Hypocritical nonsense

All kind of thoughts run through my mind. i can be anything. i can change to any side. just convince me and see where i go. i have always tried to find answers to ultimate questions – questions that are right and on whom my existence and my suffering depends. every time i watch a documentary or read a philosophical novel i get into one of these questions and seems to find myriad of solutions to it. but experience has taught me that they somehow never works. so now when i find a solution i also ask myself why the solution would not work and i get another myriad of theories and solutions. endless flow of thoughts, or should i say “directionless wisdom”? sometimes i think the real answers can be found only in present moment and what is actually happening moment to moment, so i create a solution that i’ll be studying and concentrating only in present moment. then comes the what-if. what if present moment does not carry truth? i’ll be wasting my time all the time and won’t ever reach to desired end. you know, like in a matrix if we concentrate on only our feelings and thoughts we won’t reach to truth we will only be lost in endless levels of fabric of matrix. i am a seeker of truth but i do not know the way to truth. i do not trust the ways told by others, whoever they might be. i think i will always choose truth over end of suffering if such a choice comes. but is truth, in my view, an end to suffering itself and that’s why i would choose it? i am not sure. forget it, forget the thing about my priority between them. i do seem to have this feeling that truth lies in the moment. but it won’t be worth the struggle if this isn’t true, isn’t it? often i tend to subscribe to spiritual and metaphysical thoughts. what if life is but Tao. just today i viewed Nietzsche’s idea of man’s overcoming of nihilism and emerging out as free, strong, creating agency also as tao at work. in the depths of meaninglessness one finds meaning. meaninglessness carries the seed of meaning. most of us are lying somewhere inbetween. i haven’t found my meaning because i haven’t yet gone very deep into meaninglessness and despair. so the natural solution arises that i should go into depths of my meaninglessness. but then comes the thought that in doing so won’t i be merely following ways and laws set by life? i can never get along with the idea of slavery/fate/following a pattern. it disgusts me to my very soul. maybe that’s why i have otherworldly thoughts, because i cannot follow life even if its my own life and even if its the only thing i can ever do and even if it will give me desired end. i want nirvana simply because they never tell me what’s beyond it. i will follow a way to nirvana, if such a way exists, because its end result is freedom. thus i will analyse and live in the present moment if somebody could just assure me that it will lead to nirvana. but then i have heard all kind of things about it. different people tell different ways. some says all ways lead to it. and here comes the twist: now that i know the way(s), i choose to just sit at home than follow it. and this makes me feel that maybe i never wanted nirvana and that it was just a romantic thought, an escape, a way to justify my suffering and inaction. then comes the question: then what do i want? if its not nirvana, if its not freedom that i want, then what fucking do i want? and i fucking don’t seem to have an answer to it. and if i don’t want anything then why the fuck do i suffer? i hardly ever reach to this question. maybe i suffer because i am selfish. because i have contradictions i can’t seem to figure out. maybe i suffer because i am irrational and don’t want to. the last one seemed to hit home, but it again leads to a thousand and one thoughts and gets me nowhere. i eventually get tired and forget about all my these thoughts and theories in one go… and that’s how all my mental effort end everytime. nothing leads nowhere. there are so many lies in my life that i can’t even count. but every time i take up one of them it leads to all these kind of thoughts and ends again in the same way, in futility. so i decide rather to stick with lie for the time being. the source of my suffering is lies but i cannot turn them into truths. maybe because answer cannot be found in thoughts. maybe it can be found only in experience, in understanding, in waking up. thoughts are for understand one level of being. they analyse the surface of level on which being or mind is on right now. and that’s all there is to it. it cannot go there where being is not yet. but it can drive the being, isn’t it? it can push or pull the being upwards or downwards. thought is the leg on which being walks. but then there are two kind of thoughts. one is for study, one is for inquiry. study one analyses the surface, inquiry one moves the being. but then inquiry one also needs a purpose to drive. it cannot drive for driving’s sake (can it?), it cannot drive for study’s sake. i cannot just keep pushing myself up just in the hope that maybe one day it will reach there where suffering will end. i need some trust, some assurance, some result.
but i am again being hypocritical. i am just a small man with small present moment. and i do all kind of things with this little moment. maybe i don’t even want to get rid of suffering. maybe i have become addicted to it. maybe all i want to do is follow. maybe all i want is death. i want to follow, thus i want to create an end, a meaning, a worthy result of following. maybe will to follow precedes will to meaning (and not the other way round). in following there is death. i finally put an end to chaotic freedom and get lost into a predefined way. maybe all we want to do is get rid of responsibility of life. i have heard that later Freud started going into this “will to death” but died before analyzing it further.
whatever. isn’t it the Nietzsche’s solution to nihilism? “Since i grew weary of search, i taught myself to find instead.” when you can’t follow – create. since you can’t find the meaning to life, create one. cool. but that’s not truth. that’s merely shifting the tide. is that what he found in the depths of despair? turning the “will to death” into “will to life”. ofcourse there couldn’t be anything else, there couldn’t be any truth other than this. is there really no nirvana, is there really nothing in nothingness? i don’t seem to believe it. but who can stay in nothingness. one can reach there but staying there is probably impossible. but that’s just my speculation. maybe these philosophers really stayed there and waited but found nothing; no transcendental experience, no awakening. so they were bound to create a new way from there. all my concepts of truth rests at this place, this place of nothingness. if nothing happens even on reaching there then, well then my concepts are of no use. then maybe nirvana is really just a quantum fluctuation, a probabilistic event which may or may not happen even on reaching at the deepest place possible. would i like to strive for such a thing? but nothing else is even possible! if i give up now that means i remain in the middle. not reaching to the end of following means not creating either. fuck i have put myself in a far worse situation than striving towards wrong end, that is – not striving at all.
but chill. when have i changed myself according to my thought results?  i am still the same person as i was before beginning this post. for once i feel good over my irrationality. the question remains as it was: why do i suffer?