I expected too much, didn’t i? i made my destination too high and then expected myself to reach there too quickly. i despised myself for every shortcoming i encountered. am i not like that youth in thus spoke zarathustra? i often skip steps, and for that no step forgive me. the more my hopes go higher, the more my passions go downward. what do i seek in the heights? i tried to give a word for my seeking, and since i had heard that ‘nirvana’ is the highest achievable thing , i gave it to my seeking. but the truth is that seeking in me goes earlier than knowledge of nirvana. i seeked something… something higher, but didn’t know what. what did i seek? what do i still seek? good over bad? how did i distinguish good from bad? what was the source of my morality? wasn’t it instinctive? didn’t i just ‘knew’ that this is good and that is bad? wasn’t i making those decisions moment to moment, without thinking, just simply knowing that what’s happening is bad (or good), by heart probably? wasn’t it my practical weakness, fear of others, that gave birth to guilt in me. and didn’t i start running from it, cowardly escaping from it, into a myraid of things ranging from science to facebook? weren’t they all escapes?? tell me, how can you neglect all these things, how can you so white lie to yourself and others? it is such an open truth! and tell me, please tell me, wasn’t Osho your last escape? oh how you stuck to him like a bee on honey when you found something spiritual to trust into! you stuck to them because they were compatible with Buddha, your eternal truth; you found a spiritual escape, and such an escape that you couldn’t question it because it was spiritual, it was holy… you could now think that you are doing something great, seeking a very high and sacred thing. oh what an escape it was! perfect, foolproof. but it was an escape, bro, it was an escape. you were just running away from your weaknesses. you think it was a deep thing, but it was just this shallow. you wonder why you are shallow? because of this. you wonder why things aren’t working? because of this. you wonder why you lie? because of this. this. this. hah, how great labels you gave to yourself: “seeker of truth!”, “seeker of freedom!”. wow. hahaha. didn’t you reflect one time before boasting them? didn’t you always know that those who give themselves labels are the biggest liars and that they do so only out of ego and a pride that couldn’t sustain itself in front of world and thus revert back and enclose itself into a label that does nothing other than sustain ego? oh ofcourse you knew that, even if you couldn’t translate it into words or thoughts. Â honest men are labelless. the point simply is that you couldn’t sustain your innocence in this world. and since you couldn’t digest this impurity, you escaped. you were a pure soul. even the slightest impurities were too much for you. then how could you endure this one? such a blow, such a self doubt. you were always on the right path, weren’t you? its only when you lost it that you started searching for it. haha, life works in ironic ways. the way of innocence is the right way. and you know what i mean, don’t you? Â become a child again. what have you known in your search? nothing. absolutely nothing. you are right there where you were 4 years ago. you know the difference between true knowledge and false knowledge, don’t you? oh who can know more clearly than you. can one get back the lost innocence? no, but he can choose not to be not-innocent. isn’t that equivalent to being innocent? choice with that much trust is equivalent to truth. is it? or am i just being romantic?
Forgive me
nirvana may be true but its not for you. you are a seeker, not a knower. labels aren’t for you… not even label of what you are seeking. don’t go beyond your limit. don’t miss steps, don’t take shortcuts. “choosing wrong over right, you overlook the heart”. become the heart.
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Yeah, it can be tricky like that. Sometimes the pursuit of losing ego can really end up in some egotistical places. Anyone who believes they are special is doing it to soothe their ego. Anyone who believes they have something like “enlightenment” that other people lack is probably saying that from a place of ego. Even believing in things like “awakening”, still egotistical. These are all things rooted in establishing difference and separation. “This is me, and then there’s everyone else on the other side of the line. Not awake. Not enlightened”. You’re right, labels are for the ego. People love when they can start shouting from the mountain tops which believe system they’ve found that they agree with, or which guru they have decided to follow. It’s all ego.
Ironically even some of the practices of serious buddhism are very egotistical. Those who choose to actually dress in special robes, spend their time at special temples, obsess about Buddha to the extent that they treat him like a god, all of that is so opposed to what truly losing yourself should be about. They wear the robes because it makes them feel special, different. They go to temples rather than realizing that all of nature is a special place to be.
The ego is such a clever opponent. It reminds me of what used to happen in old cartoons, one character would run into a room trying to run away from somebody, and they’d turn around and in a blur, lock the door, bar it shut, nail pieces of wood across the door frame, place steel chains across it. Finally they would rest, catch their breath, sigh in relief, only to turn around and discover the other character standing in the room with them. That’s how it feels trying to get away from ego. Sometimes we think we are locking it outside and nailing the door shut. Only to realize that ego was in there with us all along and driving us to do those things.
Sometimes I think the idea the ego can be totally removed is impossible. People who will tell you that they have lost their ego are, ironically, being egotistical, by claiming that they have done something that most people can’t. And what do they gain from making these claims and statements out loud, aside from making themselves feel special, thus still feeling the ego.
Maybe it can never be defeated. The closest we can get is to try to live thoughtfully and with attentiveness. Pay attention to your actions so you can notice when you might be doing something because of ego, and try to stop it.
Or who knows, maybe this is all for nothing. Maybe we should just be trying to feed our ego until the day we die. Maybe morality means nothing. Maybe hedonism is the answer, living for pleasure and nothing else. I don’t know anymore. I have tried really hard to be on the path that I thought was true and right, but I only found more suffering and fewer friends.