I’m screwed up and I’m broken and I don’t know how or why I came to be like this. Nothing horrible has ever happened to me and from the outside, I have a perfect life.
But somehow, I am not normal. I am steadily going completely insane and nobody has noticed, because I keep it from them. I hide my craziness because I shouldn’t have it. I don’t deserve it.
It doesn’t make logical sense for me to feel this way, but still I know that I’m screwed up. Completely and utterly fucked up and insane.
I’m too many contradictions. I don’t make sense. I can’t even explain what’s wrong with me. There’s just something about me that’s wrong.
There’s something wrong in the way my actions never make sense, even to me.
There’s something wrong in the fact that I trust no one, although I’ve never been let down before.
There’s something in the way I’m terrified of life, but accepting of death.
There’s something in the way I just feel nothing a lot of the time, completely empty.
There’s something in the way I can sleep for too long and still be exhausted.
There’s something in the way I feel either beautiful or ugly, never an in-between.
There’s something in the way I can go for weeks acting like a total stranger, then switch right back
There’s something in the way I’ve been thinking of my own death for years now.
There’s something in the way I never let anyone close enough to know me.
There’s something in the way my moods can switch from ecstatic to furious to depressed in a matter of minutes.
There’s something in the way I believe in love, but for everyone but me.
There’s something in the way cutting made no impact on me whatsoever, it made me feel still more empty and unfeeling.
There’s something in the way I want to help people, but can’t help myself.
There’s something in the way I’m completely capable of achieving amazing things, but I can’t make myself care enough to bother.
There’s something in the way I worry that my Mum has noticed there’s something wrong with me.
There’s something in the way I feel that life is not worthwhile, it’s all just a lead-up to an eternity of death.
There’s something in the way I admire religion, but never believe in any of it.
There’s something in the way I want to die, but don’t want anyone to have to find my corpse.
There’s just something wrong with me.
Can anyone say what’s wrong with me?
9 comments
You’ve already highlighted what feels wrong to you. Question is whether you want to change them.
maybe you’ve been waking up to your spiritual nature
I believe a human being is an embodied essence and that death means a release of the essence .. we are essences/spirits having an earthly experience & the problem for some of us is we can become “more aware than we should”, start to feel like we’re very limited in this earthly plane and it leads to this unexplained boredom and an eagerness to be gone
http://www.maya12-21-2012.com/spiritual-awakening.html
does the text make sthg resonate in you ?
* awakening
i can relate to most of the things you said are wrong with you. but if you really want to know your problem isn’t any of those. it is actually you are to different from most people and you just said things most people think are weird or not right or even bad. but think about it do you think you’re weird? different or even bad or not right. no your one of a kind perfect the way you are. Just go with the flow and remember that you are unique amazing great if you try in school you will strive, succeed i want to die so f***ing bad. but i tried to hang myself and that’s not the way i want to go. i decided i want to overdose but i have to wait a few years then do it. and who knows maybe i want it bad enough that before i can overdose something will happen to me and i’ll die without having to take matters into my own hands. nobody knows. life has a never ending amount of possibilities just let things work themselves out and if your mum knows if she is a good mother she will get you help so if it gets bad enough tell her. My dad got to here i had problems from the cops and so we don’t talk anymore. just control your life its yours to bend and twist at your will but that doesn’t mean just end it you have so much ahead of you don’t just throw it all away. i may not know you but i care. my depression gets worse and worse every year. i almost just killed myself last night. i wrote a suicide letter to those who i love and i was ready to go. but i couldn’t and so i got to thinking and that’s when i got the plan to overdose when i’m about 22 if things aren’t better by then. so all i’m asking is please take my advice and take control of what your going through and maybe keep a journal to let out what your feeling. i want to help you but i guess i should help myself first. i want to die i’m just not ready yet. i need a few years and some more pills. i could get them from a friend and they would probably give them to me but then i would need to wait a while give my self time to think you know. don’t let this change your opinion about me if you’re older than me but i’m a 14 year old boy with some huge problems. problems like yours the kind that matter to other people the kind that if people knew they would not want to talk to you. but let them judge they have their own opinions just think to yourself every day “there is nothing wrong with me” and things will get better. thinking about it i need to take my own advice sometimes the only person that can help you is you.
I laughed when u said ” I’m too many contradictions”.
I know what u mean. No ones ever the same thing at once
Nothing is wrong with you.
You are just you.
Just seems like the only thing that might help is a goal that inspires you to act on it.
A paradox-maybe bipolar-i don’t know but you sound beautiful and mesmerizing.
I’m in exactly the same place as you…. except, I’m not ‘terrified of life,’ im tired of it. i’m only 23, make good money, don’t work too hard.. and get fucked up on anything I can get my hands on, every weekend. currently watching the walls melt and these letters dance, lol.
which probably explains how I found this blog….. but really, if you’re sick of sycophants saying you’re mesmerising and want someone similar to talk to, hit me back.
complete sympathy and understanding of these feelings; no answer, no positive spin. This is how I feel.