Oldone

So about 3 weeks ago I went to the hospital for what should have been a routine heart catheterization. I’ve had 4 done previously with no problems. Well the cath went well, no blockages this time around and I had previously quit smoking after 47 years so I should have been in great shape right now, but…

Just as the catheterization team was closing things up so I could go home everything suddenly turned straight to shit. Don’t pass go, no $200, etc. I nearly bought the whole farm.
The site where they punctured the artery to do the initial cath suddenly ruptured and I quickly […]

So my drunk son, now 39 seems to believe I’ve never been there for him despite the fact his own mother walked out of our lives when he was just 2 years old so I raised both him and his sister since birth. He likes to wallow in self pity and play the victim after racking up multiple DUI and other charges. The kids mother has NEVER so much as offered a single cent to their upbringing or well being
Anyway, I believed for a long time that I was an inadequate father and some time ago I quit drinking and got myself into […]

Age is happening to me whether I want it or not and I’m closer to dying of old age than I’ve ever been. Now I have decisions to make. I’m not a big fan of dying of old age. It robs us of so much and places undue burdens on those we love so much.
I wrote about this in another post in my last comment to the post.

This is likely my last post

Perhaps you may want to read it, perhaps not, but it’s there.

I’ve reached the point of no longer caring. There are people I care about, but the pain I feel, the depression, the constant struggle is too much now. I have about 5 days till I get paid. I’ll withdraw everything in my bank accounts for cash, box it up and send to my grown kids. They both live 1000 miles away. My tools go to my son hopefully and I’m planning my exit. I have the means to go painlessly and quietly. How others cope with me being gone will be tough for them and will likely linger far longer than I hope, but I […]

Lately I can do no right . Everything even remotely annoying to my significant other is my fault.  Even things that I’m not even around when they happen are my fault. I don’t talk enough, I talk too much . I never want to listen to her never ending rants that have become so utterly redundant and repeated and I commit the unforgiveable sin of rolling my eyes whenever the same old rant starts over again.
As much as I want to love her it’s becoming increasingly difficult as nothing I say, don’t say ,do or don’t do is always wrong. The temptation to pack […]

I used to write suicide notes in an attempt to explain the to people around me just why I wanted to die, but nothing I could say would ever satisfy anyone.
Nobody would ever go, “Oh, I get it now and good for you deciding to die! Good luck!”
It just doesn’t work like that and every time, even people who despise you will call police or 911 if for no other reason than  to get the ‘I called’ brownie points.  They want the credit for saving a life even if they could care less about you and your problems.
On the flip side perhaps […]

I used to find enjoyment in many things, food, people, gardening, woodworking and other things, but slowly and steadily it’s all been extracted and replaced with stuff to make others happy at my expense . Why I allowed it to happen is a mystery.
Until a few years ago I was broke most times and I still got by. I still enjoyed simple pleasures like a cigarette in the morning with my coffee, cooking enjoyable food for myself and others, making things with my hands. I loved growing flowers.

I thought I had met the perfect woman in my life, and at first she liked my […]

We’ve all heard about suicide being the cowards way out, but is it cowardly for everyone, every time? Even if it is then so what? Who gets to determine whether my way out is cowardly or the bravest possible thing to do to spare the survivors in my life?  Perhaps I really don’t want to burden my kids with having to care for a cantankerous, mean and sometimes selfish old man. I know how that feels. I’ve been a caregiver for the better part of the past 20 years. I’m still doing it and probably will for many years to come. I find little joy […]

I’ve been doing this for years now, sticking around so other people don’t have to feel bad about my death.
I’m 57, going on 58 and have tried many times to do myself in and have obviously failed at it every time.
Now I can do just that rather easily with a method I now know would work with no pain involved except for the mental pain of getting to the point of actually doing it.
The reason for wanting to die doesn’t make sense to the people in my life, but to me it makes perfect sense. I’m not respected for my opinions and […]