On some days I wished I never starting self-harming, but on other days I wished I never stopped
I’ve stopped caring and so has everyone else. I’m struggling to find a reason to keep living this awful life, it’s not like I’ll go far in life anyways. Everyone dies eventually, why can’t I just make it happen for myself?
Everyday it seems to be getting worse and worse. I’m coming to the end of this pointless life that I have been attempting to live but it’s all too much. The final goodbye, it just a breath away.
I need something to keep me going, because anymore I see no point in living. Everyone always meets someone better than me, then I become nonexistent. I’m use to it, I don’t blame anyone, I only blame myself for not being good enough. And yes, I know that people leave our lives all the time but why is it that no one seems to stay in my life? For once, I’d like to feel wanted/needed. But that probably won’t happen, I’ll kill myself long before that day comes.
Really, what’s so great about this world anyways? All I see are a bunch of people who have too many worries to be bothered with some suicidal girl, and I don’t blame them, I wish I could be one of them but I’m not. I’m just a repulsive, hard to love, self harming, suicidal girl. I’m no one special or anyone that will be truly missed. Can someone come and stab me to death, please? It would be much appreciated.
I do but then again I couldn’t care less. There’s just so much pain behind the fake smile that I put on my face every morning in order to “fit in.” I’m just tired, can someone come and shoot me in the head? I don’t deserve to live anyways, I want to die.
To that little girl, smiling from ear to ear, with no worries on her mind and no demons in her head? Where’s the girl whose smile would light up a room, who laughed like there was no tomorrow, who would spend hours jumping in the rain, where’s the girl who enjoyed life?
What happened to me, what’s wrong with me? Now I am waiting to die, every second of every day just waiting. I’ve been waiting for 4 years now, when will it finally come to an end?
“When you grow up, your heart dies.”-The Breakfast Club.
Fuck being in love.Love, it is torturing me. It truly is horrible to be in love with someone who will never feel the same way about you. It eats you from the inside, causes more insecurities to appear, it’s just another thing that pushes me closer to killing myself. And I hate myself even more for falling in love with someone who only thinks of me as a sweetheart, someone with a perfect girlfriend that I could never compare to, I hate myself for getting myself into these situation. I just really hate myself and life in general. Can’t I die already? I don’t want to feel anything anymore, I want to be deep under the grass and dirt where I can finally be content in the darkness.
I think this is the beginning of the end. My 15th birthday was almost a month ago, I wasn’t ever suppose to make it that far. I’m suppose to be dead, I want to be dead. It’s the summer where I live and everyone seems to be having the time of there life, everyone except me. I don’t leave my house, my bed to be more specific. I don’t need to leave the house in order to feel judged, I’m my worse critic. I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, I’m nothing that anyone wants. I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. It’s impossible to love someone you despise. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. And I guess I’ve gotten good at hiding everything that no one even bothers anymore. Or maybe no one actually cares. I mean I wouldn’t care about me if I were another person. I’m a waste of oxygen, a waste of good organs the someone else deserves. I don’t deserve anything I have, I deserve to suffer. But I want out, I want a gun to put to my head, a rope to tie around my neck. Anything that will stop the pain, I just want to stop breathing. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep going on like this. But I’m just fine, thanks for not asking. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be dead and forgotten soon.
Why am I like this?I’m a 14 year old girl, at the end of my freshman year of high school. And all I can think about is killing myself. I don’t understand why I’m like this, am I crazy? It feels like everyone else is just strolling along happily while I’m stuck in a hole deep underground. I’ve felt like this for the past 3 years, I cut myself for a while and I’m trying to stop because I’m sick of being embarrassed of myself but the urges are returning. The feelings of desperation and loneliness take up most of my day. I can’t seem to get out of bed anymore, and when I’m out of bed I feel like I should be standing on the edge of a ledge or in front of a train like it’s what I deserve. I deserve to stop being a disappoint to my entire family, to stop being an annoyance to my few friends and to stop breathing all together. I have come to the realization that I am without a purpose, I will go nowhere in life and I’m beginning to accept that. It’s just that I don’t know how to deal with that acceptance. I want to die. But then again I want to be kissed before I die but no one will ever even like a girl with scars, they’re not a desirable item. It’s just that I’m slowly breaking apart day by day and I’m sick of keeping it bottled in. I’m sorry for wasting your time, nights are the worst for me.