I had a whole long thing written here about how being an introvert sucks and having what I guess you could call social anxiety has turned me into a social pariah, but it didn’t exactly flow well because I just sort of dumped all of my thoughts onto the page, so I deleted it. Anyway, looks like I wasted another half hour and I still have a lot of homework to finish for tomorrow. Well, technically it’s now due later today. I guess I won’t be getting much, if any, sleep tonight. Life is a *****.
I’m sorry I don’t meet their expectations for me.
I’m sorry I can’t find the motivation to work hard anymore.
I’m sorry I thought they would always be there for me.
I’m sorry I can’t stand the sight of my own reflection.
I’m sorry that I always sleep too much or not enough.
I’m sorry that I feel the need to lie to everyone about my feelings.
I’m sorry for wanting to kill myself,
and I’m sorry for not offing myself already.
Tonight my parents found an empty beer bottle in my room. (I’ve taken to drinking when I feel down) They made a big deal out of it, unaware that the same night I drank it I had also downed a considerable amount of rum and two more beers. The other bottles were hidden only a few feet from the one they found, and there have been countless other drinks I’ve had that I threw out any evidence of. I think I might be an alcoholic, on top of being plagued by suicidal thoughts. My parents were quick to point out to me that there have been […]
Words are wind
Gentle summer breezes, the kind that I’m always waiting for but that never seem to arrive.
Winds that bear rain down upon me. Every raindrop is just more bad news, each one building on the last to create an overwhelming flood.
Cold winter winds, that pierce through even the thickest coat, and cut straight into my heart and soul.
Fierce wind storms, tornadoes, that tear down my shelter and leave me broken and battered, but still alive to feel the pain.
Words are wind, they always say.
But who says wind can’t hurt you?
The only way I seem to feel slightly happy is intoxicated. And even then, it’s not that I’m really happy so much as I don’t care about my problems. I tried to give up drinking and smoking weed last july, but about two weeks ago I caved. Apparently the only time people seem to enjoy my company is when I’m messed up on something. A few days ago, a couple guys who I hadn’t seen in a while showed up at my house, and convinced me to get high. I was happy to have anyone around, so it wasn’t difficult for them to persuade me. […]
Once again I find myself feeling like I’m stuck on my own pathetic little island lost in a sea of misery.
I send out countless notes in bottles everyday, hoping to be rescued, but I doubt most of them are ever found, and the few that are don’t seem to make sense, maybe I’m losing my wits.
The thin straight scars on my left wrist are like an S.O.S. sign made with rocks on the beach, too small and insignificant to be seen.
I’d make a signal fire, but this island is too cold and damp with despair for any sort of hope to ignite.
Oh well, looks like […]
I feel like I’m slowly drowning, being overwhelmed by my life. I’m only 16 years old, and I’ve had thoughts about killing myself since I was in 8th grade (I’m a junior in high school now). I’m not really sure how they started, or even why. I was doing well in school at the time, and there weren’t any problems at home. For whatever reason I was tormented by this feeling of worthlessness, maybe it was because I didn’t have a lot of friends, I’ve always been sort of an introvert. When I got into high school, my older brother started doing really poorly in […]