Author

Jay

Call me Jay. I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and gender dysphoria. I've been "chronically suicidal" since I was a child. I have problems with self-harming behavior. I'm a grown-ass adult. I'm soon-to-be-divorced, a single parent to a special-needs child, and I have a job and a landlord and I might be having a mid-life crisis. grown-ups get suicidal, too. I wish I could grow out of this.

why can’t i just…

by Jay 5/1/2014

written by Jay

stop.

why can’t I stop playing this in-between. I’m not getting any better, I CAN’T get any better until certain things happen that just aren’t happening, that are out of my reach. And I can’t end it either. Why the fuck can’t I just do one or the other?

NO it’s not a matter of positive thinking. NO it’s not like I don’t know what I need. I know what I need and I can’t fucking GET it. That’s the problem. Why don’t I just MAKE the attempt so that they HAVE to listen?

No, I’m not making it up. No, doing fucking yoga isn’t going to help. […]

5/1/2014 2 comments

tell me not to

by Jay 4/29/2014

written by Jay

I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnels’ collapsed, and I don’t have the strength to dig my way through it. tell me it’ll stop hurting one day. tell me there’s even a reason to try. tell me i just need to think more positive when the only way out of this is a sheer cliff coated in barbed wire. and before you try to tell me that it’s not that bad, *yes, it fucking is*. I’m not an idiot. This feeling isn’t new. I have looked at all the options and all the paths ahead of me and […]

4/29/2014 2 comments

by Jay 4/6/2014

written by Jay

today it’s different. i dont actively want to destroy myself, to hurl myself off of something high or slice open my arms and bleed out. i just kind of don’t want to be alive anymore. i want to dissapear. or maybe go to sleep and never wake up. i’m sick of hurting. it’s like no matter what I do I can’t relieve this pressure. it builds and builds, and i can let off some of the steam but never enough to make it get any better. i’m just barely able to keep my head above water. i’m like a duck, nobody knows how hard i’m […]

4/6/2014 1 comment

the first time

by Jay 4/3/2014

written by Jay

I was ten the first time i tried to kill myself. I don’t even remember why, exactly. But I do know that it wasn’t “serious” enough (how can a ten year old make a serious attempt?) to do any real damage, and I was able to hide that I’d done it. And I knew to hide it because I knew, even back then, that you Did Not Talk About It.

I’m not a fan of religion for a number of reasons, but a big one is because I grew up in the kind of religious environment where being unhappy was considered a moral failing. If you […]

4/3/2014 2 comments

by Jay 4/2/2014

written by Jay

missed work today and i hate myself for it. i couldn’t even call in, because i could not physically get out of bed to reach my phone. god dammit. what is wrong with me?
i am so damn sick and I can’t get the treatment that i need to get better. My current therapist is useless, and has misgendered me more than once. I can’t even go to a physical doctor without panicking that they’ll make me take my clothes off.
trying to treat one thing without the other things just isn’t working anymore. i dont’ even know what i need, but I need /something/. […]

4/2/2014 3 comments

by Jay 4/1/2014

written by Jay

i think i took too many pills tonight. no worries–not nearly enough to overdose. i’m just a little pleasantly high.
i don’t really feel up to telling my story just now, just trying to vent. but i got a lot of shit going on. and i can’t get help for a lot of it. sometimes i think that maybe i don’t even WANt to get better. i am just so tired of fighting. and sometimes i think i will never get to where i want to be. I’m just … tired. and have a major case of the sads.
and my dysphoria keeps me up […]

4/1/2014 1 comment