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Failed Attempt leading to another

by Pained

I attempted where i configured a ratchet strap around my neck.. with my hoodie up to pad my neck tied in the front. I was confident this would work in the outcome of killing me.. this was my very first true real attempt without coming out with any physical or mental injury’s. I remember pacing in and out the room trying to gain confindence to pull it off because i was getting Anxiety on how dark this all was… pushing forward i was ratcheting to tighten and un ratcheting to losen every time i thought i was about to Lose consciousness and the thought while doing this was “why am i doing this?” I know why… but to the extent of having to kill my self..? “what is happening to me?” “How did i get here”? “This is sad and fucked up”… like a big question game going on in my head. After tightening and untightening so many times I passed out before I could Un tighten again.. I completely loss consciousness but was considered a syncope Bc I woke up. soon as I notice that sitting on the floor at the bottom edge of my bed I took the ratchet strap off turning on the light.. looked around my room an notice my tv was almost half way across my room…what the tv stood on was broken… cords to the tv were pulled apart.. my body trashing around after I lost consciousness apparently did all this but I couldn’t make sense of it.. Im thinking of giving it another try Expect this time not going in and out making it uncertain If that’s why the strap wasn’t tight enough making it the reason that I’ve woken up or the thrashing around idk.. just feels ballzy to commit a true second time knowing things. The emotionally feelings are skyrocketing at this point for me..


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madhurgupta 4/28/2018 - 5:47 am

What makes you feel pained?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 6:51 am

My Past, present, and future.

TheEnd 4/28/2018 - 7:43 am

That’s really weird about destroying your room and not knowing it. But that’s what they say happens. Do you remember feeling physical pain? Also do you remember anything about being unconscious/dead? Bright lights and all that bs. Or was it just blackness?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 3:19 pm

Felt no physical pain.. all my senses were gone. No bright lights, complete blackness for the moment I was unconscious including also when I thrashed around.. The only thing I truly felt was being extremely light headed and dizzy before I passed out

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 6:59 pm

I’m thinking of hanging myself, partial suspension.
Can you please reply to this comment. So that I know you are still here.
I’m thinking that in a week and a half, I’m going to hang myself. I live in california, where do you live?

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 7:10 pm

I have some questions for you that I would be interested in knowing, when do you plan to attempt again?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 7:18 pm

I’m sad to hear that I’m sorry.. sad for both of us really…i honestly don’t know how far I can disclose about methods on this forum.. but for your knowledge tbh partial suspension can be tricky..difficult to do.. painful if not done right.. I choose what I did for a reason knowing the force of it.. California is Beautiful btw.. I’m currently now in Texas and I hate it or it’s probably bc I hate my self/life.. I’ve traveled to a lot of places moving back and forth.. visiting California was one of a kind and I enjoyed while I was there for a short while.

Pained 4/28/2018 - 7:24 pm

It’s gotten to the point of every night is a planned attempt.. unfortunately its not easy to do.. knowing a lot of things.. My biggest issue with attempting is pushing my self to go unconscious… like with standing the intense dizzy light head feeling… and the thought of going in to complete darkness…

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 7:32 pm

I know what you mean. I been practicing how I would do it, but I haven’t passed out, I just feel that I’m close to passing out. I have to fix some paperwork for my mest up family. It’s difficult waiting, when you know you eventually going to do it.
I would appreciate staying in touch tonight, messaging back in forth.
When I read your post, It caught my attention because I feel the same way.
I’m 32 years old and I’m a male.

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 7:54 pm

How old are you?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 8:22 pm

21, male.

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 8:52 pm

Oh man you are young, how long have you felt suicidal for?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 9:38 pm

Intensely for about a good solid 2 years on and off in between. Just now it’s a full scale with major Suicidal ideations.. failing to ever Resurrect my life ever again… on a Merry go round Of wanting to die… I’m ready to die… its hard to die.. it’s a big push I mentally have to take to want to truly die… fighting a body survival instinct.. I swear to god I’m better off dead then to feel this way for the rest of my future existence to just die anyway.. I tell myself a lot “I’m going to die anyway” It’s an avoidable.. “why not end it now”?.. What about you?

