Rainwatch

Show him a drunk man says the old proverb, I would be inclined to agree. The aforementioned expression has nothing to do with alcoholism and has everything to do with seeing or hearing your negative conduct displayed by someone else. Only then can one learn.

A perfect example being what I heard outside my office this morning. I was on youtube watching a documentary about suicide, there was chatter outside my office from what I guessed was a group of medical students early 20’s. I was trying to concentrate on the documentary in spite of the chatter. The main part of the group moved on and […]

When I was in school at the age of 14 I caused the following bizarre chain of events to materialize. I could never say why, suicidal thoughts had grabbed me at 14 so that might be the best explanation for my behaviour.

This was circa late 90’s so before the days of instant language translations, effective internet etc. One day without rhyme or reason I decided to write ‘ the green hand gang’ a nonsensical term I had concocted on the spot in various languages except English on school property. I consulted 2 schoolyard chums, fluent in French and Irish respectively about the proper translations. In […]

I went in to pay two traffic tolls. This Blonde was there, not bad looking at all, about 26,I dealt with her before. ” Blondie, how are you? Good Christmas?” I said. ” I’m lonely, I was in bed, I don’t really know anyone” she said. Her honesty was very attractive and naturally the word ‘bed’ had caught my attention. Honesty is a very attractive quality, especially in relations between men and women,  both parties tend to have acute in built bullshit detectors, you try and bullshit the other party and you fail, if you’re completely honest in an uncensored manner you succeed. The best […]

I was shaving. The landline rang downstairs. I heard her voice, almost gullibly saying ” pin  number”. This sounded like one of those fucking banking scam phonecalls to me. I leapt down the stairs like an olympic athlete, three steps at a time. ” Gimme that phone ” I said before she could be do any damage. I had guessed correctly, there was some indian piece of shit on the other end .  ” Hello sir, I ringing from bank of Ireland,O’Connell street, Dublin, republic of Ireland” said this piece of shit. ” Thank you my friend, and there’s a problem with the account and […]

I hailed a Taxi. I fucking hate taxis and taxi- drivers in general, the conversation is usually unbearable. My own car was getting serviced so in a case of needs must I had to get a taxi.

I got in the back, the driver called me by name, then I recognized who the driver was, an old friend from primary school, we were on the soccer team together, then years passed and our paths crossed again when we were 18 and he did me what I always considered a tremendous favour. Over 20 years had passed again. My first impression was he didn’t look good, the […]

Hear your situation/ story and come to the same conclusion, a conclusion at variance with your own conclusion then you’re in trouble.The whole world can’t be wrong and you’re right, never in human history has that happened. Certain problems in my own life that I had to get objective opinions about I always noticed that what I heard back was pretty much identical, it might have been couched in different language depending upon the level of education of whomever I was talking to but the central conclusion was the same. This flipped the problem right back on to me and the fact my thinking had […]

It always tends to gravitate towards bad luck as opposed to good. Good luck you might have one chance in a hundred of experiencing, whereas bad luck has got to be 99% likely to occur. Toxic positivity would declare ‘ you make your own luck’ but in the real world it doesn’t work like that. Outrageously bad luck will happen, like the time Mr.O’Grady walked in to the mapping office.

Many years ago I was working in this fucking racket, any form of employment could be described as a racket and this was no exception. A Mr.O’Grady, a name which has stuck with me as the […]

‘Send me a picture, get my mind off my problems’ I txted. A picture came back immediately, she just happened to be in bed, her face on the pillow, I scrutinized her face carefully, the face is the most important factor for me in terms of attraction. I deemed her face pretty and the fact it was on a pillow swung the pendulum my way bigtime. The marijuana I was smoking said to me ‘ compliment her, that’s the type of face you go for, compliment that face’ which is the absolute worst thing you can do in this scenario, absolutely fucking lethal, sexual suicide. […]

It was only when I saw the coffin with the framed picture of the deceased astride the coffin that the reality of the situation hit me. Four words ‘this is for real’ ran through my brain. I had no emotional investment in the funeral, it was a neighbour, I had attended as a mark of respect for the deceased, so I felt sad for the deceased and the mourning family but unless it was someone I loved I wasn’t going to be overcome with emotion. When I had heard of the passing I felt bad for the family, I recalled the deceased from my childhood, […]

Is a night of hell. I can’t understand how if pandemics are starting to wane and as a consequence pubs have reopened then everything is all right with the world. Most cultures/ nationalities don’t celebrate alcohol/drunkeness in the first place. Most countries don’t have a drinking culture. When I was in South America there was no drinking culture, there was sensational steak bife di chorizio, marijuana smuggled in from the jungles of Paraguay, but one thing there was not was any celebration of alcohol.

