About to charcoal my way out of here.. I’ve had enough of my existence… lets this be my final frontier.. I’m done with the voices… thoughts.. memories and dreams of people that I’ll never see again. I’m anxious about it but I won’t let that stop me… I can’t forget why I’m even doing this and have gone out the way to set it up… I obviously have a valid reason and being scared is making me forget why I want to kms.. it won’t stop me this time.. I have nothing to look forward to in the morning day I wake up and I won’t act like it now bc I’m scared which ig is normal anyway… I know this from experience of crying each day and losing my fking mind with out a valid plan in life.. let it be peace and darkeness of not a thought or Conscience to realize ANYTHING I hope…. I’m DONE.. I’ve been abandon and I know why deep inside.. I can’t get along with the public… ever… it’s hard to stay productive w/o blasting off at someone….for some reason I always think they are trying me… and i swear I will end up hurting someone if I don’t do this…
It’s so ironic how when what I’m feeling at the exact moment of a plan suicide.. I wander to this site from not being on it for a short while and I see a post that literally describes my emotions and circumstances all at once.. like there’s a different me out there who posted for me…so much alike in our misfortunes.. I’m sorry to the other me… I feel your pain and wish you nothing but peace for you though I understand how it feels to rot inside. Win the lottery and runaway
I hate my fking life… I can’t fathom how I feel. I’m empty in almost every expect. Who tf am I? Who have I been sense I was old enough to realize my surroundings and my personal wellbeing.. Why was all this intended on me? Why do I continue to grasp hope to just lose hope all over again..I cant accept this fate.. I want to die.. I’m ready to do something extremely stupid aka KMS.
I attempted where i configured a ratchet strap around my neck.. with my hoodie up to pad my neck tied in the front. I was confident this would work in the outcome of killing me.. this was my very first true real attempt without coming out with any physical or mental injury’s. I remember pacing in and out the room trying to gain confindence to pull it off because i was getting Anxiety on how dark this all was… pushing forward i was ratcheting to tighten and un ratcheting to losen every time i thought i was about to Lose consciousness and the thought while doing this was “why am i doing this?” I know why… but to the extent of having to kill my self..? “what is happening to me?” “How did i get here”? “This is sad and fucked up”… like a big question game going on in my head. After tightening and untightening so many times I passed out before I could Un tighten again.. I completely loss consciousness but was considered a syncope Bc I woke up. soon as I notice that sitting on the floor at the bottom edge of my bed I took the ratchet strap off turning on the light.. looked around my room an notice my tv was almost half way across my room…what the tv stood on was broken… cords to the tv were pulled apart.. my body trashing around after I lost consciousness apparently did all this but I couldn’t make sense of it.. Im thinking of giving it another try Expect this time not going in and out making it uncertain If that’s why the strap wasn’t tight enough making it the reason that I’ve woken up or the thrashing around idk.. just feels ballzy to commit a true second time knowing things. The emotionally feelings are skyrocketing at this point for me..