Well since it’s almost the end of this year, I thought I’d relive a memory I’ve been thinking of way to often lately. If your not in the mood for a sad tragic story with a twist of an ending, I wouldn’t read. Not really looking for anyone to read it anyway. Don’t expect anyone too either. This is just for me to relive it. I feel like it’s time. Okay…….here we go:
My boyfriend and I live about 2,000 miles away. Me and him were talking on the phone one day and I heard his mom walk in and say to grab some blankets and his phone and to hurry […]
2012. I’d like the call it one of the worst fucking years of my life, but I have to give it as much good credit as bad though. I mean this year has been absolutely terrible, but it all didn’t start out bad. Someone didn’t say to me “well this year I think I’m going to cause you the most hell possible and hope you’ll disappear.” No one said that. This is basically year one of the rest of my life. I’ve gone through more than anyone my age should. I don’t feel anyone my age or any age should go through the things I’ve gone through. Or the things I put […]
Learning to swim, in the pool of life
You see every reason, to grab your knife
But no, its just out of reach
He’s climbing over your walls, they’re almost breached
Pray to the only thing you know true
He’s the only one who’s helped you through
But he can’t save you this time
Fore you’re too far in the pits of hell, for all your life’s crimes
You see the light but can’t reach it
He never knew, but he will this time, you’ll have to admit
Arms reach far to try to touch the light
But its useless, even though it shines so bright
You have […]
I can’t breathe right now. My hands are shaking. Basically the beginning of my never-ending panic attacks. I haven’t cried since Mitch Lucker’s death, which was November 1st. It’s like I used up all my tears. Well…they’re back. My ex lives 2,000 miles away. People have no idea how much we’ve been through to be together. I love him more than anything. I know a lot of you are tired of hearing that but it’s fucking true I sacrifice everything for him. But as I was saying, he lives 2,000 miles away. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know we aren’t together anymore. [We used to be perfect and not have […]
March 18, 2012
That date means absolutely nothing to you…but that date saved my life.
I’m such a hypocrite. I tell others not to cut.  Or not to commit suicide, when I’m over here imagining how good it would feel to see blood dripping down my arms. How much of a relief it would be to end it all. I tell my friends not to trust anyone, not even me. They always ask why and I never know what to say…but I know what I’m thinking.Even your friends can turn on you. You family even. I’ve experienced it. How great would it be just to not have to worry about anything anymore? Just disappear Like you were never here. It doesn’t even scare me […]
It’s been so long since I’ve written. So glad to be back with my family. Have you ever just sought comfort from a stranger? I know I have.
A lot had happened.
Me and Brice (love of my life) went out…once again. He ended up not talking to me for 2 whole weeks. Then he said he never wanted to talk to me again. I once again wrote my suicide letter, thinking I had nothing more to live for. I think it was the 6th time. But anyways he eventually ended up talking to me again. We still talk. Everything is not solved and I’ve promised so […]
I tried the butterfly project out. Guess how that ended up? I was balling my eyes out and scrubbing it all off my arms. I can’t stand the thought of the names of people I care about over these ugly scars.
Alone In This Cruel World That So Many People Call Home While My Thoughts Brutally Attack Themselves
I’ve attempted to write my suicide note. Or notes I should say. I’m not even done with the one to my love. It’s like 4 pages long already and not even close to being finished. Do I know if I’m going to commit suicide? No. I just want everything ready for when and if it does happen. I see it being a 30 to 70%. 30% being I won’t attempted it. The other 70% is I will. Probably not now but latter.
Tomorrow and Thanksgiving and I’m not sure what to be thankful for. My family resents me. My friends will eventually turn their backs on me. What’s […]
I guess I didn’t notice I loved you until you held my hand. I didn’t know you loved me until my friend told me what you said. But you don’t know me. You know me….but you really don’t. You think I’m perfect because that’s how I display myself. I make sure I smile and laugh. I make sure not to show any emotion I would regret latter. You just think you love me. You don’t, truth me. Once you find out, you’ll change your mind…they all do.
But if you want to know the truth, fine:
Yes, I do have scars I hide.
No, I’m not the girl […]
Someone I’ve loved since the moment I’ve ever talked to them is slipping away. The sad part is I’m letting him. I can’t do anything about him not loving me anymore. I’ve fought for him for 9 months, if not more. I’m done. I can’t keep waiting on him to realize if I’m what he wants or not. I haven’t talked to him since Thursday. He says he cares and would do anything for me but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if it was love or lust. Maybe neither Maybe all of it was just a big joke, but I just can’t take it anymore. The […]
I love someone.
Do they love me back?
I’ll never know.
I hope they do.
But you just can’t be certain these days.
But…
Today…
I felt affection.
Affection from someone I could actually touch.
Someone that doesn’t live 2,000 miles away.
Maybe it’s a sign.
A sign that I should stop pretending that our relationship will  work.
I just feel like I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t bare the thought of not being able to hold your hand until we’re 18.
5 years.
5 years of agony
and being alone.
It was a small sign.
Just holding hands in the dark.
No one will ever know.
No questions.
But yet no answers.
Does it mean something or was the whole thing a big mistake?
I don’t know.
But I […]
I’ve written my suicide note before, but a lot has changed since 3 months ago. I have more to say. I’m not saying that I will kill myself but if I do, I want people to know how I felt about them.
I don’t know why I’m here. Everyone says I have a purpose, but it’s hard to believe. Â You know what I believe? I believe no one truly has a purpose. People only trick themselves into believing they do. I believe that life is just some cruel joke. I believe that life is just a big game. It’s a war.
I’ve finally gotten what I wanted, be and my boyfriend together. But it’s different. We are WAY more distant. I can tell he’s not telling me everything. I know him better than I know myself. I know I’ve changed but am I THAT different?
It’s been 10 minutes since I cut last.
Big deal right?
Not.
I promised my boyfriend I wouldn’t cut anymore.
Of course I broke.
I knew I wouldn’t last more than 2 days.
Which,
I was wrong.
I lasted 3.
I’ve been really thinking about everything that’s happened to be and what might happen to me lately I kinda just want to get everything that’s happened to me out there. I’ve never actually told anyone my whole life story before. I don’t expect this to get me any comments or any views for that matter, I just want to get if off my chest. It kinda explains why I am who I am. Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning:
When I was 2 months old my mom found out my dad was on some serious drugs. He actually dealt drugs. Every kind you could think of, he had. As soon as […]
I may have fallen once again for him. Maybe I’m stupid… actually I am. I’m not saying he will break my heart but from all he’s said and done, it’s going to take a long time to fix “us”. I don’t trust him but I love him. I have faith that we will be together for a long time, but I did think that last time. I honestly don’t know what to think, I guess I’m just going to go with it this time. At least if he does fuck me over, I’ll know what to expect this time.
Then again sometime the thought of him never coming into my […]
I think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind. When someone that I love doesn’t talk to me for an hour or I haven’t heard from them in like a day I will make up this whole story in my head that something’s happened. I will actually talk to myself and feel the actually pain that I’ve lost them. For example I’m freaking out now because my boyfriend hasn’t talked to me since last night and he’s not online. I have made up this whole story that I’m going to eventually call his phone and his mom is going to answer and tell me he died in a car accident […]