General How’s everyone’s Friday? by Divine 5/19/2023 written by Divine 5/19/2023 Mine was decent compared to other days. I should probably eat something. It’s been a couple of days. Drains me lol 15 comments 0 Email Related posts I’m going to lose everything if I don’t... 2/22/2024 Bits 2/22/2024 waiting 2/22/2024 life is seriously too cruel 2/22/2024 been writing fanfiction 2/22/2024 Maybe Next Year 2/21/2024 I hate motorscooters 2/21/2024 How Do I Get “Zest” For Life Back? 2/20/2024 Don’t lets start 2/20/2024 When Will “Things Get Better”? 2/20/2024 15 comments heartlessviking 5/19/2023 - 11:49 pm could be worse, could be better, worst thing was I finally pushed myself to make this frozen orange chicken, and it wasn’t enough food, and the quality was terrible, and my wife did as close as we ever to arguing about it. I guess the upshot is that I have freezer space back, for food that is less gross. other than that, I went to therapy, which is neither good nor bad it just is right now. I’m convinced I’m being taught something, but it’s unclear of what value that thing is. It’s this whole complicated relationship I have with Native American philosophy and religion. To be clear, I’m not native by blood at all. My ancestors were Europeans all the way back to 600 years ago, which is as far as records go. Anyway, seemingly regardless I’ve been sucked into native culture. My last reliable mentor was a Native man who was also a Buddhist, and at the time I didn’t think I was picking any of it up, now though….. it’s become a part of me, and the way I see the world is influenced by my experiences with him. Anyway my new therapist is also native, and though we have yet to discuss it, it’s a dominant theme. and that’s the most I’ve consciously admitted to what is going on in therapy, so that’s interesting I guess. I tried to take the day off, as much as possible anyway. It rained most of the day so I didn’t garden, or ride my bike, or go to the dog park. I’ve just been futzing around with philosophy videos, as well as other project ideas that I’m not even close to making room for in my life. It is nice to rest. It’ll also be nice tomorrow when I am able to get stuff done, whatever I get done anyway. Six days left until our local swimming pool opens, and I can’t wait. It’s already too hot (another reason I’m thankful for the rain) Log in to Reply pinkpill 5/21/2023 - 3:25 am Native American culture, hmm, sounds interesting. What intrigues you the most about it? I know my ancestors were Iroquois, Blackfoot and Cherokee. I heard the Blackfoot tribe was known for being mean. Not-so fun and spiritual. But the “my great great grandmother was a Blackfoot Indian” (chin high) is the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions native American culture. I’m a complete noob haha is that what you mean by native? Awesome about the therapy, hopefully you two mesh well. Log in to Reply Furby 5/20/2023 - 8:13 am i talked to my friends and i’m still preparing myself for graduation. but besides that, i slept almost all day… Log in to Reply pinkpill 5/21/2023 - 3:28 am How are you adjusting to the change? Are you dreading it or are you ready to get out of there? Log in to Reply thebends 5/20/2023 - 10:48 am great to hear everyone had a decent (tolerable) day. My friday started out pretty good, great actually, but fell apart hard by late afternoon. Evens out I guess. I’ll take what I can get. Log in to Reply pinkpill 5/21/2023 - 3:36 am Hey, mine too. My boss is a tiny jerk. This job’s only temporary, so there’s a perk. Finish off the bills, fulfill my needs, then I’m moving back to a lower pay and wearing my pink hat. Maybe school. We’ll see. How’d it fall apart? Log in to Reply thebends 5/21/2023 - 6:51 am that sounds like a great plan. Life is always better when you can wear a pink hat. I think you have the right attitude that we gotta slog thru temporary trials to get to something better. stepping stones. My day fell apart the way they usually do… I just run out of energy/optimism/coffee by mid afternoon and suddenly things turn dark and I often relapse into SH or other bad habits to end the day. Its gotten so predictable I’ve begun planning my routine around it, but hey whatever works right? Log in to Reply pinkpill 5/22/2023 - 3:08 am Do you mean to avoid SH? I tend to go the opposite way. The heavier