I can’t afford a new one.
I know putting your life at the same value as that of an object is… well. but none of us would be here if we were completely sane. I won’t have life without the internet. I won’t.
Sometimes i find myself wondering if my emotions aren’t real. If maybe they don’t really exist at all.
Right now I’m acting angry and irritable… But I don’t feel it. I just… say. There’s nothing there. It’s confusing.
Used a razor blade for the first time, and let me tell you, it’s a far cry from my old blunt carving knife from my less than successful scout days.
I didn’t like it. I’ve been planning to kill myself with them, but… Cold feet again. I feel so disgusted. All these pathetic lines down my left arm, and for what? I can’t escape from here, I’m trapped. It was all just a pipe dream.
I just want to be safe. Safe and happy and oblivious. Dream pretty, achievable dreams. Forget I ever existed and become someone else. Someone who isn’t a complete idiot.
I mean all this […]
I really am cutting now, aren’t I… No reason for it, really, i just get it into my head and then the old blunt knife i made when i was in the scouts is in my hand and I’m… “practicing”. I’m making more headway now than i did summer to 7th grade. long scabbed over lines, and i don’t even have to wear long sleeves, because nobody sees. Which is good, because i only own 2 of those, and only 1 of them is particularly comfortable. And that one mom gave me a week ago or so. I could read a lot into that, but […]
Apparently 10 September is Suicide prevention day. My timeline on facebook is full of phone numbers to suicide help lines (from Harry Potter groups no less)…  Does anyone other than me find the concept of a suicide help line a bit… funny?
I mean, what if the reason you want to die in the first  place is because you’re terrified of phones?
I’m just saying “what if”.
Not that i like phones. Â Hate them, in fact.
The world is imperfect.
I haven’t been paying my student loan. I CAN’T pay my student loan. Dad found the letter from.. well, whatever that place is called in english.
Mom has me calling the student loan people, but i can’t. I can’t dial the fucking phone!
When she first confronted me, i just.. flipped. Started crying and what not, and she said some mean things, saying how none of her kids ever grown up, and she’s right. I’m 21 and i can’t make a fucking phone call.
In the end i wound up screaming to her about how I’ve been wanting to kill myself since i was 12, but […]
So I’m back here again… Last few months (half a year? Who keeps count…) I’ve been acting like a bad live in maid for my parents. Mom calls me “Dobby”. Considering the whole “house elf” thing, I’m not sure i appreciate it.
Got a letter from the student loan people. They want to get repaid. Not a big surprise. What do i do now… Stay in limbo, that’s what. I can’t be bothered. I hid the letter under my mattress. It’s funny how it all seems wrapped in cotton. My first reaction was i wanted to die. Then i spent some time cleaning the kitchen […]
So I’m here again, and for the stupidest reason I can imagine right now. Mom keeps asking me if I’m still going to school, or if I’ve dropped out. A difficult question, since I don’t know either. I know there’s no point in me going back there, I’m not studying as it is. All I’ve done in the past is to just turn up. Stopped going before Christmas though, but i lied and said i did anyway.
Anyway, I’ve been saying I want a job just to get out of the discussion. I really would like one, but i have no idea of how to go […]
Yesterday? It’s 2.49 am. I don’t want to be 21. It’s a bloody Black Jack number -_-
So that’s what i am now… Black Jack? I really don’t want to be 21. I hate it. It means I’m one step closer to the year ending. There’s nothing for me there. Not that i can own up to.
But i don’t want to die. I’m in limbo, and everything is so dizzy outside.
I overdosed on painkillers again. I told myself i wouldn’t because it wouldn’t do anything. But i did. I keep telling myself i don’t deserve to live. Why does that make me feel better?
Mom thinks my despicable brother is the only one with mental problems. If it wasn’t so stupid, it’d be hilarious. She made me make him dinner, and then she gave me a hard time because i wasn’t feeling sorry enough for him. Said there was nothing wrong with “me”, now was there? I wonder how she’d describe my death wish.