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 9:46 pm

I have only felt suicidal twice in my life. Once about 6 years ago. But for a long time I was just depressed, now I been thinking about suicide for about 2 months.
I don’t want to kill myself, but I feel I have to, it’s either killing myself or living a life of misery, I see my life as an uphill battle with no room for improvement. I don’t see why I should live my entire life depressed. I’m thinking the sooner I kill myself the better.
But I’m scared of dying too.
I’m pretty pathetic.

Pained 4/28/2018 - 10:17 pm

Pathetic is harsh to say about yourself… sorry you feel this way though I may feel the same in a lot of Scenarios… I get your point entirely.. I bet it feels like you’re stuck.. I’ve managed to almost get it done but something was off about what I did.. I’m thinking the strap wasn’t tight enough to keep me unconscious that’s my best guess… it takes nerves to do this… a lot of not caring about shit.. I’m thinking one more good true try at it.. this time no going in and out tightening and And loosening the strap… I just know it fucking sucks and the whole process is sad… I try to keep myself calm as possible during the attempts…

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 10:19 pm

Have you talked to anyone in person about this?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 10:22 pm

I will say.. once you lose consciousness it’s like nothing ever happened… like you never Existed.. like a sleep with no dream… I felt not pain or one emotionally feeling during that time..

Pained 4/28/2018 - 10:25 pm

I have not.. i have no one true to talk to about this or though I feel comfortable talking about it… I don’t think they’d understand… I just think it be a story they’d consume by hearing and maybe comprehend besides that I’m judged after words.. then one day hold against it.. I keep it inside In the real world.

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 10:28 pm

Is there anything anyone can do for you, so you don’t kill yourself?

Pained 4/28/2018 - 10:42 pm

I don’t think so.. I’m haunted by psychotic episodes I’ve had in the past with relationships and opportunities that I’ve destroyed.. I don’t like who I am in general.. scars to remind me.. memories to remind me again.. there’s not help I want truthfully. I want peace from my existence. The journey ahead alone with any help seems unworth it…

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 11:28 pm

Hey sorry, I had to answer a phone call. I hope we can message each other back and forth tonight, since I have to wait to kill myself, I can’t be around happy people since they don’t know how I feel.

definitelyworried 4/28/2018 - 11:44 pm

Knowing that I’m going to kill myself in a week and a half makes me feel so depressed,but sometimes I feel like it will be peace at last.
It’s a mix of weird feelings.

Pained 4/29/2018 - 12:18 am

If I may ask what’s your reason for putting it off for that specific amount of time? Do you think you’d be truly ready? I’ve mentioned it’s like a everynight situation of a plan attempt for me until I just do it.

definitelyworried 4/29/2018 - 12:32 am

I want to make sure something goes to my mom, because she has been nice to me. I know it will hurt a few people. But I have to wait, who knows maybe something will make me change my mind, but I can’t get my hopes up.
It’s crazy, there is something my dad and brother could do to help me out, but they are not taking my threats very seriously. Which pushes me even more to the edge.

definitelyworried 4/29/2018 - 12:36 am

So it sounds like you going with strangulation, which is similar to partial suspension.
I know we can’t talk about methods here. So we wont.
I notice how a lot of famous people use partial hanging, and I notice how a lot of people could have stood up but they didnt, seems to me that could mean it’s not to painful at least at first.
But I wonder if people get nightmares for those 20 mins or so it takes the heart to stop.

Pained 4/29/2018 - 12:40 am

I see

Pained 4/29/2018 - 12:50 am

My goal is to shut my carotid arterys off by compressing them… dying of a lack of oxygen to my brain.. first going unconscious then dying while unconscious [NOT FEELING A THING] I’m not considerably choking maybe a little but not to a huge extent to where it hurts…also the last thing to worry about is nightmares trust me.. what you need to worry about is can you really pull it off by over coming your survival instinct… it’s a scary thing… failing/being saved could put you worse off too…

definitelyworried 4/29/2018 - 1:06 am

What time are you planning to go to sleep tonight?

Pained 4/29/2018 - 1:20 am

Not sure dude.

definitelyworried 4/29/2018 - 3:04 am

I had to make another phone call. Things are not looking good.

definitelyworried 4/29/2018 - 3:15 am

Yeah it is scary thinking about it. I know it will be difficult to overcome the survival instinct and it will be difficult to actually go ahead with it.
I’m thinking of shutting my carotid arteries too with partial suspension, hoping not to choke myself too much. I wish I could die in my sleep with out knowing that I’m going to die that night.
I been hoping for my heart to stop suddenly in my sleep.

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