the day feels, the more likely I’ll SH and just bathe in it. I used to strangle until I passed out. The feeling of losing control of my body felt good. In those moments, I was in control of the pain I felt. Log in to Reply thebends 5/22/2023 - 8:33 am “ Do you mean to avoid SH?” Great question, not so easy to answer.. I know the ‘bathe in it’ feeling you said. I’m in that feeling right now. Love it or hate it, SH produces an effect which is a lot more than I can say for therapy. It’s the aftermath thats not so fun. Also when I begin SH it takes over my mind until I lose consciousness so any other tasks & responsibilities are toast. In other words it saves me in the moment, but payback is high. But hell, the same can be said for going to rehab, inpatient or the hospital. SH is the cheapest. But back to your question, Yeah I wish I could avoid the whole pointless thing. I tried the strangulation thing you mentioned. Scary shit. I assume you rig up a contraption to do the job? With a ‘safety release’ so it doesnt take you all the way? Idk I suppose I’m a coward bc thats a little too scary for me. Kudos to you, thats hardcore dude pinkpill 5/22/2023 - 4:53 pm If only therapy could help. I know it wouldn’t. I’m damned. When I SH, I don’t really put too much thought into having a safety release. Really, I just wrap the cord around my hands and pull until my sight buckles completely. I’m tired of being scapegoated and treated like garbage. I switched from that to poison. I was interrupted by city workers. Or I would’ve won this. I’m trying not to get to that point again. I feel so powerless. I’m tired of being called ugly, or a fag, or a freak. I hate this town. They do it to put you in your place, around here. Idk why, but at the end of my shift one day, some guy said to this girl, “look at their face…look at it” like I was petrifying to look at. After that southern chick incited it. idk why I’m grouped together with a big liberal stereotype but I am. I’m gay. Not a freak. Idk I just think people are better off without me. And I know I’m not the words they say, it’s just painful. Pointless. I’m a loser. I don’t get, actually, I think this lady was a supervisor and she sounds southern or whatever. She’s so inciteful lol It’s just my luck. I think I’m just damned. I hate narcissistic people. I hate women that get off on bullying others. Just venting, though. Sigh. I can’t wait for my stuff to come in the mail. Guess I’m “growing up” about the dead ends of mental health. pinkpill 5/22/2023 - 5:46 pm I’m so excited. Kind of nervous, but still. I can’t wait to get rid of this pain. To the best of my ability, I think I’m going to try to actually go out to eat and see a movie. Enjoy myself before this. I’ll have to shop for new clothes, too. So difficult. I wonder what will be in the Celine Dion film. Hopefully it’s nice. thebends 5/22/2023 - 8:55 pm fuck bigots, fuck homophobes & judgmental simpletons. Isnt it funny how humans are the only species that bullies its own kind to actual suicide? i figure there are 2 options other than death: 1) use their hate to galvanize you and make you a badass, or 2) high tail it outta there, move to a more progressive town or ideally a city. Easier said than done on both accounts, but it’s something to shoot for. When I lived in the city I had an apt in the gay quarter (even though Im hetero) and it was fucking awesome. coolest crowd I’ve ever known. but circumstances forced me to move out to this armpit town where I have nothing in common with anyone. It made me realize how different life is just by the ppl around you, like night & day. The problem is when you’re surrounded by small minded turds it forces you into your shell so theres no chance of finding your peeps. Once 5/21/2023 - 1:32 am 7 people died in a car crash involving two semis on the freeway near my town on Friday. I wasn’t one of them, and this irks me. Friday sucked. Log in to Reply pinkpill 5/21/2023 - 3:41 am I feel like that often, too. I just want to trade places and give others my youth. I feel like it goes to waste when I always feel like this. Log in to Reply eternaldarkness 5/21/2023 - 7:44 am what’s a pink pill? (as opposed to the “red” pill and the “blue” pill)? Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All new comments Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.