I am so tired of fighting… Fighting against the pain, fighting against these stupid thoughts and insecurities. I am tired of having to justify why I am not able to do things in allotted time due to my physical difficulties… If I don’t mean anything, why do I exist… Can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up again…
The one thing that most people associate with Bipolar is bad husbands with anger issues. It might sound stereo-typical but for the majority that is true. You have to be extremely carefull not to share your anger/disappointment as it can erupt in the drop of a hat and you wig out. I am a much more “peacefull” bipolar case than the usual but only due to the fact that I had grown up with the rage and it keeps me in check…most of the time…but I can rage with the best of them.
They say that Bipolar is inherited and it shows. My dad has serious […]
I’m in agony right now…every movement is pain and I know it’s going to be ten times worse tomorrow morning. Hopped up on myprodol, tramacet and coxflam and not even a slight improvement. If this keeps up, I’m gona accedentally suicide on the pain-killers…though I fear it might turn into full blown attempt if the pain gets any worse…and it’s going to. The fact that I am burning up from the widespread inflammation doesn’t help either. I’m hot, sticky, in agony, miserable, unable to move and confined to my room so I can turn on the fan…family is actually feeling cold…I’m feeling like I’m boiling.
I […]
I hate bad weather days… I am absolutely useless on days like today. My whole body is in pain and I can’t focus. I want so much to do things but I can’t…it’s like my hand-brake is on and I am smoking rubber trying to get anywhere. Sometimes I just want to curl up into a corner and cry my self to sleep. Yesterday, on a post challenging all of us to tell the truth of how we feel, I mentioned that I had a arthritis flair…well this is why… I can forecast bad weather days ahead of time.
I wonder sometimes how much my physical […]
Things become complicated when talking about the source of my depression…Â Apart from the Bipolar and the usual day to day naturaly occurring depression, there is almost certainly a third…
Appologies for the length of the post, I hope someone is bored enough to read the whole thing ;)Â I just wanted to post it in case I had to explain things again at some point…
I have a fairly rare connective tissue disorder called Marfan’s Syndrome. About one in every 5000 people are affected. The condition is extremely hard to diagnose and I was only diagnosed by the age of 28. As a baby, I refused […]
The first …
The idea of suicide … the spark of a thought that you don’t have to deal with this, that there is some other alternative…Â As mild and as “innocent” as psychiatry like to make it out, it’s just as dangerous as any, exactly for that reason…Â People don’t take it serously when someone just says “I feel like killing my self”…Â they feel that if you have the clarity of mind to share it, your not a suicide risk…your just feeling like you are caught between a rock and a hard place… so they put you on “retreat” for a couple of days […]
Please report if inappropriate…just thinking I need to open up about some things, maybe it’s time I let things out…
It’s strange how things occur…and how dangerous a unstable state of mind can be. A lot of times, it happens in a split second…no elaborate plans…no thoughts of consequence or pain inflicted on others…
Once…very accidentally, and something I have regretted (morbid as it might seem), driving on the highway…innocently minding my own business, a car heading in the opposite direction got side-swiped, jumped the median barrier and landed right in front of me…Â I still regret swerving out (purely out of instinct)…not only because it would […]
The deep and uncontrollable need for that pure dark silence…Â The blissfull absence of all senses…Â I want it, but I know I am not allowed…
On a good day, the suicidal thoughts used to roam my mind on and off through out the day. At night, while in bed, no matter what I did, my mind would wander to the topic. The medication has helped…a lot, but now, with the weather being so unpredictable with rain coming and going and the humidity, my body is contributing to the reasons “why not” and is pushing past the barrier so carefully constructed by the various pills I […]
I want to fall asleep and never wake up, I lie awake at night thinking of nailing my door shut and I don’t know why, I aspire to do great things but in the morning, all I can see is the futility of it all…
The blessing of the condition is that you can have the grandest dreams, the curse of it all, is that you will never see your dreams realised because they are too unrealistic…
I’m due to have my lithium levels checked. On the one hand, I hope it comes back as too low so my medication gets pushed up…on the other hand I […]