Author

Miss.Mayhem

Rewind

by Miss.Mayhem 5/9/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

Carry me home or just carry me away
Away from the horrors my own have seen
Carry me so far away my demons loose my track

The sea mends the shore’s broken sand
Just as you healed the wounds I caused with my hands
But now the memories seem like fog in the distance
Vague in my memory and my existence

But tell me my love? Does your mind ever tempt you?
Tempt to you go backwards?
To push rewind regardless of how much fast forward is screaming your name?
To listen to the lullabies of hushed sleep we shared?
Or to the beat of my heart that you’ve claimed?
Tell me dear, does the wind whisper […]

5/9/2013 0 comment

Last Night Alive

by Miss.Mayhem 5/9/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

Deep ocean blue

Carry me up from your depths

Deep ocean blue

Carry me away from the untrue

Unspoken goodbyes

Heartfelt tears I’ve only cried

No more late nights

Just be honest and say they were lies

So I’ll spend my last night dreaming of you

And I’ll cry my last tears over you

I’ll write my last words to you

And I’ll dry the blood from my veins because of you

5/9/2013 0 comment

Today I Didn’t Go to School.

by Miss.Mayhem 5/3/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I didn’t go for 3 reasons:

1. I was too suicidal to function

2. I had a dream about my ex boyfriend last night (the only guy I’ve ever loved). We had a long distance relationship and in the dream, we met for the first time. It was so amazing but in the dream we were actually dating. It would beÂ completelyÂ different if we met now..I couldn’t have went to school because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to fake the same smile I usually do.

3. Over half of my grade level went to a trip to Atlanta to see the Braves play and some other stuff […]

5/3/2013 0 comment

4/17/13

by Miss.Mayhem 4/19/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

Today during creative writing class my teacher really wanted to read a poem I wrote about me loosing my best friend (well she didnâ€™t know what it was about). IÂ didn’tÂ want to say no because it would have hurt her feelings, so I said â€œsureâ€. She started reading the emotion-filled poem out loud. We had a visitor in our class who, just from the few lines my teacher had read, was completely focused in and had an amazed look on her face. Apparently so did everyone else in the class.
As she was reading, I started to realize what the words actually meant to me. TheyÂ weren’tÂ just […]

4/19/2013 0 comment

My Self-Harming

by Miss.Mayhem 3/15/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

Thinking back, I thought I’d been self harming for a year now but really? I’ve been doing it for almost 3. I was just thinking about everything and I remember in 6th grade I used to line my arms in rubber bands and just flick them until my wrists were bloodshot red. Then in 7th grade IÂ finallyÂ got over that and tried cutting but swore I’d never do it again. Then IÂ developedÂ Trichotillomania (pulling out my own hair) and that got to anÂ extremeÂ enough point that I had to cut my hair short enough where I couldn’t see it unless I looked in the mirror. I still have […]

3/15/2013 1 comment

Endless Sleep..

by Miss.Mayhem 3/13/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

All of my interest is gone. I go to sleep every night hoping with everything I have left (which is not a lot) that I don’t wake up. When I do wake up, I get ready, go to school, fake the same smiles and talk to fake friends that will all stab me in the back eventually, go home, cut, maybe eat and then sleep and hope the same death wish. I just want to be done. I have nothing left to give. Everyone that I cared about left. I have no one. They’re all gone. I want to fall into an endless sleep. Actually […]

3/13/2013 3 comments

Just Put the Spade to my Throat Already..

by Miss.Mayhem 2/27/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I haven’t posted in a while and frankly I’ve hit new lows. I read a post on here a while ago that said you cannot contain your cutting to just one part of your body, it will spread. I didn’t believe this at all. I thought I could just cut the fuck out of my left arm forever. Well now it’s everywhere on my body. Stomach, arms, thighs. Everywhere. And I love it.

Me an my boyfriend broke up (again) because he said he couldn’t handle my problems.

My best friend has to be home-schooledÂ because her mom hates me. I haven’t seen her in weeks now and […]

2/27/2013 2 comments

She Just Doesn’t Know..

by Miss.Mayhem 2/16/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I told my mom I was going to join the military and go into combat. She was so pissed. She said I was basicly just getting in a line to go get killed..she just doesn’t know how many times I’ve attepted to kill myself at home…

2/16/2013 3 comments

I’m Just So Tired..

by Miss.Mayhem 2/16/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

My boyfriend of almost one year, the only guy I’ve ever loved, told me he couldn’t handle my issues anymore and broke up with me. He says he can’t handle me hurting myself and hating myself. I told him I just could help it…the worst part about this whole thing is I can’t cry…I’m too numb to cry. If he’s tired of me hurting myself then why did he break up with me? I’m just going to do it worse now…

I’m just so tired of feeling this way. No one cares about me and I have np reason to live. I’m tried of waking up […]

2/16/2013 4 comments

Depression+Anxeity+Paranoia=My Life

by Miss.Mayhem 2/15/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I haven’t writen here in a while. A lot has happened…well I guess you could say that. My depression has gotten to a point where I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to get up in the mornings or go anywhere. I’ve lost intrest in everything that used to be inportant to me. Understands why I feel this way. If I tell them, they change the subject.