I don’t think there’s anything mentally wrong with my brother, besides the […]
Well, not going to school certainly made me feel better. It also makes me feel like a lump of fermenting dough. Guess you can’t be happy no matter what you do.
My favorite type of weather tonight. Windy with a hint of thunder. The sunlight in the apartment made me feel worse. Storms expect less of you.
Deceiving my parents has worked well so far, but… What do i do if they ask about my school results? And what about next semester? I’d construct another suicide plan, but since the last one went to bits, i can’t think of anything. It’s easier to think of more […]
So… I lost another chance today. I was supposed to turn up at my teachers office at 9 am today. But, i got up late because my phone has no batteries so i couldn’t set the alarm. Still, i could have made it in 37 min, if only i hadn’t been staring into space so much. My teacher wanted me to write one of the essays he’d given us to do the subject before this one… One of them was supposed to be written in school with his supervision, and my remedial on that one was supposed to be today. The other THREE he wants […]
What am i doing in school? One of my teachers took me aside today and asked about a whole bunch of essays i hadn’t turned in, and “was i going to finish them? And what of the oral presentation you have on week 50? If you don’t do it, or don’t turn up, it won’t be fair to the other students”. What can i say to that? I know i can’t do any of those things. But if i don’t, my teacher will be upset with me, I’ll fail even more, and my parents will eventually throw me out. I’d managed to shut it all […]
Should i wake up dead one day
Open my eyes and find my life had gone away
Should i witness this from afar
Or from where usually I sat looking out
My mouth firmly pressed into a discontented pout
Now from death left wide ajar
– If only
Feeling unreasonably anxious for no apparent reason. All i did today was watch Breaking dawn. I spent the day with my sister. Nothing to fuss over. So what the hell is this? I just want to be alone…. She is going to spend the next couple of weeks on the couch in my room, since she’s just visiting. Maybe I’m just too much of a lone wolf. But freaking out the third (? counts… fourth/fifth?) day? It’s not like this is my room either, really… It was supposed to be mom’s study. I’m interfering, and i shouldn’t be noticed, i shouldn’t be a bother. […]
It’s frustrating how often, when i’m trying to think, there is literally nothing in my head. I’ve never really been smart, and i get that. I just wish there was something there i could rely on. And it’s… Well, it’s not fair. When i was a kid, i read and i read, and everyone though that must mean something. I thought it meant something. But… I read the wrong things. I read fairy tales, i read fantasy, i read short imaginative stories about… Well, what? I can’t remember most of it now. I thought i had a choice: to be smart, or to be pretty. […]
I don’t have a spark
I don’t have a light to shine for
I’ve run out of things to rhyme with suicide
Maybe formaldehyde?
Now, i don’t know
What’s worth living for?
All these words in my head
Keep on telling me I’m a dead
beat nut case
I don’t have the will, i don’t have the strenght
To play this crazy charade anymore
Some day i’ll be dead, but will it be on my own head?
I simply don’t know anymore
I can’t let them know, and when i die it won’t show
Because if they know it will all be my fault
Although, I’m hurting people i don’t even know
And those that i know, i don’t know if […]
I don’t know what to say. There’s nothing here for me, and i’m in the way.
I’ve been happy for the last couple of days. I shouldn’t be. It’s creeping me out. Because i KNOW this is because of my pms. This… Is not how it’s supposed to work. It’s like my pms hormones have put a pillow around all my worries!
It’s disturbing, but it’s hell of a lot better than not being disturbingly happy. Suicidal thoughts reduced to a tenth of what it was ^_^ If only it wasn’t because i’m ignoring all my problems -_-“
I’ve been using her, i know. The only true friend i have who knows. I shouldn’t confide in her anymore. It hurts her. I feel like i’ve lost something… I should never have told her in the first place.
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