When life is tiresome and pointless then death has an almost magical allure, never to wake up again to a life of pain and loneliness, I wish I could have a quick way out but I seem to just keep going and putting up with it. I feel so embarrassed with my problems and it’s only a matter of time before I’ll suffer the humiliation of discovery and the doctors wonder why I suffer paranoia. If I hold on then I can’t guarantee my mental state as it fluctuates but I’m scared of death and I’m scared of living.
I suffer from depression, paranoia and loneliness, I really hate this life I lead,
there just seems no point to it, why do others have lives that they enjoy while I
struggle to get my backside out of bed each day. I dislike confident people most,
those who push themselves forward at the expense of others, I’m being swamped by them,
my voice drowned out. This guy at work is like those people, he thinks he’s so great,
always talking about himself and his wonderful life, I’m sure he talks about me to his
mates behind my back. I wish, and I may be pushing […]
I often wonder if listening to depressing music is good for me by giving me something to hold on to or just serves to increase my sadness. I remember, even as a teenager, preferring that kind of music to the more upbeat and cheerful tunes, I listened to both but the darker lyrics seem to speak to me much more than any other. I remember a tune that really got to me back then, the lyrics about loneliness and isolation touched me and hearing it twenty five years later, they still do. I’ll continue to listen even if it has, perhaps in a small way, […]
Depression is such an awful thing, I sit here looking through my window at the warm sunny day outside, at the people walking past in summery clothes, happy and content with their lives, I want to join them and yet, I struggle to get up out of bed, I struggle to get ready, let alone go out, all I have is an emptiness within me best suited to the cold; yes, I feel it most on warm sunny days.
Spent far too long thinking about it, it must be time soon; I used to believe drowning was the way, I used to live by the sea; there were a couple of navigation buoys out across the bay with flashing red lights on them which were out of sync but would flash in unison occasionally, I spent a long time at night sitting on the pier watching them wishing I had the courage to jump into the cold inviting water and die. I’m not there now, in the city instead, suppose there’s the Thames but somehow it’s not the same, there’d be a crowd watching […]
I seem to be going nowhere in life, just down hill, depression has robbed me of the little amount of get up and go I once had, I just wish I wasn’t here anymore.
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