Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for the future of civilization/mankind/humanity, to make a real progress & “leap jump” in the future. For example, I seriously think that the real, truest “meaning of life” is to make a HUGE progress, a sort of evolution, for the future. And for our Human species, in my opinion, the real purpose is to unlock our wildest potential: our human’s Imagination. And I’m talking about all those most creative, artistic, & imaginative human’s minds for example like in all those most imaginative, fantasy, sci-fi movies, games, novels, comics, anime/manga, and any other most amazing work of arts. So in my opinion, our humanity/mankind/civilization’s most important & biggest task is to turn all those imaginations into a reality. And that’s why I’m now a big/huge proponent & supporter, as well as very interested in technology such as: Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), and also Artificial Intelligence (AI), and also some thinking & concepts such as Transhumanism. But then again, sadly, the problem is I don’t know how to reach all those dreams & ideas of mine. And that is really depressing.
I’m a Chinese-Indonesian, living in Jakarta (Indonesia). And the biggest problem is the culture/society here, also the mindset of the people here. They’re all still mostly very conservative, traditional, & outdated mindset/perspective about life. Especially with my Asian/Chinese-Indonesian parents for example, they still only think that the only “meaning of life” or “purpose” is simply just to survive, find a good job (or business), and make money, & then get married, have kids/children, etc etc. But for me, this can’t be all there is to life; Life should be so much more than that! But then, another biggest problem that I do realize and finally admit now is that, sadly, perhaps it’s all due to the many flaws in my personalities too: I listen too much to what other people/person say, I care too much (deeply), I’m easily down & depressed, & I also lack the ‘drive’/energy/motivation (and this is why perhaps I appear to be just “lazy” in the eyes of most people, including in my parents’ eyes), especially this year, when my Existential Depression just getting so much worse to the point of even being suicidal (having suicidal thoughts/fantasy/ideations almost everyday).
I’m 40 years old this year, and here I am now, in reality, I’m still living with my parents, almost can be viewed as jobless/unemployed, or even a hikikomori (a shut-in recluse only staying at my room most of the time). The situation is now even getting much worse, with my family/parents’ problems, stress, plus now my little brother is also a depressed shut-in just like me, so my Chinese father especially, who is almost 70 years old now, is really disappointed, stressed, & perhaps even having a (severe) depression, because in his eyes, his sons are still a complete failure, and a total loser, because we are still not financially independent, still living in their houses & dependent on them for food, bills, etc etc. I’m also basically jobless/unemployed, and not interested at all to run his (my father’s) businesses, which are also currently going through perhaps the most difficult time of all times (financially, I don’t know & really afraid that perhaps even my parents’ money will run out soon or later), especially due to this COVID-19/corona pandemic situation.
I also don’t know what to do. I’m lost, confused, depressed, suicidal, & feel like an alien. I can’t relate to most people/Human beings. I’m too “way out”, lost in my own thoughts, idealisms, visions, & all these “big/huge ideas” that I basically just don’t know anymore HOW/WHAT to do? Reality is depressing, very depressing, boring, limiting, & to be honest, this whole existence is just stupid, pointless, & meaningless for me now. My existential depression/crisis is getting much worse now, probably even the worst now, like I’ve said above, everyday now I’m even having suicidal ideations/fantasy/thoughts, and for me now, I’m seriously thinking that perhaps to die (death) is better than to live (just only to survive/for survival everyday).