Divine

I feel so much pain from this. Why is this woman and her people so mean to me? I don’t understand.

3:56 and on, “Ashley, you’re so effing ugly. Did I?” Where she says my work’s name and says go eff yourself. They change that one sometimes, too. Just, with more mean insults. I want to die sometimes. This makes me feel like giving up. She once told me to drink poison on the end of that song for expressing how I felt about it. Depressed, suicidal. It’s crazy to think someone advocating for mental health would do any of that. I feel better about this. […]

Today felt better than yesterday. I did some lawn work and laundry. Idk why I’m having highs and lows, but it feels like a rollercoaster. Wish I had more hours at work, too.

I know my stuff isn’t pure grade, but I think I want to try this and hope for the best. I wanted to do this on a Saturday. If I wait, then nobody will find me. Maybe I should wait and plan it out better. I’m not scared, I just feel messy. I want to feel in control. I’m a little nervous, but it’s worth it. I can’t wait for this to be over. I wish I had the energy to like, take myself out. Feels like a waste of time. I wish I could do it now. Like fresh air in your lungs. I […]

I want to do it now. So badly. I have the salt. This isn’t fair. I’m not doing another summer. I’m not even ready yet. I will wait. That’s the most important part, what I wear. Etc

Do you believe Canada is wrong for offering assisted suicide to those with mental health conditions? It makes me feel contempt for celebrities rooting this on. They live nice lives. Their treatment is of a higher quality. They deem others as inferior, they have to, they aren’t doctors, but they side with this. //Elon Musk

Take me back, beater time machine.

My eyes have sunken, and my spirit feels brittle and broken. I look physically ill from the mental anguish I feel. People notice, out there. It hurt growing used to that through the years. It wasn’t always like this. I used to feel whole. I had my family, my friends. Just bring it back, all the happiness. Let me feel as free as I used to.

I’ll never forget the makeup and drag […]

Mine was decent compared to other days. I should probably eat something. It’s been a couple of days. Drains me lol

Graphic* Trigger Warning*

I can’t wait for this to be over. For now, I’m still stuck in a loop. I can’t stop thinking about my childhood friends. I miss their smiles. Our gut laughs. It’s a desperate feeling, how much I want them back. They weren’t good friends. They all fled when I lost my mind and I needed them so much back then. I’ve thought about them everyday. It’s so hard for me to move on. I think trying’s just a game anymore. And I’ve learned that being perceived as mentally ill warrants head-games from other people. It’s a useless and painful existence.

The sight of […]

I wish I could take this beater car and travel back in time. I miss the old days. Life today is such a scam. Tomorrow will be, too.

I’ve been collecting little trinkets that remind me of the past. Zippo lighters, books I used to read, visiting old places. It fills the void, you know? It’s so lonely these days. I’m always in a dark room. I’m tired of watching the sun rise. Each day is painful because time moves and I’m older again. Every now and then we review where our life has taken us and I’m still in so much pain. It really isn’t […]