ive learnt how to block everything up now, not to say how you really feel… people honestly dont care. but im just writing here because i need to get it out, as soon as i speak about stuff i close up and change the subject but writing it, i can cry as much as i want and still its all comprehensible.ok my life is great, my parents care about me, im a scholar with a grade 8 for LAMDA and % for theory of music. I have a passion; horses, everything to do with being outside, nature, science, english lit and lang.
But i hate […]
and again im on here, talking it through helps, i cant talk to people i know about stuff, im always too busy making sure i come accross strong and confident, covering my ass with lies. its been over a year now since it all happened, i say it was a spur of the moment thing, me and a guy i hardly knew, i was 14 and he was 18, on concrete by a public footpath in the middle of winter. they believed it, i mean why would i openly go there? who would want that? it still hurts to remember it all, yet however much […]
im 15, i was intelligent and social and was great at my sport, riding ( debate if its a spot or not, to me it is) but after wasting two weeks of my life doing two seperate all round scholarship examinations i still couldnt afford to get in. i gave up. i was vulnerable, and insecure, my selfesteen dropped, i let guys twice my age use me for sex. i let them get me high, they told me it would make me happy. the school found out everything made a big deal. turns out one guy was a close friend of my best friend of […]
anyone who has a horse will know how close you can become, how easy it is to open up to them, how intuitive they are, never judging you just trusting you depending on you, my horse was my best friend, id sleep in the corner of ou stables and hed nuzzle me, and wipe my tears oh his nose. when he got ill, i kouldnt stand seeing him in such a state, my national champion boy could barely walk, a bone problem he was born with. soon after he got put down. its been over 6 months now, and theres been no one there, i […]
so the moment cam breaks up with me and changes his status i start getting emails and texts from guys that i just said ‘NO’ too, my excuse being that i had a boyfriend, they brought it and didnt bother me much… but now the school rugby team keeps calling up asking how much i charge? i get texts from guys ive only heard rumours about asking if id Do them, i dont even know how they got my number. They’ve all called me a slut for a year or so now…. they believed my lie that id consented and not been forced into it… […]
i look through my contacts, knowing that no one understands me, i cant talk to anyone about why im in such a mess, i feel sick because i’ve been crying and cutting and pushing my body to its limits. why me? why am i like thiss… x
time does not ease me of my pain.
the remnance of his lies, his face
still rest uneasy on my brain.
when one can bare no longer
the scars that run deep in my emotions,
now merge and run deep in my flesh.
now physically and mentally
branded by my troubled days,
i cannot get away from the cold hands of shame.
to him this is a game, to bring me endless pain
through stiring my past and blocking
my happiness in every way.
today my life is tainted by this
everlasting shede of darkness that shrowds
my living days. one day I will end my shameful ways.
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