Minxtou

Sometimes the only way I can convince myself to accomplish anything, is to promise myself that if I work really hard and get a lot accomplished, then I can reward myself by killing myself, after there is something to show for my life.

Somehow, it makes all of the suffering mean something. It coverts the suffering to honor, in a way. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

I rely on this crutch again. Hopefully I can get somewhere truly good.

My parents have been visiting for about a week now, and are leaving in the next day or two.

Today my aunt and my mom talked to me about my mental health, how they wanted me to get into therapy and go to school/work, and how they didn’t want me to make the same mistakes they did. It makes me really upset in a way I don’t know how to explain.

Why do I have to do better than them? I gradiated High School, I’m already doing better than my mother ever did. I don’t do drugs and I don’t have an abusive husband, and I’m not […]

Yesterday I had the most terrible interview experience. Not the interview part specifically, but the making me wait hours and expecting me to give them years of information that I was not prepared to give.

When I became frustrated, they told me I could finish it at home.

This morning they called me and said that even though they had told me yesterday they would hire me, that because I got frustrated, they were changing their mind.

I know I shouldn’t be upset, and I know that I should feel relieved in a certian way, but I am so upset about the whole thing. I really […]

I was in Japan for 3 months and I made so many friends, and spent so much time with them everyday, laughing and working, telling stories and doing stuff. It was so wonderful!

I still struggled with some of my mood and personality problems when I was there, but all of it was manageable, really. This happened to me one other time in my life. It seems like if I can just have a lot of friends and see them basically every day, then I am able to just be normal.

Now that I’m home, I don’t really have any froends, except one I never see. So […]

It’s been 3 months now that I’ve been away from home, living in a foreign country. But tomorrow is my flight back home. I really just cannot believe it I guess.

As much of an introvert as I am (or think of myself as), I’ve actually really enjoyed meeting so many people and talking with them about so many things. It’s been nice to be friendly with so many people all the time. I think that maybe it has really helped to improve my mood in a lot of ways. I think I am a much more social person than I actually give myself […]

Ah, I was really looking forward to my date on Sunday, the last time I would get to see him before I went back to the States… But he was honest with me in saying “probably” instead of “yes”, so I can’t really be mad that it turns out that he can’t, because they need him to come in and work at the other restaurant.

He apologized to me quite a bit. But then, because it turns out we won’t be going on a date, I gave him the gifts that I bought for him.

And honestly I think that more than anything else that […]

I’ve been doing my best to be social and tolerate everyone for the last 3 months, but I am soooo fucking tired of it. I just want to be alone for a few weeks, honestly… I can’t wait to be home and just do nothing for a while. To just not have to deal with the constant pressure of people I can’t stand. To deal with cultural differences and all that.

But to me it won’t even be good because then it will really hit me so hard that my dog really is dead and not just really far away.

My stupid saga continues. I feel like I post here every other day now, so forgive me really.

It turns out that I can’t go to Korea and come back to Japan in 3 months like I was planning on, like I told him that I would… So I ended up having to tell him that I would actually be going back to the States for a year.

He was so crushed by the news and went to the “wish you well, take care of yourself” lines and I know he is trying to make it easier for me (and for him too), but that’s […]

It’s quite hard to handle having intense feelings, positive or negative. I’m just not used to feeling that strongly anything, so it is difficult to come with even these intense happy-anxious feelings.

I try not to fall back into the same patterns of running away from it though.

At this point I’m just like “fuck it” in a certian sense. I’ve been so worried about if this guy will like me that I don’t even fucking talk to him because I don’t want to fuck up my chances if he figures out the “real” me.

But you know, if he doesn’t like the “real” me then why the hell do I want to date him? I can’t keep trying to change myself into something that I think that men will like. You know? Fuck that.

It feels like the end of the world right now if he rejects me, but honestly I will […]

I keep having dreams where I am back home and I am playing with my dog and she is fine and nothing has happened to her.

Then I wake up and I have to deal with the fact that it happened all over again.

I can’t really handle this.

Despite all the bad news that I have gotten in the last week, I am refusing to let that define how I am feeling.

Since Japan and Korea are the experience of a lifetime, I am trying my absolute hardest to find things to enjoy and appreciate while I am here.

I finally brought myself to do laundry and take a shower. I put on makeup, and honestly I feel so much better now.

I hope that things will look up for some of y’all as well.

Yesterday I was so stressed by the news of my dog dying that I skipped work. But everyone understood and was nice about it.

This morning I booked a flight to Korea. I’m going to spend 3 months there, then fly back to Japan.

I’m going to be juggling learning Korean, Japanese, a job training program which I am starting, as well as working in a guesthouse, and as an English tutor.

So I’m going to keep busy and maybe that will make everything better.

I’ve been in Japan for about 2 months now, and things were going very well, including going on a date with a great guy.

But I just learned today that my dog has been very, very sick for about 5 weeks, and that she’s probably dying. From what my aunt said, for the first three weeks I was gone, she kept looking for me like she usually does, but then one day when my aunt came home, she ran up to see her, made a little noise and collapsed, I think because she thinks that I will never come home to see her again. She won’t […]

Recently things have been looking up for me. I said “fuck you” to my anxiety and took a vacation to Japan. I’ve met lots of wonderful and fun people, and have even started seeing someone (casually I guess).

I’ve been motivated to study Japanese, and so I have worked quite diligently, studying over 25 hours in the last two weeks. Which might not seem like much but I’m working part time. In a good way I am reminded of when I was 18 and “going places”. I had an important, influential job (for an 18 year old) and lots of responsibilities. It […]

I had posted a few days ago about a date that I was going on and how it was really stressing me and I wanted to kill myself.

But then I went and it was amazing. They were super attentive to me. And they said they wanted to go back on another date with me 🙂

I am excited by this date coming up on Saturday. Every day I get out of bed and I study so I can talk to them.

But at the same time, it makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. They are going to realize what a freak I am and never speak to me again in my life.

I just want to cancel it and save myself the embarrassment, but I don’t want to be mean. They moved around their schedule so that we could go out Saturday.

I’m still depressed you know? But it feels good to finally be getting sexual/romantic attention. I’m actually getting quite a bit of it while I’m on holiday. It makes me feel like my life is actually worth something.

But what will happen when I go home?

I am in the place where I always wanted to be, Japan, but at the same time, I still struggle from time to time with my feelings.

Sometimes I still consoddr offing myself and I just do not want to deal with the frustrations of life.

But I try to just enjoy myself here.

I’m 24, so don’t freak out too much.

But I bought a ticket (round trip) to a foreign country, and I’m gonna run away to there for 3 months. Im not going to tell anyone IRL I’m leaving before the fact, except my boyfriend. I think maybe I should split up with him…