I need to clarify things. Everything is messed in my mind. I have gone through enough of illusions so I don’t want to fall for another one. My experience isn’t for nothing, it teaches me what NOT to do or which among my thoughts is another illusion. But.. this job has changed a lot of things. It was guilt, fear and worthlessness that were making me suffer all these years, and from that suffering were arising my desires for higher things. With this job that guilt is gone, and so is gone my craving for higher things. But there is no satisfaction! Where is my […]
This is not what i had expected. fuck it, fuck it. everything is ugly from the inside. I thought after getting a job many things will be fulfilled, i will take my revenge, become independent and move out and live on my own. But… nothing comes free. Everything comes with its own conditions and effects. eh, it changes you. Fuck, this is not what i had expected. nothing is fulfilled and everything is gone.
I hate my job. And it really has nothing to do with work pressure or office culture. I don’t know what I hate. But i’m hating it. I dread going to it. […]
However I know why I didn’t. I might throw up and blame myself for not going, and perhaps I’ll keep doing that for the rest of my life, but I know precisely why I didn’t run away last year. I was ready, fully ready, I know that. I am not a coward.
I used to have a lot of desires and instincts. But eventually, with the passage of time and suffering, many of them faded away. And only two were left. Only two prevailed. They were: Desire for truth & Hate for society.
Society is my proverbial enemy, my arch enemy. But I am not a psychopath […]
Don’t know why but today I feel like writing my story. So I will. Pardon the Grammar.
No human story is ever single dimensional. there are always multiple reasons that prompt your action and that action causes multiple effects. Whenever I have new mood or new type of person in front of me (that is, in my psyche), I see my life from a different angle. I personally like the curiosity angle and have most respect for spirituality angle. Social angle is the most ugly. I might at times mix them with one another, because ultimately they are one and the same.
(I like to recall things according […]
I have interview tomorrow. and it is making me sick. why can’t they just select me on my merit? i performed better than many in written exam. but no, interview is a must. afterall they need to judge my personality. I just can’t endure an unworthy, stupid person judging me. if he were some sort of a philosopher, i would be more than happy to answer his questions. but this tom, dick and harry asking me to introduce myself, tell him my strengths and weaknesses! to please him, impress him?!! who he thinks he is!! and there will be not 1 but 5 of them, including one female. […]
I don’t have the faith, nor self esteem. But the ability to try, the potential. I can, but i feel mentally weak and doubt myself. What is it that pulls me down every time? maybe its the opposite of what pushes me up every time; you know tao and all that. Perhaps the question is not how to move up but how to keep stable. It’s the attraction in degradation that pulls me down. I need to avoid/prevent that while remaining true with myself.
I need to be above things. i need to distinguish between what is utility and what is me. I have experienced such states when […]
Maybe I can’t do it. I know my soul. It gets satisfaction only in degradation. I just want to rot. I think that’s because I have seen the end, traveled the farthest . There is nothing left for me to know. And I know it’s all futile. And it doesn’t prompt me to suicide; it only prevents me from finding a positive, satisfying motivation in doing anything that’s beneficial for me. And that would be all good and satisfying, i would be very happy in rotting, if there wasn’t this constant pressure, this sense of obligation that i feel towards my family. I just can’t make […]
Stop desiring and you will stop suffering.
I need to stop thinking
I… What do i want? What exactly is it that would like to do or pursue? I had the full complete chance of running away, but i stayed. I stayed because i knew what i wanted to seek can be sought anywhere and my running away, in that regard, is a hypocritical move. But now that i’ve stayed, even my seeking seems to have stopped. I couldn’t imagine my life without seeking, and now I’m living it. Or am i? I think deep down i still do crave for seeking. How to get fulfillment? What is it that will fulfill me? There must be something, […]
Why are you not bad?
You are at an unmarked intersection … one way is the City of Lies and another way is the City of Truth. Citizens of the City of Lies always lie. Citizens of the City of Truth always tell the truth. A citizen of one of those cities (you don’t know which) is at the intersection. What question could you ask him to find the way to the City of Truth? (you can ask only one question)
A can complete a work in 12 days and B can complete the same work in 24 days. In how many days A and B together complete the work?
I can’t open my eyes. All innocence is gone. I am already dead.
I have not yet accepted my defeat. I shall complete myself, whatever it takes. in my this journey yet i have explored many forbidden zones. the deeper i go the more forbidden zones lose their holiness/untouchability. and a mere touch of me crumbles their whole fortress that they created in thousands or millions of years. And now i shall move one more step. Once social connectedness preserved the species and it was called the highest good. But what is species preservation to me? My suffering has paid all my debts and i owe nothing to nobody. Tell me, what makes another person more worthy to you than […]
I cannot choose anything in my life. Underground Man was right. No desire in me goes deeper than my desire for truth. i was wrong when i said i will choose freedom over truth if such a choice comes. i was recently given this choice. i stuck to truth. truth is unbiased. each decision in life is biased. you need a reason to do anything, and that reason has a beginning somewhere. no reason is “holy”. something has to begin somewhere. so how can i choose anything? on what basis i will make that choice? what is worthy enough to be given preference?
And what’s worse […]
The note is complete. not really the best but its fine. but even now, when i am this close, i am not sure. its still looking like a hazy dream. David455 once asked here – “Is suicide romantic?” i can now definitely understand this question. but he went through the whole process. even now, when i can do it any day, its looking like a romantic idea.
I am not sure. Have i tried enough? ofcourse i have. there is no try left. being in the middle is a shitty situation. all you can do is rot. i do not suffer enough to do it without […]
I must do it now. Now is the perfect time to do it. Now is probably the only chance i’ll ever get. my graduation completed last week. my sister’s marriage is also done. I am free right now. absolutely free. if i stick another month or so i’ll be expected to start finding a job. and i know i can’t do it at the time when i am expected to do some worldly thing. right now i am free. i must do it now. if i miss this opportunity i know i will regret that my whole life. my whole life will be ruined. i […]
I think many people will relate to one or the other character of this movie
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhalb0_waking-life_shortfilms