lovvely

hey. I’ve been MIA for awhile, oops, sorry. Everything is fucked. Sorry if you emailed me and I didn’t reply. I’ll try to be on here and talk with you lot as much as possible :,) (the email is ollies2@educbe.ca)

The school year is almost finished, thank god, but I’m dreading going into grade nine. I’ve been clean for quite awhile, but the urges to cut and attempt for my 4th time just become much more strong each day. I’m so done with trusting people and have them turn against me. I trust no one. All of my so call “friends” leave me in my darkest […]

I’ve decided tonight I’m going to try to commit. My mom has locked up my meds so my final option is bleach. I’ve done plenty research and if I drink enough, despite the taste probably being awful, I’ll end up dying. I’m going to do it tonight at 2:00 AM, setting a timer for 1:30, going to bed quite earlier, getting a decent last amount of sleep, and before I drink the awful liquid, I’m going to eat my favorite snack and send a final message to the love of my life, before I kick the bucket. This will probably be my last post. But […]

Hey, sorry I’ve been gone. I’m tired. Not to be mixed with sleepy. Sleepy is a light feeling that is soft, and all you want is to cuddle and nap. Tired is a awful feeling where all you want is to lie in bed and do nothing. It’s monday, which means back to school, which means another terrible week full of people not giving a flying fuck about me. What makes this week about 10x worse? The fact that it’s also Valentine’s day. Last year at this time, I was at my peeking point. I was in love, I wasn’t cutting, I had loving friends, […]

Hi. I’m still alive, if anyone cared anyway. I’m on my edge. I need help. My family tries, and the few friends I have too, but I’ve moved on from not just cutting, but forcing myself to throw up. It feels like nothing will ever change with this, and I won’t have a future past 22. I know I’ll just be dead by then. I have nothing to live for past that. What’s even the point to living to then if I know I’ll be dead? It seems very useless, and I just don’t want to exist. I want to be forgotten so no one […]

I want to die. I think I’ll do it this weekend. I have nothing left. I have some meds I can use. I can do it. I should. I could. Fuck. I’m just so tired. I just want to sleep for hours, but I have so much to do. Everyone stresses me out. Fuck. Everyone could be better. I should just cry, sleep, starve. Help. I’m scared. I just want to die. Badly.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in months.

It was a cold day, since I live in Canada, (around -27) and I was trying to start the morning off cheerful. I tried to erase the terrible thoughts that went through my mind from the night before and because of that, the morning was pretty chill. After lunch is when things went terrible. After a period of awkwardness being put in the same group as my ex friends, I went to art class, which is my hell. I love art, it’s one of my main hobbies but the teacher is awful. Anyway, I sat […]

So, over winter break we were off school for about three weeks, and within those weeks, some chicks, some who used to be my friends, messaged me telling me that I don’t appreciate my friends, I complain too much (which I wasn’t posting here because I’ve been so insecure about talking about my problems), and that I should kill myself since my life is a waste. It caused me three breakdowns that went on for hours, it was awful. On top of it, one of them used to be one of my close friends! I don’t understand why they’d do that, but I’ve come to […]

Hey, been awhile since I’ve posted here but let me say, who knew things could get even worse? I’ve started cutting again and I’m on the edge. My anxiety is always telling me no one likes me. It’s scary. Everything seems scary. I’ve never wanted to die more. I might do it. I might go through. I should. No one would care, since I’m just a empty void. What do I do??? I just want to die so much, it hurts. No. One. Would. Care.

(sorry this is so short, i was in a rush)

on friday, the worst things happened.

I went to the mall with two of my friends, the one who invited me and I thought was actually nice, ditched me for someone who says I should kill myself, and I saw them today. I almost cried.

After I went to this roller rink in my city that is closing soon with a bunch of kids from my class, and I had a breakdown. I’m not very good at skating, so I still don’t know why I went, but anyways, I had a breakdown, and was crying in the bathroom, while my “friend” came and told me that I […]

hey, me again.

I wanted to thank all the people who commented yesterday, it was beyond sweet of everyone who did.

So, heads up, this will be a long one.

In the past week I’ve had at least three panic attacks and it’s been awful. In the past two weeks, I’ve had five or more, I’ve lost count at this point.

I’ve lost all relationships at this point. My friends hate me, my peers ignore me, and so do my loved ones.

I started to cut myself and think of suicide around the end of grade five, and now I’m in grade eight, and ever since, my thoughts have just […]

Today is terrible. Everyday is terrible. I have no idea what to do, I’m just tired and sad, and I’m sick of self harming, I just want to end it instead. Please help. Either it being advice on how I should go throughout with the task (killing myself) or just getting help, I’ve lost all hope and I’m sick of sounding like the worst emo-my-girlfriend-doesn’t-love-me-so-I’ll-cut-for-attention post out there. I’m depressed. And I need help. I barley show anyone my scars and I’m just scared. Thank you for reading this, whoever you are.

and please, help.

just help.