https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4ZjXt0Fl58
…when i saw pain of others, i forgot my own pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQbXsOA7F2Y
only one in a thousand is perhaps happy
some weep for somebody, some weep for somebody
in every house this lamentation is
my pain is so little in front of them
This is the face of it, this is what is called life
sometimes its irony makes me laugh, sometimes tears come out
confluence of pain and happiness it is
my pain is so little in front of them
embers in everybody’s heart, water in everybody’s eyes
ask whoever you want, everybody carries a painful story
in pain whole existence is
my pain is so little in front of them
how much pain there is in this this world
my […]
Today i mocked some begging and i am feeling quite confident. How i will approach them, how i will stand there without saying a word, how i won’t look towards the content but only towards the giver when they put something in my bowl. Its the blessing giving part i have trouble with. I have low pitch/hoarse/unclear voice. They won’t be able hear specific words if i bless them in lower tone. Saying blessings loud won’t suit the calm, quiet nature i presented earlier. Normal saying won’t do because he afterall did a favor to me, how i can return it without showing some difference […]
There should be no time. I should not continue.
I expected too much, didn’t i? i made my destination too high and then expected myself to reach there too quickly. i despised myself for every shortcoming i encountered. am i not like that youth in thus spoke zarathustra? i often skip steps, and for that no step forgive me. the more my hopes go higher, the more my passions go downward. what do i seek in the heights? i tried to give a word for my seeking, and since i had heard that ‘nirvana’ is the highest achievable thing , i gave it to my seeking. but the truth is that seeking in me […]
http://sunny-quietinside.blogspot.in/
This is the link to my blog. soon, if time allowed, i’ll be posting my story too. i want to lose everything i consider sacred in me or secretly feel proud of.
have you ever noticed that we suffer only when we know that “We” are suffering. you wanna own suffering, just like you wanna own anything else. oh this feeling of existing, of being alive is great, so tempting that one is ready to give his life for it. oh the lust of life! in me these two desires keep fighting simultaneously – to get into life (and thus suffer) and to get out of it. i have no reason to choose the former one, not a single reason, and yet somehow that lust is so much that i give in to it. i know a […]
all this may not be real. sometimes all this doesn’t feel real. i was always living a funny kind of life. like how can this be serious. i was always like, “Man! i am living life! the same life as all those great persons like Buddha, Hitler, Nietzsche lived. the same life as every other big and small person has lived in all the history.” and i used to be overwhelmed by this thought. i was like, “man! i can’t dare waste it”. but instead of pressure it always made me laugh at my life, it always brought me into jolly mood. like, “wow, that’s […]
It always seems just one step away. like i just need to reach my hand out and i will touch it, feel it, grab it. and yet it remains one step away. its so frustrating. i feel like ‘yeah, yeah, there it is. touch it. touch it.’ it remains in front of my eyes.
how much can a brain process? day in day out i only keep thinking and seeking solutions. how does normality feel, what is rest – i’ve forgotten all these things. though i don’t feel like that, but logically speaking, it will explode one day.
i’ve accumulated quite a collection of solutions by now. they can change anybody’s life if he follow them diligently. but then i ask – why don’t they change mine? i think there is a part of me that wants misery, that don’t want to get detached from them, that wants all that evil that they transfer in me.
how good moments before sleep feels. i feel like finally its ending, finally i’m going to be unconscious. i feel like tomorrow is gonna be totally different; i’m gonna be totally different. actually i feel glad that tomorrow is not gonna be ‘me’, it will be somebody else who will wake up and face all the struggles. me is ending today. its almost like suicide, only there is no fear or selfishness attached because of trust. and yet its me who wakes up again, with all the same sameness. do i anymore belong here? is this a new escape trick my mind is playing?
all that they want from me is to play my part in social gatherings. they don’t want to be embarrassed because of their son. how do they see me? just another dot in this social web. i have all kind of social strings attached to me. i’m a position holder: a son, a brother, the heir of this fucking heritage. and they don’t give me required powers either. they think of me as some lowly being. fuck i hate them so much. just let my sister’s marriage complete and i’m gonna show ’em who i am. just just let me get the opportunity.
why do […]
All kind of thoughts run through my mind. i can be anything. i can change to any side. just convince me and see where i go. i have always tried to find answers to ultimate questions – questions that are right and on whom my existence and my suffering depends. every time i watch a documentary or read a philosophical novel i get into one of these questions and seems to find myriad of solutions to it. but experience has taught me that they somehow never works. so now when i find a solution i also ask myself why the solution would not work and […]
we need a base. we seek for a base. we invent it; we call it self. the thing on which you can stand your desires, the thing which you think you own and can call yours, the thing using which you can rationalize your arguments (and others seem to acknowledge them, for they also need it). indeed you can suffer for this self, just for the sake of owning it. which came first – self or desire? ‘Thought, with an end in view, creates the thinker’ – J. Krishnamurti. anyways. once i had a self, non-reflecting type. it was the one given by society. then something happened. […]
“Nothing burns one up faster than the affects of ressentiment”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
whenever i  get into really deep thoughts i always end up laughing. laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing at the absurdity of my efforts, laughing at the absurdity of my suffering. i suffer because i am human, because i have to survive. had this survival thing not there i would laugh my way in and out of this world. all my reasoning regarding my suffering ends (i.e. starts) with this survival thing. my whole evolution is based on this thing. all my hate, all my animal instincts are based on this single thing. i think if we could somehow get over this one […]
I have a question to you guys. this analogy occurred to me two days ago and i’ve been contemplating about it ever since. the analogy is this:
what if a cell of our body become aware of its position and role and that how its work is used in maintenance of body. do you think the cell will go self-destructive after knowing this fact (because it will know that it is being controlled)? or will it keep doing its work for body?
i with all heart believe that it will go self-destructive. i have never been able to relate with anybody. i don’t know how i think […]
is satisfaction.
what was i, what have i become. i am only getting more and more corrupted. i wanted to, didn’t i? when i couldn’t find a way out of it, i decided to get more into it. taste of lie, taste of corruption!
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.†– Dostoevsky
i wanted to test it. and i was so confident […]
Nothing is forbidden anymore.
Nothing is worth doing anymore.