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NotReallyHereAtAll

‘suicidal but okay’

by NotReallyHereAtAll 4/17/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

Today at school people were joking and pretending I’m suicidal because I made a thoughtless yet jokey comment about my life having no purpose.

Their teasing made me laugh a bit.

Because they don’t know how right they are at times, which is entertaining.

They’re aware of my darkest secret without realising the truth of it, that it wasn’t just a joke.

They don’t know that throughout my History lesson today, I was considering what to write in a suicide note.

It’s not like I’m likely to actually do it today, or tomorrow, or next year and it’s likely I’ll never need it, but it seems like something that should […]

4/17/2012 5 comments

Insanity

by NotReallyHereAtAll 4/14/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I was happy yesterday. However, it was a strange kind of happy. It was a happiness where I was really nothing like myself. The friend I was with remarked that I was being crazier than usual, and I knew that I was.It scared me, because although I felt happy, it wasn’t me in there being happy, if that makes any sense. I felt like something or someone else had taken over my body. I felt out of control and like I said, crazier than usual.

These days my emotions are dramatically heightened- when I am happy I go into this scarily different and kind of manic […]

4/14/2012 6 comments

forever alone in my insanity…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 4/7/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I’m screwed up and I’m broken and I don’t know how or why I came to be like this. Nothing horrible has ever happened to me and from the outside, I have a perfect life.

But somehow, I am not normal. I am steadily going completely insane and nobody has noticed, because I keep it from them. I hide my craziness because I shouldn’t have it. I don’t deserve it.

It doesn’t make logical sense for me to feel this way, but still I know that I’m screwed up. Completely and utterly fucked up and insane.

I’m too many contradictions. I don’t make sense. I can’t even explain […]

4/7/2012 9 comments

take a look inside my fucked up mind…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 4/6/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

Today I found out that my Great Grandmother died of pneumonia last night in hospital. And I felt nothing. We were fairly close and I liked her far more than my Grandma. But when I heard she’d died… nothing. Nothing at all. I felt nothing for her death.

What makes me sad is the impact it has on the rest of my family.Â I nearly cry when I think about my Great Grandad having to hear his wife’s passed away and my Grandad hearing he’s lost his mother. It makes me really sad to see my mum so not herself. I can’t help but comfort my relentlessly […]

4/6/2012 4 comments

The Irony Of That Conversation…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/30/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I said: “Everyone has problems.”

You said: “You don’t. Your life is perfect.”

I didn’t argue.

But I did come on here right after you left and started writing this whilst inside me everything’s all jumbled up and messy and broken.

We all have our problems, okay.Â I might not have a horrible home life like you. I might not have been through the same things as you. But let me promise you: I have plenty of problems.

Yes, I have what looks like the perfect life- loving family, nice house, plenty of money etc. And I do actually have all of those things. My parents raised me perfectly and I […]

3/30/2012 6 comments

All too aware…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/29/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

When I think about life and the meaning of it, I realise that there actually isn’t any meaning to it at all. Basically, the less than 100 years given to us on the planet are nothing compared to the infinity of death waiting for us.

Life is fleeting and death is eternal. What’s even the point?

For every second of our lives, there’s an infinity of death out there, biding its time.

I understand the whole ‘you make your own meaning’ thing about life, and that it’s ‘what you make it’, but that doesn’t give it any more relevance in my opinion.

Right now I’m actually happy, which makes […]

3/29/2012 2 comments

How Do You Live?

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/25/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I want to live, I really, truly do. It’s just that right now, I feel like I’m surviving and life is simply passing me by and I have no idea what to do about it. I mean, I want to die right now because my life means nothing and I’m worried it will forever be like this.

How do you get the confidence to just live? It seems to me that living takes a lot of strength. To me, the difference between living and surviving is simply that feeling of being alive. I don’t feel alive, but I’m surviving anyway. So yeah, I don’t feel alive […]

3/25/2012 4 comments

Tired.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/22/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I just slept for a long time, but all I can say is that right now I feel exhausted.

I’m tired of everything in my life at the moment.

I’m tired of the endless monotony of school and exams. I have a countdown to summer in my Planner, but knowing I still have 95 days does not do a lot to comfort me.

I’m tired of people, and the person I’m expected to be.

I’m tired of myself, and the person I’m too afraid to be.

I’m tired of the fact that everywhere I’m just not good enough anymore.

I can’t do anything properly and just fuck it all up when […]

3/22/2012 4 comments

Wondering What You’ll All Think of This…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/19/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

What happened to us? What happened to the world? Why is this site filled with Â so many of us technically healthy people trying to destroy ourselves?

But do we blame the world? Or do we blame ourselves? Am I depressed thanks to unbalanced serotonin? Am I suicidal because depression’s genetic and mine is confusing? Do we blame science? Do we blame society? Do we blame each other? Is it the fault 0f previous generations? Did our parents feel this way? Is it normal for a teenager to feel tired of living?

So many questions surround this topic, and it seems to me that the core question of […]

3/19/2012 8 comments

What I Want

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/19/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I think I want the world to end.

I want the whole Mayan calender 12/21/12 thing to be true.

If the world does end then, that’s a week before my 17th.

I can’t ever imagine myself being older that I am now, is that a sign?

I feel so selfish for wanting the world to end.

But that is what I want.

I want to wake up one day but not wake up the next.

But I can’t do it for myself.

Because that would destroy my family.

Also, I’m far too stubborn to give up on life.

It makes me laugh that my stubbornness is basically what’s keeping me alive.

What does that say about […]

3/19/2012 3 comments

Happy, Sad, Lost and Confused.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/18/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I have happy moments. Immensely happy moments. However, at the back of my mind there’s always that darkness there. It’s like I’ll be doing something great and fun and I’ll be feeling great, then I suddenly think to myself about whether I’m still desperate to disappear. The answer’s always ‘Yes’. That scares me. When I’m having a darker day, things feel worse, but it bothers me that even on my better days, I’d still rather be elsewhere.

I want to go back to when I never questioned my existence.

I want to laugh today without considering the tears of tomorrow.

I want to have good days unquestionably.

I want […]

3/18/2012 2 comments

Broken, Weak, Powerless.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/11/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I’m the good girl in my family. The smiling one. The girl who’s always offering to help out around the house. The girl my parents have never really had to worry about. I only ever argue with my sister, and I get on really well with almost my whole family. I’m the bright, spirited one. I have an opinion on everything, but I accept everyone. I’m the kind and loving girl and my parents constantly tell me how much I mean to them.

But that’s changed so suddenly.

In just a matter of days, I’ve fallen apart.

The thoughts have been there for years, but only now are […]

3/11/2012 4 comments

I want to disappear.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/10/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I want to disappear. I don’t think I want to die as such, I just don’t want to exist, either.

That’s it really, I just don’t want to exist anymore. If I could just flick a switch and not be here anymore, I would. I would do it straight away, no questions asked. I suppose that switch is basically a permanent one, a switch of life or death.

That’s the thing though, I’m unsure whether it’s suicide I want. I want to not be here but I don’t want to be dead.

So am I suicidal? Is it suicidal to just want to disappear?

I hate the word ‘suicide’, […]

3/10/2012 33 comments

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