All I find is dispair…

I want to fall asleep and never wake up, I lie awake at night thinking of nailing my door shut and I don’t know why, I aspire to do great things but in the morning, all I can see is the futility of it all…

The blessing of the condition is that you can have the grandest dreams, the curse of it all, is that you will never see your dreams realised because they are too unrealistic…

I’m due to have my lithium levels checked.  On the one hand, I hope it comes back as too low so my medication gets pushed up…on the other hand I am scared that it is too low and my medication gets pushed up.  What if they increase my dose and it works…what if I feel good again but then realise just how much I have missed out because of the paralysing nature of the condition…  I don’t know what is worse, the deep hole of Bipolar depression or the deep hole of natural dispair from realising what the condition has done to me and what it has robbed me of.

I want to mean something in this world…do something worth while but my mind breaks down half way and looses interest.  When my mind is sharp and I am on a role, my body gives in.  Is it not enough that my mental processes is flawed…why do I have to struggle with physical defects too.  If I had only one of the two, I could possibly have made it…  If I had only one of the two, I could still be doing the job I love instead of resetting users passwords and coaching users to use their addressbook because the exchange server has once again lost it’s synchronisation with the Outlook address book.  I could be doing a job where I don’t have to constantly harp on third party vendors to fix their servers and I wouldn’t have to sit with a half cooked network that the previous wanna be network administrator left in a shambles.

All I want to do is mean something…proove to my family that I am not such a failure…  My skill is unparralelled…and that’s not the Bipolar talking, that much I know.  What the BP did do is take away my focus, concentration and ability to stay on track and actually complete things making it impossible to do what I do best.  I could cope…if it wasn’t for my body that keeps giving in…  the constant pain when bad weather is coming, the lack of energy, the fatigue after one car drive…  I could cope…if it wasn’t for my wandering mind loosing interest or convincing me that what I am doing is useless and I am just wasting my time.  I can’t do as much as others can.  I can’t mean as much as others do.  I have to work twice as hard to get anywhere and allways end up burning my self out because of it.

I JUST want to mean SOMETHING…I JUST want to feel some WORTH…is that too much to ask…for without that, why bother…