Why do I always have to believe that things when get better even though they won’t? Why do I keep trying to stick around when I know this is it for me? Why am I afflicted with this hopeless optimism? Hope is a curse.
It’s an oxymoron; I know. Because by definition a suicide note is representative of something horrible, and the word perfect means lacking in flaws or defects: so you really cannot have a perfect suicide, can you? I don’t know if it’s possible or not. But I want to come as close as I can. My name is Rachel. I am seventeen years old. Some might say I have my whole life ahead of me, but one day really soon, I am going to commit suicide. What follows is a draft of my suicide note. Read it. Comment. Help me make it perfect.
If you are reading this, […]
Deadline. It’s a funny word, is it not? Almost two days have passed since March 18th, 2013: my deadline. The day when I told myself that something had to change, something great had to take place, or I’d end it all. It’s strange to me now: all that time, I had told myself I would do this, and then when the day finally came… I hoped out. Not chickened out, not choked out, hoped out. My mind is afflicted and warped to always believe that things could get better, even when the events out my life have proven that to be painfully false more often […]
How do I write a suicide note? What do I even say? How do I describe and make others see this pain that just wouldn’t go away? How can I put them in my place–how do I make them see that only in committing this selfish act I could truly have peace? How do I make them understand that this is the way it had to be? What can I say to make them know the problem with my life is that it was lived by me?
I feel like tonight is the night. I counted down for three weeks… hoping, waiting, wishing, dreaming, believing that […]
I grew up in the church. Hell, I should say I was the church. At many of the churches I attended, my five older siblings, my parents, the pastor, and I made up the whole congregation. But that didn’t matter. Because the God I knew and loved was there. He was in my church, he was in my thoughts, he was in my life… but somewhere along the lines, one of us left. Now, it’d be easy to point fingers and say that I left. After all, I’m the human being shaped in iniquity, and He’s the all-knowing God. But me? Why would I leave? […]
Waking up–that’s the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself tired all of the time. It’s not so much that I am physically tired as it is that I am mentally tired, and my brain transmits the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and restlessness to the rest of my body. My dreams are a blur… images of things that I can’t get to make sense, my meaningless days played back and forth for my mind to review. Scenes for my brain to recount so it can ask itself, “What went wrong?” and “How the hell did we end up here?” Sleep is supposed to […]
I used to be one of those people who could summon infinite happiness from even the smallest things. Seriously, I’d walk down the street, and I’d find a nickel, and suddenly that was the best day of my life. What happened to that person? What happened to me? I know what happened. I just don’t know why it did. Why did it happen to me? That’s a question we all ask ourselves right: why me? I realize now that there’s just never an answer to why me always seems to be the butt of God’s cruelest jokes. So lately I’ve found myself asking a different question: what if? […]
Control. That seems to be the only thing I’ve ever wanted, the one thing I’ve never gotten. To feel like I actually have a say-so in what happens next or where I go… to feel like I can contribute something to my life because after all, it is MY life. I have a dad who always made the rules. Even though they were always stupid and illogical and only benefited him, he ALWAYS got the final say so. And it went from being just small things to bigger things. Where I go to college (a college I pay for COMPLETELY on my own, by the […]