I’ve began to cut again…this time more often and more at a time. My boyfriend says I need to stop before I go to far…honestly I don’t care if I go too far. He never talks to […]

2/15/2013 1 comment

Everything

by Miss.Mayhem 1/22/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

March 18th will be the one yearÂ anniversaryÂ of knowing my ex….that day I’m going to send him a message telling him how much he means to me and tell him I still love him…but I’m going to ask him if he really wants me in his life but if he doesn’t, I’m gone.

At first all I wanted was to be with him and I would risk everything..now all I want is to see him smile again and I willÂ risk everything for that..even my life..

I will probablyÂ relapseÂ that day but it will be okay..I just need to know his answer..

1/22/2013 2 comments

Stranger of Cancer

by Miss.Mayhem 1/20/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

You know what would be wonderful? If I got Cancer and died. See I wouldÂ rejectÂ ChemotherapyÂ and then I’d die sooner or latter. Then everyone would talk about me after I died like I was such a wonderful person.

“She fought so hard”

“There was always a smile on her face”

“She could always make me laugh!”

Maybe my dad wouldÂ finallyÂ show his face at my funeral…first time in almost 10 years…Or maybe my mom wouldn’t even tell him about it…My teachers would probably come. I was a very loved student. IÂ hardlyÂ ever did my homework and I was failing most of my classes but they’d come…I’m sure of it. My reading teacher […]

1/20/2013 0 comment

Coma White

by Miss.Mayhem 1/20/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

“There’s something cold and blank
behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile

You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself”

I relate to these lyrics so well.Â ExperiencingÂ different drugs to escape from myself. But all the drugs in the world won’t save me from myself.

1/20/2013 3 comments

ERROR

by Miss.Mayhem 1/19/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I had a dream last night.

Gym class.

We get weighed every few months.

I had anorexia last year.

I’m okay now.

But my dream…

I stepped on the scale..

90…

110..

150..

300…

401…..

ERROR ….

Then I woke up.

I’m so afraid to eat anything now.

Last time I stepped on a scale I was 106

That was August …

1/19/2013 2 comments

How Many?

by Miss.Mayhem 1/18/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

Hundreds of people a day, if not thousands, join this website wanting someone to hear their voice, to understand them, to be welcomed with open arms by people who have been in the same situations as them. This leads me to think, how many of the people whoÂ aren’tÂ with us anymore are dead?

1/18/2013 10 comments

Push Me Off

by Miss.Mayhem 1/12/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

My anxiety is slowly pushing me over an edge that I’m not ready to go over. See, for the past week my anxiety has been driving meÂ absolutelyÂ insane. I’ve been sitting in my room, waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Is it good or bad? I don’t know. I don’t know what it is or what I’m waiting on but last night it hit it’s peak. I felt like I had something to do. Something important. I kept pacingÂ acrossÂ my floor, hoping I’d know what it meant. Which,Â finally,Â subsided 4 hours latter. Maybe this is a way of telling myself to try and get better? Or […]

1/12/2013 1 comment

End It All

by Miss.Mayhem 1/10/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

The only reason I didn’t end it all was because I thought you’d miss me..I think I was wrong..I may need to rethink my options.

You saved my life once but now you’re the one helping me to end it..

1/10/2013 2 comments

The Truth..

by Miss.Mayhem 1/10/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

See I say I would love to kill myself but the truth is that there are a few things I’m afraid of. One being I won’t be able to ever really ‘hug’ him in real life, considering I’ve never met him in person before. Another being no one will miss me. Of course I wouldn’t know anyways but it’s still a fear. The only reason I didn’t really kill myself (when I was going through worst times) was because I thought he’d miss me. Right now I’m not sure if he would..

The truth is that I don’t think I could ever really kill myself. I […]

1/10/2013 1 comment

…

by Miss.Mayhem 1/5/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I’mstupidI’mworthlessI’mawasteofairI’materriblefriendnoonelovesmeI’mdumbIshoulddieIfeelsorryforanyonewhoknowsmeI’mastupidexuseforahumaneveryonehatesmenoonewilleverloveme

Why can’t I just die…

1/5/2013 2 comments

Forever Fucked-over

by Miss.Mayhem 1/5/2013

written by Miss.Mayhem

I keep falling for the stupid lies.

“I love you”

“We are going to be together forever”

“You are my world”

“I can’t live without you”

Bullshit. I fall for them every fucking time though. TheÂ thoughtÂ of us being together and happy seems just in my reach, just over a small hill. But really it’s millions of miles away and I will never reach it. We will never reach it. I just want us both happy. Actually correction, I only care if he’s happy. At this point I really don’t care about myself. I don’t know why I keep falling for the lies. Is it because I want to be with […]

1/5/2013 1 comment

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