There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
My parents discovered my cuts because my aunt told them when she noticed it.
I don’t know how to explain it to them. I just want to end it all. Yes, I appreciate the good things. Yes, I am aware of your love. Yes, life is beautiful. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. BUT I JUST REALLY REALLY HATE MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO DIE.
Why do you say it like it’s my fault that I need to say sorry? Why do you say it like you’re the victim? Because you were hurt? That the pain on your back is coming back because of my cutting habit? Why […]
I enjoy life. I mean it. There’s a lot of interesting things to see. A lot of things to write poems about. A lot of things to draw. A lot of people to meet and know. A lot of stories to read or hear. A lot of games to play. A lot of things to learn. I could bike all day. I could watch the sea. I could lay down on a grassy hill or plains. I could plant sunflowers. I could sew a dress. Or learn a new language. TRAVEL THE WORLD. Or discover a whole new world.
There’s a lot of things to do […]
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I think my girlfriend is getting depressed again.
I want to help her through this so I’ll try being strong for her to hold on since she has done the same for me multiple times in the past. I hope we can get through this.
Cheers, my friends.
Do you know what is more cruel than hatred?
False hope.
It’s better to know that things didn’t work out than not knowing it’s another joke thrown to you by life.
Sharing time: There’s this classmate of mine who’s disliked by the majority of my class. And instead of confronting him, they mock him masked with approval. And not the good type. It’s the it’s-obvious-you-can-see-it-in-their-faces.
And I just thought. Isn’t it cruel?
Socializing is hard.
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Something I drew in the past.
My idea of depression and anxiety is a black goop with eyes and mouth. Enveloping me with its huge, heavy body. Weighing me down that I can’t even leave my bed. Telling me things that will hurt me. It’ll leave me all weary. No matter how I wash it away, it’s still there. Laughing triumphantly. This little shit. XD
I’ve been living this life for 17 years now. I know some people might say, I’m too young to think my problems are that heavy. Imagine them as an adult paying taxes and what not. I know. And I think you’re awesome.
There’s me. Not exactly loved, not exactly hated. I’ve experienced to be showered with attention. I’ve experienced to be bullied.
As a one-month old to three-month old, I have a sturdy grip and balance to walk myself out of the walker. As a child, I have a passion for adventure. You’ll never see me in one place. When I was finally ready for school, I […]
Something triggered again.
The world is a scary place, huh?
Just a couple more days, we’ll be having a sembreak and I’ll be taking medications.
Right now, I feel really tired. We have finals today. Can’t even get one thing memorized..
Later. Gotta go to the lecture now.
Since I was not able to meet my therapist yesterday, (thank you, freeroma, for killing time with me.) I was thinking of going today.
BUT I have this professor, who is aware of my condition just recently, that I think is waiting for me to take the last quiz that I failed to attend to yesterday.
And I don’t want to fail her expectations on me coming. So, I’ll try to get up and suck it up. I mustn’t run away.
I’m here standing in a hospital. I asked the psychiatrist if I could come and he said he’ll be there.
When I got there, his secretary told me he’s done for the day and come back on Thursday.
Thursday. Thursday. I want to thrust a knife in my body right now.
Things I hate about my depression.
I can’t focus at all.
Feeling really empty and guilty
The domino effect. Bad things happen after another because I decided to skip a day and just lay down.
The constant thought of dying.
The sudden panic attacks or just the feeling of being on the edge of a cliff. Just there. Not falling but not exactly okay. Then breaking down.
Even though I’ve thought of changing, my body won’t listen.
Can’t eat normally. Hungry but will feel uneasy after two to three bites.
Being blind to good things.
Anxiety, man…
Worst of all is that I made my mom disappointed at herself.
I appreciate my mom sending me inspirational […]
Okay. I have seen a psychiatrist. He asked me a bunch of question(we still haven’t talked about stuffs though)
So, the conclusion for today is I’ll be taking antidepressant.
So, how does it work? Like, will you be able to stop thinking of death or will it just let me be less negative about things?
Will it change me? I’m feeling a little conflicted about this. I feel like if I kill this part of me, I’ll die somehow. I’ve been living with this for like 11 years now. Since I was 6. And well, suddenly killing it is… I […]
I was on an escalator at the mall. So I was there occupying a huge fucking space and there’s this woman who wants to go through. Seems on a hurry. She then says, “Excuse me.” With a firm tone. And I said sorry, which is a habit of mine, and she thanked me.
I don’t know about the others but this seriously warmth my heart. For a person who’s so busy, she didn’t forget to thank a person.
It was a nice feeling, really.
So, I had a new step grandfather and we only meet one month a year whenever they visited our country. So for short, we are of different race and culture. So, meaning to say, we have different ways of interacting.
So, umm. This month he took a liking to me. Like a grandfather. And I, who hate myself, is okay with it. BUT as I was saying, different. He would try to kiss me on the lips, his hands on my waist and ass. And most often when he’s hugging me, he would kiss me on my chest(not breast) Maybe, pure difference in the way we […]
Still not getting any better. Laugh at everything. Interact with anyone. But still none. I still want to die (But I can’t. A lot of things to reconsider. It’ll be my fault if mother would go crazy, father would go back to drugs. My brothers’ lives would be affected. My girlfriend would be depressed again. So many things to reconsider but sometimes I just want to end it all.)
So, I’ll just cut and burn instead of committing suicide. Alternatives. I still want to die.
A coward. That’s what I am. I kept on running and running and running away.
In the end, I’ll just cry. Nothing changed. […]