… it’s hard to carry on when no one loves you.”  I finally realized that he was saying that, it’s hard to carry on when the people you want to love you don’t/won’t.  It’s hard to accept that fact.  It’s a fact that I have embraced.  It’s something I will lay my head down and take peace in when my time calls.  I can not wait for the end to this.  It is coming.  Like a storm out at sea bearing down … it is only a matter of time before it consumes me.