The first …
The idea of suicide … the spark of a thought that you don’t have to deal with this, that there is some other alternative…Â As mild and as “innocent” as psychiatry like to make it out, it’s just as dangerous as any, exactly for that reason…Â People don’t take it serously when someone just says “I feel like killing my self”…Â they feel that if you have the clarity of mind to share it, your not a suicide risk…your just feeling like you are caught between a rock and a hard place… so they put you on “retreat” for a couple of days and forget about you when you get out … and then they wonder why it escalated…
The second…
The meticulous plan … the urge has become stronger and has gotten to such a point that your mind is willing your brain to think of a way to escape. You are obsessed with it and it consumes every waking moment. It’s unlikely that Psychiatrist will know about this, because you won’t share it. Maybe because they ignored you the first time…maybe because now you are not merely reaching for help, you are actively looking for it somewhere else. Yet still, when there is a plan, the mind has a chance to try and build in a “fail safe” because the strongest instinct of human nature, is still survival… Chances of survival, depends on the ingenuity of your mind at creating a back-door…to pull the plug right at the precise moment…or to deceive you into thinking that the plan is fool-proof…or the timely intervention from a friend or a loved one…
The third…
The beast…the dark creature that no one should have to face. Suicide has taken on a life of it’s own… You are no longer in control of it and it is like a automated process. All it needs is for the mind to crack one last time under pressure. It’s not planned, it’s not under your control, it doesn’t think about your friends or your family… It’s a walk across a bridge that turns into a shortcut…not a sullen contemplation over how much life sucks while teetering on the edge. It doesn’t ask your permission and it doesn’t care if you want it or not. It’s a lasy afternoon cleaning your gun, it’s a drive from work through a busy intersection…it’s your afternoon pill schedule… This is the point of no return, it becomes your shadow, your ever present companion … like an alcaholic needing one drop to start them back down the path, the slightest crack and it is by your side…waiting to through you off the bridge.
So why does it fail… because nothing in this world is certain…Â connective tissue disorder that makes you a rag doll in a car crash, a misfiring gun, a driver with split second reaction time, the combination of medication negating each others affect, the over stated consequences of overdosing on the insert… even skyjumpers has survived ludicrous falls after their shoot failed…
Unlucky are those who have luck on their side at the wrong time, at the wrong place…for they are now stuck with a beast that you can never get back into it’s cage. It should have been stopped the very first time someone heard you utter the words or actions that spells out “Help” for woe betide those who seek it out…
13 comments
That is an excellent post to reflect upon. Thanks
This is also true for murder. As I say; suicide involves killing someone. Psychologically speaking, that either goes inward or outward.
Yes. This is exactly how it works. Well done.
Just maybe that beast is really a true beast, an evil entity that is in you, one that you can only “shake out” by true belief in God.
😉
I’m glad I was able to give some food for thought
lorax: like the old saying goes, “when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you” …
^
Somebody’s been watching Charmed again
… and taking drugs at the same time.
who u taking to?
Thanks for sharing, it is fun in a way to try to make connections with the “phases” and see which one you are in (if you are in any of them, or you can identify with any of them)
thanks for this post. really enjoyed it in a sad omg this is my life way. but it was thought provoking and nice to read your perspective.
So true.you have put it eloquently
My beast is out of its cage i saw my shrink today and i didnt menttion it last time i was offered a stay in hospital i dont ever want to make that mistake again.if my husband knew how i was thinking he would freak
molly woppit:
You can never tell how family will react to news like that… Everyone allways says “Reach out” and “Ask for help” but people around you are as much at a loss over how to help you than you your self…besides, it just puts even more stress on you because now your feeling guilty everytime you see theyre dazed confused expressions.
Psych wards…been in one my self. Odd thing is, once they realised I had BP, they didn’t shove me into one ever again. All they did was shove me full of activated charcoal and waited for me to stop dry-heaving then just sent me home, albeit four days later. Maybe they felt that the four days stay was enough to monitor me and check if I was still a threat…
Shrinks and psych’s react very differently … the one deals with trying to fix your past/present … the other deals with medicating you up to the nines. My shrink dropped me the moment she found out I had BP…no use in delving into past if the problem doesn’t lie in your memory but your active brain process.