A night out, a long nights drinking on the town is a young mans game, 18 to 25, at 25 the time […]

I really think whatsapp has to take the the large part of the responsibility here. Theres something about whatsapp that causes a certain rearrrangement and reshuffling of the brain when it comes to txt messages from a potential romantic interest.

Everything was fine up until last week, txting back and forth, a certain simpatico had been established, She was doing most of the txting and it was pretty cool and then last Saturday I txted and straightaway I felt this vibe, somethings wrong here, shes not txting back. If this had been on another messaging format I doubt I would of cared but theres something about […]

I was fishing yesterday,many things on my mind, suicide at the forefront as per usual, my fishing companion was making conversation which did not interest me, thats no reflection on him if anything its a reflection of my mental state, the conversation was drifting in one ear and out the other and then he mentioned his brother in law was in the fire brigade and had been called to a park earlier in the week to retrieve a body, a suicide.

Now Im all ears and want to know more. One has to thread very carefully when discussing suicide with a ” normie”  so its a […]

No matter how many times I replay the situation over in my head I come to the same conclusion, I fucked up, I should of completed suicide not attempted suicide, its just not worth it. All I had to do was put the pillow or a bag over my head whilst intoxicated, instead my conscience got the better of me not fear and I alerted my family. I would of avoided years of hell, Suicide has been called the ultimate act of avoidance and this is very true. I can say with hand on heart it would of been better for everyone if I had […]

Imagine walking into a Doctors surgery on a Saturday afternoon a week before Christmas during a pandemic, drug seeking being the reason, this is bad, your first visit to this surgery and your gonna mention drugs, this is real bad, the worst thing you can say to a Doctor is anything concerning sleeping pills, maybe opioids but i dont really know anything about painkillers.

This was the reality of the situation I found myself in and there was no way out, this was gonna be awkward. I gave myself a 30 percent chance of this working out, i walked into the surgery 5 mins before my […]

The weed had been ” vacuum packed”. I took an instant dislike to the term. I said to the supplier what the hell was his supplier thinking vacuum packing the weed. The supplier said he had rebuked his supplier for vacuum packing the weed and had now put the fact that the weed had been vacuum packed behind him and suggested I should too. Being extremely fussy about weed I speculated aloud that the high from the weed might have been impinged upon because it had been vacuum packed, he said no, the weed was just compressed but the high would be fine. I wasnt […]

I find it absolutely amazing how a simple plant can banish all suicidal thoughts for me. It’s a Saturday, the clock is about to strike 1pm, I’ve been up since 9, every errand I had to do today has been completed and now it’s time for me to roll a joint. Suicide is in my mind but as soon as the THC hits me suicidal thoughts will be kept at arms length, my problems will remain but the pleasure of the high will wipe suicide from my mind. Unfortunately due to various responsibilities/obligations I can’t smoke during the other days of the week but I’ll […]

But is usually the tragic result of untreated psychiatric disorders” so says an independent government report by top experts. I couldn’t agree more, I’ve always had a nervous sensation in my gut telling me my suicide was not in my control, that I would do it someday. The only part of the statement I take exception to is the ” untreated” part concerning psychiatric disorders. These disorders are NOT treatable. Antidepressants, antipsychotic etc turn you into a vegetable, therapy doesn’t work, so suicide is inevitable.

That line was in a movie concerning how a man behaves when a woman hands herself to him on a plate, you don’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like you as a member. I first heard that line in my teens and found it a bit far fetched, surely I wouldn’t be a guy who behaves like that but no, I have a 9 chasing me, texting round the clock, comparing me favourably to the pieces of shit available for women online,,asking me out when she previously said women don’t ask men out and I’m no happier, every guy thinks […]

When it comes to suicide you have to really want it in order to succeed. I look back on my own biography and the suicide attempts I undertook and I have to ask myself the question “did I really want it? Was my heart really in it? Any man who chooses sleeping pills has really answered NO to those two questions. How mentally ill was I to choose sleeping pills? I’ve paid dearly for that choice and will continue to. I could of avoided ten years of hell but no I had to be stupid enough to go with pills, the least effective method known […]

I didn’t ask for life, just like everybody else it was imposed upon me. I can’t get suicide out of my head, it’s omnipresent within my train of thought, that’s the way a guy like me thinks, that’s my mentality, I tried everything to no avail, at the end of the day you cannot escape from yourself. I always knew deep down there was no hope but I procrastinated, the fruits of procrastination are intense punishment, life punishes procrastinators relentlessly. Why didn’t I take my life years ago? What the fuck was I thinking to continue with my life, I continued so my family wouldn’t […]