…after a week of not seeing her turns into both of us crying in a bar while she tells me that she can’t promise me to be that person who builds a life with me, and that i deserve to be in a relationship where i’m a priority but that she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I come home and get on some dating pas to cruise since we’re poly anyway and there’s nothing better than drowning your sorrow in another person and this boy tells me “i can’t date someone who is basically taken.” Now i know I wouldn’t want to […]
I feel better than I have in weeks. Still nervous and worried but I have a smile on my face. I am finding it difficult to focus. I’m finding it difficult to go on in certain ways. I need to figure certain things out. Maybe this isn’t what I’m meant to do in life. maybe I should run away. I’ve always wanted to run away, like Holden Caulfield. I think I should give this life a try and then see if I still feel the same in a few months.
I’ve gained some weight and I’m still getting use to my body. It feels like it […]
today was a mix of things. I am a little drunk. I had a bunch of mimosas with a coworker. delicious. Today was meant to be a busy but powerful and productive day.
I went to my old apartment where I paid my rent till the end of the month to discover that my ex roommates went into my room and “cleaned up.” They threw away different pieces of cardboard and plastic bags that I had left there. I went back to clean up and pick up some things I’d left today. I was shocked especially because some of the materials I left there, I left […]
Feeling overwhelmed, meds are working perhaps but not really. I don’t believe in meds, I’ll take em so i feel like I’m doing something but moving has helped. I’m in my own place now. nervous at the cost, nervous at the waste of space that it is to be in a one bedroom or for me to exist. Anxious that i will fail, always on the verge, always begging for death to pre-empt that so that folks can smile and admire how hard i worked and not how hard i fell. Nerves getting the best of me. I can’t focus, don’t want to focus. I’m […]
I was watching a video I made when I was 12 years old. I had similar feelings to the ones I feels now; “if my friend doesn’t want to make time to come to visit me and i’m doing all the work in visiting them, they’re aren’t my friend”
It kinda shocked me because I didn’t realized how deep and how far back these feelings go. Who knew.
Anyway, I moved to a new place recently, and though it lightens the load, I still feel heavy. Hopefully the excitement of change will distract me for a good time before I spiral again.
Lately I’ve been passing time by watching reality television. Before i never watched it and thought it was stupid. It is stupid and ridiculous but somehow watching rich white people is ridiculously hilarious at this point in life. Watched secret princes and am watching nyc prep.
Went to Baltimore a few weeks back, it was fun and nice to be out of my hellhole of a house. moving this week though art of me wants to give up. get up drink meds go to work get up drink meds, go to work. time passes and either way i must be getting closer to death.
Eating to pass […]
you choke on the blood.
I’m done with this.
Everyday at work I come here instead of doing what I should. i love to help people, I really do. I think that we all deserve kindness and patience and love and respect but don’t give it to each other. Life seems shitty.
I’m living with someone who use to be one of my best friends and someone who I thought was my friend. The former BF slept with someone I was sleeping with. It makes me angry yes, but what makes it terrible is that we had a conversation about their desire for each other where I communicated I would be uncomfortable with them sleeping […]
I don’t particularly like to sleep. Slept 7 hours last night, better than most nights. Guess I’m happy about that but my body is achey and tired and i want to stay in bed forever. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world lately. just a few weeks of not getting up on time, not starting my day. My therapist tells me to be proud of myself for getting to work at all. I want to be, I do.
I don’t know what I want. Life doesn’t really seem to have a point. The last few years I’ve been operating on the idea […]
I am at work feeling scattered and not quite apathetic just conflicted. part of me doesn’t care and wants to run out and leave and never come back. Part of me wants to stay because the work I do is important and does help people. Part of me hope an airplane crashes into my building and takes me out. Part of me is focused on the pain in my belly. Part of me is focused on my broken heart. Part of me is horny. Part of me never wants to be touched again for as long as I live.
Living is hard.
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